So I now have an rc where I live, he fills me with no hope whatsoever in fact I feel worse after seeing him. He changed my antidepressant from Prozac to sertraline which seemed to help stop all the impulsive thoughts that were coming on so strong 24/7 and I really thought things were improving. I have had my children all last week and I took my daughter back as she lives with her dad on sat, my two other boys stayed at home while I did the trek on the bus and I dropped her off, that morning and the night before I could feel the dark thoughts coming back really really strong, I wrote it all down and it won't go away I see a date but I'm battling I really am so why does a date haunt me I feel it will be the best for the kids as it's my birthday so it will be only one day that's hard! Screwed thinking I know. But I've got to the place where I feel like I just can't be bothered with life anymore. I feel apart from the very world. Saturday I sat on the bus watching the trees, fields, the cars filled with people go by but felt nothing but an empty hole, no emotion, no connection to what I was seeing. Death bekons, thought of not being here, when , how to make sure the children are looked after shutting off existence, flying high with the clouds, people mean nothing anymore, life is transient and existence a choice. I'm seeing gaping gashes in my skin, feeling the blood pouring out, letting me know that I am still alive, yet there is nothing it's my minds pictures playing tricks on me, the thoughts of stabbing myself to just get rid of the dark sludge that I feel deep within my very soul, would that help? I don't know but this is so f&@king painful, I am struggling to see tomorrow and having people asking what your doing for Christmas, organising a get together for my birthday, I am screaming inside wanting to shut everything out! I'm fed up being the fighter the one who gets up dusts herself down and carries on with life again, it's a battle I am having I really really want to be here for my children I want to hold on but my mind feels like it's injecting all these dark thoughts deep inside, it's hard to try and ignore it, why tell me dates have plans etc etc. I DONT WANT TO HURT MY CHILDREN ! And I know me going I will do this, they are great kids and I love them with all my heart. I'm sorry if this is too much to write and if you need to edit it do it and I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel I am in such intense pain I'm flawed and I'm hurting thanx for listening, and I am still trying to fight this but I'm finding it so so hard.