OK, Here We Go Again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by NeverM1nd, Sep 29, 2016.

  1. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    Honestly, this is pretty much a exercise in futility. I have joined several online groups in the past to no avail and I am also in counseling. I do not like medicine (though I do smoke pot) so I'm not only any meds for my issues. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression and am possibly bipolar. My issues stem from childhood. I was treated as a monster early in life bc my front teeth grew in odd and misshapen. So, from the age of 9-16 I was literally treated like the butt of every joke by even my closest friends and family.

    Speaking if which, I never had many friends. I would only have one here and there. We'd be close, so I thought, but they all turned on me and typically told my business and did other things to twist the knife despite the fact that all I do is try to help people progress in life.

    My life has been marked by pain. I mentioned the teeth thing...well, I also had a little issue where none of my teeth came out on their own so from 4+ I had to get every tooth surgically removed by a dentist. My teeth were messed up bc I fell off a slide onto my face at the age of 3. I have also had a lot of cavities over the years due to a poor diet and eating habits as well as being prone to getting cavities anyway. (due to being left to fend for myself most of the time as my mother worked and I was always sick and at home alone). I have now had up to 10 teeth removed and have another 1 scheduled for next week. I had to get cosmetic dental surgery at the age of 16 and only got half of what I needed (bc my mother assumed they were trying to scam her out of money) so it will take $10,000 to fix my teeth or I'll be sleeping with them in a jar for the rest of my life. I'm 30. Needless to say, I learned early that looks are everything and nobody truly loves me for who I am.

    Also, my father was absent despite being married to my mother the whole time. Died from alcoholism a few years ago and never made amends. Actually, the last thing I remember him saying to me is "Who is that girl holding my grandson"...I am the youngest of my siblings and he literally had no relationship with me to the point that he didn't even recognize me while I was holding my own child.

    Um, I got dumped while pregnant my senior year...got made to look like a whore, and the dad has never done anything and still pretends to not know if it's his son or not (he's 15). I also had a baby by a man who ran off and married another woman WHILE we were together and didn't tell me. Once the truth came out, his wife harassed me for years and told me he didn't give a damn about us. It was true. He stopped doing anything and now I have TWO kids to raise alone. I also developed kidney stones due to stress during that time (3 operations and counting) and just found out I may have a bad gallbladder as well.

    I have fallen short of the things I want to accomplish with my life which makes me want to die. I feel like my whole life has been one big joke or precautionary tale. I feel like a victim and I'm mad as HELL! Nothing helps and the few ppl who do listen just say I'm whining. Maybe I am...but I'm really just endlessly tired of the hand I've been dealt by life and despite the fact that I am TRYING to change my thinking and chase my goals, I keep getting stopped by fear, anger, aggression, bitterness, and more. I am so tired of living like this.............
     
  2. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    I left out the frequent UTI's, yeah, been getting those sense I was a small child. They used to disrupt my life so much I'd frequently miss days from school. When I was 3, we celebrated that I finally weighed 30 pounds bc every time I got close to that mark I would get sick and lose a bunch of weight.. Sadly, I could STILL go on, but I'll end it here for now...
     
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. Have you considered meds?
     
  4. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    Hi. No, I hate them. The thought of needing a pill to regulate my own thoughts for the rest of my life sounds like prison. Also, I have a hypersensitive system. Things tend to have every negative affect on my body possible. (i.e. my migraine meds make me too dizzy to take them for migraines...)
     
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I know you are down but please keep posting as we help you in your feelings. You are a strong person in my book as you have gone through so much in your life. We can support you but please use the other forums for support.
     
  6. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    Thank you. I'm honestly not very optimistic...but I recently heard you can't heal what you can't confront and I am starting to believe that. A lot of this has been haunting me for 20+ years.
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You welcome. I hope we can ease your twenty years of hurt. You are among people who understand your pain. Try to stay strong, my friend.
     
    NeverM1nd likes this.
  8. NeverM1nd

    NeverM1nd Active Member

    That alone is comforting for now. I spend my time around pretty callous people who seem to think experiencing pain of any kin dis weakness.