Ok. I want to break up with my current (first real) relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ghostangelcake7, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Long posting...I have been wanting to vent somewhere I can trust for awhile on this..I would love input..I am in a bad place mentally and this relationship is acting like a depressant..

    I really believe I need to break up with my current relationship, which only seems to be just a rebound to help me cope with my past and help me overshadow it, to be with someone else when I only knew the monster as posing as a 'bf'...I wanted an actual normal bf so I got into this relationship.

    Main reasons are he doesn’t seem to care and there are NO pictures of us as evidence we are a couple, and we’ve been together/dating for over 2 years! I have never met his family nor him mine, and have avoided meeting them due to my PTSD and he never cares to meet mine. I think this relationship is a complete flop and has run its course…It hurts but I feel like I need him to become my first and TRUE ex-boyfriend help me displace the past trauma..I don't know..I'm not happy, not healthy mentally with this person either alot of the time.

    This has been pressing me and KILLING me for months because I will not only lose a physical support (although its not in all the ways I need, but rather feeling objectified a lot of the time as if he’s a type of sexual narc) but also I don’t know where to live. I am terrified of traveling alone, but I have already lived alone before I met him, so I know I am fully capable, it is more money issues right now...

    The nature of this relationship is repetitive and predictable:
    I sit in front of my laptop while he games and also looks at his phone constantly. He has a son with another woman who he told me has bipolar (And that's why he left her), and he was in previous relationships with a woman who was openly racist, and one committed herself to a mental hospital (but told me she was "An amazing woman"? I don’t get it? I feel like I’m with a recycled boyfriend who is just passively engaging in a relationship with no real belief in it or values it…He never has come clear about how many relationships/people he’s actually been with either.

    He’s very vague and secretive, which I LOATHE. I hate liars. At least he’s not abusive but he’s definitely not appreciating me or respecting where I’ve come from, nor the fact he’s promised me so much and it’s all empty lies.

    My problem the most is that I avoid confrontation, and can never find the ‘right time’ to open up about it, because they get all passive-aggressive and give me the silent treatment. I keep spending the days feeling down on it, because I feel like I'm just dragging it on because I have no choice. We are NOT married. He was married for 3 months I just found out the other night, she allegedly used him and cheated on him..I know he'll never ask me to marry him..I know it..But that's ok. I don't want it.

    I have been unhappy for months and months, but keep thinking it will get better, they will change and become more 'comforting' to me. He truly acts more like a fk buddy than a boyfriend only really giving me attention for that act.…not like I even care about sex, I don’t. I just want to ‘other’ stuff..the care, the mutuality, the cuddling, the compliments and making sure I’m feeling okay..making some effort to make me feel good. Sex isn’t adequate enough in my view. I could care less about it. He already has a son with another woman and I don’t want children (though he is 'fixed'). I live also with his son when he comes over from his mothers, when he has him. It is mentally tough to have to put on a happy face for a child. I hate it. I don’t want to be around impressionable children, even though I keep to myself and am polite to him, I don’t feel good to be around kids in my mind, just want to be left alone. I am not good with kids.
    I am angry at him for being one of those guys who gets a woman pregnant and finds a reason to break up with her like bipolar...Now I am in a strange place as not being a parent to his son..but being his dad's s.o..or whatever I am..I am not comfortable with this. He is turning his son against his mother so his son will want to live with him full time, and we will never have any privacy except some nights. I hate being selfish about it, but I hate that too. Only reason it's worked out so far is because they share joint custody with his son..I hate saying it, but I don't want to live with him PLUS his son full time..it frightens me but I want them both to have each other. I will leave.

    Oh, I understand his son the priority of his life (even above himself as he is one of those dedicated fathers, I can admire that), but he completely sidelines me and just looks at his phone and vapes. Same for days he doesn't have his son, games, vapes, stares at phone. No real substance to this relationship. It's soo dead and been dead. It is only another dead weight on me. I don't know why I can't stand up for myself. I am my own person. This doesn't have to be my life. He even lied about his age when we met, and probably other stuff he lies about. I hate liars.
  2. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    He is 39 (meaning he was 37 when we met..but told me he was 35...) and his son is only 6...and the relationship seemed to go well for us in terms of bonding in the beginning but now all they want to do is stay inside and play xbox. I am stuck on my laptop all the time, because I am stuck with this flopped up lifestyle. But my own fault for falling for another ploy...another gimmick to waste my life time..again...to make me feel more inferior about myself.
  3. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    hello ghostangelcake,

    welcome. it seems like you know exactly what you want but are in a familiar place right now so are scared of breaking it off and changing it up. I say change it up. at least it will be a change from the boredom and misery you are feeling within the relationship. I understand the money issues, is there someone else you can stay with until you can get more on your feet? It isn't healthy to stay in a relationship that has run it's course.

    But beyond that it sounds like right now you want to work on and focus on yourself which is a very good thing for you. In order to do that, you need to cut ties and do that in my humble opinion. Being lied to is a big issue for me and unless you are one hundred percent committed and in love, I see no reason to beat a dead horse so to speak and to suffer from the distrust and dishonesty.

    You know what you want right now and what you don't want. That's a very good start. Pursue that. You deserve to be happy, not stuck in something that seems to zap your happiness. Work on getting comfort from yourself and your surroundings, then find a guy that can offer that as well is what I say.

    That's my two cents. Take care & stay safe.

  4. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Brittany for your input. I do apologize for my posting might be interpreted in parts a bit scrambed (fyi, he was married for 3 months back in his twenties and never told me this in the beginning that he was ever married..yet always jokes about us getting married, and teasing me about it, yet will forever put it off). Honestly I feel he settled for me because of his age..he's not longer that buoyant, sociable, clubbing twenty-early 30-something and I also feel he just needed me to move in with him due to money issues..I help pay the rent and his overall agenda was to ask whoever he 'clicks' with to move in to help pay his rent...I don't know..that is another one of theories behind it.

    I do feel more single at heart. And would rather not worry about meeting their families and having to explain why it took so long for them to meet me, and why we aren't seen together or any pictures..
  5. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    okay so you think that he doesn't really love you? the pressing question is do you love him and want to be with him? I gathered from your post you don't but we all say things in the heat of anger, etc.

    if you do love him, I think you need to bring these issues up with him and let what he says determine your future with him. From there you two can work out the family problems etc, but you cannot move forward if you don't speak up about it.

    you deserve to be cared about and feel significant... to your significant other.
    moxman likes this.
  6. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if what I'm feeling is love, but I am used to him and it bothers me the idea of moving out and living alone and not having any physical support/help I would get from him on things, like car fixes, answers to questions, helping me reach a decision if I am not sure of something and need a second opinion and things of that nature. I know that I don't hate him..but I am not so sure I am 'in love' with him or just emotionally dependent on him. I will talk to him about this in the coming days or by the time he does not have his son around (I do not like to speak of sensitive subjects like this when he has his son). Right now, he has his son and I don't dare bring up anything that could arise any arguments or tension. I would rather wait it out until we are completely alone and I gather my thoughts more if it's that important or if I'm being oversensitive and this is just how guys are. I just am always bored here. He doesn't have time for me...the amount I would like and the attention I would like, it is few and far in between.
    I won't drag this on for another year though, and he mentioned he still wanted to 'feel this out' for another year earlier in time. So I will bring it up and ask him about how he thinks we're doing as a couple, and if he wants to take more time to 'feel me out' because my time is not something to use to his advantage.
  7. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Ghostie, my friend

    It is rather simple in your situation. You are not happy. That is all that matters. Do you honestly see things turn around and getting better? I don't, I hate to tell you this, but I see things getting worse over time. He does stuff that you hate. He ignores you to play f'g video games of all things. He doesn't seem to care about your wants and desires. He seems like a very cold and distant person.

    I want nothing more to see you happy. But this guy isn't the one. I really feel like you need someone that loves you and adores you. That listens to you and communicates with you in positive ways. That is warm and open with you. You deserve to be romanced. You deserve to be made to feel special.

    Take Care of Yourself and tell your fish I said Hi!!!!!
  8. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    Hi again Mox,

    I have actually just ended the relationship last night.
  9. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I ever tell you , how awesome I think you are? You have to be one of the strongest people I have ever met. Who knows maybe someday you will get really crazy and tell me your first name!!!!!!!!

    lol, all i want for you hun is to be happy. that is all i care about.

    Take Care
  10. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Tell your fish I said Hi!!!!!!

    (couldn't forget that important part =)
  11. ghostangelcake7

    ghostangelcake7 Well-Known Member

    I will tell El-Moe you said 'Hi'
    moxman likes this.