Ok - have I've reached the tipping point?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Moora, Mar 23, 2011.

  1. Moora

    Moora Member

    First of all, I don't want to commit suicide.
    Second, I feel like there's no other option left.

    Let me tell you about it. I've thought about suicide for a long time. I've never took any action directly but I've had self-destructive behaviors like smoking too much or getting drunk.

    It didn't actually helped me.

    I have bi-polar tendencies and I tend to be always depressed. That's funny, as I make a lot of money as a marketer but I don't enjoy them anymore. I live in a luxury flat ... and it brings me no joy.

    Tonight, my past girlfriend told me a few things ... that she shouldn't. In other words, she told me everything in her power to hurt me. And she was smiling too. Well, I guess that's human nature.

    But now I feel dispair. I was on the brink for some time. I contemplated cutting myself, just to see how it bleeds (never tried it) for hours and now ... I want to do something.

    I've thought about moving out of the country ... or running ... or doing something, but I feel like this is a never-ending nightmare.

    Since last year in March - May, I couldn't say I was happy. I always fought for something (money, love, whatever) got it, lost it, back in depression.

    I've took some 5-HTC but it didn't helped me much.

    So ... I don't know what to do. I'd rather end it now instead of more happening.

    I don't care a lot about what other will think (and of course, the sadness this will bring to them) as they didn't seem to care too much. Actually, from tens of friends, I have no one to talk with about it.

    And ... a sin to God ... God would want me to be happy, not to go through this nightmare again and again.

    I don't know ... I know that there are poor people, living in worst conditions that are happy and consider life a blessing. But no matter how stoic I'm trying to be ... or how logical I'm trying to approach it, my only instinct is to end it now, to <Mod : Inmemoryofyou:methods>

    I've tried to make things better, I gave my best, I put everything on the line and it didn't. It only got worse. So why, why even bother? I know that right now I might look like someone who needs attention, but this is a genuine question - why?

    At least, I want to try something - to inflict some self-harm maybe this will give me an adrenaline boost and my brain will say "stupid - what are you doing ... stop that ... let's change this". Maybe I need to harm myself in order to recover? What do you think about that?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think your ex is a very cruel person and you need to show yourself compassion okay Do not give your ex any power okay by harming yourself
    Sounds like your meds need to be changed if you are depressed most time Call your doctor okay see if a med change will help you. You can move forward find a new friend okay Your thoughts are so deep in depression this is not time to act on those thoughts With help from your doctor you can feel better Please keep posting here okay I know it hurts i do but noone is worth ending your life over not when you can try new meds and start to feel better . You need to show you compassion i hope you do hugs:hugtackles:
  3. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hey Moora
    I am sorry things seem so helpless right now, so unbearable. Total eclipse is right, altering your medication might be the best thing to do. The ones you are currently on clearly aren't beneficial to you and this needs to be changed, so that you have a chance to feel a bit better.
    Your ex girlfriend was so wrong to tell you what she did, and purposefully upset you.. but don't let her be the cause of you committing suicide. You deserve so much more. I know you mentioned you have no one to talk to about this, maybe it would help to see a therapist? Just someone you can offload to on a regular basis, talk through how you are feeling. I also think being on the right meds will help things look a bit less bleak and therefore make you feel able to talk about things and feel a bit more positive.
    Please don't make such a permanent decision as suicide when you are swamped in this depression and therefore not thinking clearly. Just give it a try. And keep posting here to let us know how you are doing and get some support.
    Take care
  4. Moora

    Moora Member


    I don't take any medication. Everything I took, was bought from the pharma, without a prescription.

    I don't think that drugging myself and hiding the symptoms will actually work. I think that solving the problem, the cause, is the only solution.

    Right now, I don't actually know if my emotional / mental health is shattered or my problems overwhelmed me. I hope it's the second. But in such situations, from where do you get the power to fight? I don't care about being good. I want the situation to be good. I've been a fighter all my life ... and now, I'm just a former shadow of what I was.

    I hate myself so much because I'm ashamed of me. There was a time when nothing, nothing in the world could have stopped me. I wanted something so I got it, even if that meant doing super-human efforts for it.

    In just a few short months, I've got the girls of my dreams, a kid (her kid thought, not mine), moved to a new city, made a lot of money, read every book I needed, made her happy, tried so many new things.

    But since I've broke up with her last year in June, my life have been sliding down. I honestly can't say I've been happy or fulfilled more than 2 - 3 hours in a row since that happened.

    Now, what I am? A depressed, bi-polar person which can't form new intimate relationships since last year (I've tried several times, but ... it's not the same) and who can't even stand looking himself in the mirror anymore.

    Some time ago, I thought that if I've became such a disgrace, at least I should end it all in a honorable way.

    It's not like I don't want to fight for it ... like I don't want for things to be good ... it's just that nothing I've did actually gave me that. It's like everyone around me is happy and for me, life is always an up-hill battle.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2011
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Meds don't hide the symptoms the meds give you the control to face your problems head on okay You want to fight while the meds give you the energy to fight and win the meds give you clarity to see what is true and not true
    Talk to a professional okay give yourself that fighting change hugs
  6. Moora

    Moora Member

    Giving myself a fighting chance ... leverage, interesting.

    Thank you.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have taken meds and they have kept me here fighting not to say you have to stay on them forever but just to get you through the tuff times i hope you think abt it okay hugs
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    this is so true, without my meds, my brain tells me Im a piece of crap that nobody wants and that everyone would be better off without me, without all my BS.

    with my meds, life is still the same but without that person beating on my back, Im able to see what in life I need to work on to make things better, and helps me think more clearly to find ways to make those things better.

    Without them I would be foggy, hearing the same thing over and over again, my depression.
  9. draculim

    draculim Member

    I think some meds right now would be a smart choice and when things get a little bit better, I suggest going away for awhile. It seems like you can afford it :)

    Hope to hear good news from you.
  10. Moora

    Moora Member

    Ok, but what if I focus all my negative energy in sports?

    Start boxing ... or running ... or something.

    Serotonine can be improved in several ways, not only with medicine, am I right?

    As an entrepreneur, it's hard just to leave ... unless I take my trusty 13.3 inch MacBook with me.

    I don't feel like giving up just yet. Yes, my life sucks. I'm unable to form any new relationships. My health is bad. I'm making 10% of what I was making 1 year ago.

    But I'm still alive. And nothing is impossible to fix. So what, I've broke up. It's not like she'll post that in the Times and I'll never have another girlfriend again.

    I've lost some pounds because I haven't eat. It's not like I don't have food to eat.

    And I've lost some friends. But I can always make new ones.

    Why should I let someone else, an exterior factor, decide if I should be happy or not?

    I'm overwhelmed by emotions. I can see the exit, I know what I have to do to get there and I at least hope, that something good is on the other side.

    On the other hand, I just want to scream out loud.

    A few days ago, I was listening to the same song again and again, a gun on my table (I've got a permit) and I was smoking cigar after cigar.

    I knew that I wasn't going to do anything bad to me ... but I liked the feeling. I felt in control. Like all the shit that is happening around me is one thing, but this is my choice. My reason. I'm scared of that feeling.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2011
  11. Moora

    Moora Member

    Ok, I don't know how, but I've got a serotonin boost.

    Great sleep, great dreams, I wake up smiling.

    So I've realized, that in order to recover, I need to keep my serotonin high.

    Like a general who can't win without reinforcements, I'll use for a while serotonin boosters and see where this will take me.
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Most def sports, physical activity can make you feel better, keep that going.

    Im lazy though, no lie, I like outdoor things but when the cold weather hits, it puts me in a zone like Im in the fog, then the depression starts eating at me.

    Im in no way a pusher of pills, if you feel like you can do it without them then go for it, I wish you all the luck.

    Im glad that you woke up this morning with a smile on your face and fight in your words. I hope that continues for you, and yes life throws sh*t at us sometimes but we can overcome, and be stronger for the next round.

    Hope tomorrow is better than today and today is better than yesterday.