Ok, I'll bite...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by zmonkey, Nov 24, 2011.

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  1. zmonkey

    zmonkey Member

    On the topic, of course, not literally. ;)

    So, yes, I did survive one suicide attempt. Fortunately, I didn't have any access to anything "decent" when it came to my attempt, so I just realized that it wasn't going to work and gave up on it, of course becoming even more depressed at my failure in the process.

    By that time, people had started to notice I never left my apartment during "normal" hours. I was behind quite a bit on my rent, also (somewhere in the ballpark of a week or two), so when I finally was getting pretty desperate, I gave it a try. After my failure, my attempt to have closure with those close to me tipped off my mother, who insisted I move home. I did so, but sadly, this environment is not all that healthy or nourishing for me, and I can't be the person my mother thought I was when I moved out and started to become fully my own person. It's been many years now, since I moved home, and since then, it's been a series of starts and stops for me... I don't THINK I did myself any permanent damage, but I do feel like my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be. I still do okay, but it's a struggle now, whereas before the thoughts flowed smoothly and easily. I would have to say I'm lucky in that I still care, at least on a rationality sort of level, about people, life, and those who have meant a lot to me over the years. I say rationally because I don't know of another way to describe how I can know what I should feel without always fully feeling it. I'm not permanently numb or anything, and I have good days and bad days, but since that day, I think I've known, deep down inside, that something "broke" inside me. I gave up on myself, on life, and on those who care about me that day. I can never take that back...

    I come here sometimes and try to connect to the stories I see, to remind myself that I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this. I know, though, that I need to find myself again, and that I need help doing it... I really feel like it's time for me to be psychologically evaluated and see if I can figure out why I tried to kill myself the first time, and why I continue to still think about doing so. If I could gain some sense of where I'm at in my life, and what it would take for me to find some purpose in it, I think I could banish these terrible thoughts and feelings forever...

    That's my story on my first (and only true) suicide attempt. Thanks for reading...

    -z
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Glad you were not successful and that you shared your story with us...hope you do follow up with that evaluation..my rule of thumb is if you feel you need services, then you do..please let us know how that goes
     
  3. zmonkey

    zmonkey Member

    I most certainly will share ANYTHING I believe could provide hope to even one other person here. I think that's why a great many of us are here, to either provide, or receive, a little hope for a brighter future.
     
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