Ok me again and it's so flipping dark TW

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jell, Nov 4, 2013.

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  1. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    So I now have an rc where I live, he fills me with no hope whatsoever in fact I feel worse after seeing him. He changed my antidepressant from Prozac to sertraline which seemed to help stop all the impulsive thoughts that were coming on so strong 24/7 and I really thought things were improving. I have had my children all last week and I took my daughter back as she lives with her dad on sat, my two other boys stayed at home while I did the trek on the bus and I dropped her off, that morning and the night before I could feel the dark thoughts coming back really really strong, I wrote it all down and it won't go away I see a date but I'm battling I really am so why does a date haunt me I feel it will be the best for the kids as it's my birthday so it will be only one day that's hard! Screwed thinking I know. But I've got to the place where I feel like I just can't be bothered with life anymore. I feel apart from the very world. Saturday I sat on the bus watching the trees, fields, the cars filled with people go by but felt nothing but an empty hole, no emotion, no connection to what I was seeing. Death bekons, thought of not being here, when , how to make sure the children are looked after shutting off existence, flying high with the clouds, people mean nothing anymore, life is transient and existence a choice. I'm seeing gaping gashes in my skin, feeling the blood pouring out, letting me know that I am still alive, yet there is nothing it's my minds pictures playing tricks on me, the thoughts of stabbing myself to just get rid of the dark sludge that I feel deep within my very soul, would that help? I don't know but this is so f&@king painful, I am struggling to see tomorrow and having people asking what your doing for Christmas, organising a get together for my birthday, I am screaming inside wanting to shut everything out!
    I'm fed up being the fighter the one who gets up dusts herself down and carries on with life again, it's a battle I am having I really really want to be here for my children I want to hold on but my mind feels like it's injecting all these dark thoughts deep inside, it's hard to try and ignore it, why tell me dates have plans etc etc. I DONT WANT TO HURT MY CHILDREN ! And I know me going I will do this, they are great kids and I love them with all my heart. I'm sorry if this is too much to write and if you need to edit it do it and I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel I am in such intense pain I'm flawed and I'm hurting thanx for listening, and I am still trying to fight this but I'm finding it so so hard.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you are in such a difficult place right now. Sometimes when everything seems so dark and bad you really need to rake a step away from the big picture and look to the little things. Did you enjoy the week all your children were with you before taking daughter home? Aside from everything , what smaller things might make an improvement to try to get things more bearable in the short term? Hold on and tell us a little more about your situation and thoughts on it if you like. There may not be easy answer but there will likely be people facing or that have faced similar circumstances before....maybe they have a suggestion to make it a tiny bit better?

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thank you , I did enjoy my children it was very busy my second eldest goes back tomorrow and I have my 13 year old who lives with me my eldest is here at the mo too but he's back at uni on weds. I went to a training course today in how to enable homeless people to achieve steps to help help themselves. Ironic really when my head is where it is. I can see such potential in others that is my strength it's just so hard to apply it to my own life. I am planning activities, hoping that if I do the positive behaviour my mental health will improve and catch up. I hate this place and I hate it when i feel my brain is taking me over, don't know if that makes any sense!
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Jell. I too am glad you wrote this out here. Although of course I am far from glad that you are in so much intense pain and despair. Sometimes I wonder how much of our thoughts are really our own. And how much are what are intrusive thoughts that are low level enough that it is not even seen as that. I know you have a good heart. That's for sure. I know you are a good person. I know. I hope that somehow there can be something that happens to relieve the pain enough so you can keep going. The right medications, the right therapist. Whatever it is. Again, I am sorry this is all happening to you. Please know I care.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I hope you keep trying to do the positive activities and take advantage of even the brief times when you find some enjoyment - such as with all your children visiting.... Perhaps there are ways to make those times happen a little more frequently or some of your energy and thoughts spent on planning for the next one of those occasions. It is not about being able to do lavish things , it is about being with them and busy is usually better for me than bored... when not busy there is entirely too much time for the thoughts to turn grim so if you have avenues that keep you positively engaged embrace them. When all else fails stop by here :)
     
  6. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys I have to say it's comforting to be able to air my thoughts without judgement, I love to enable people to change and make positive changes to their lives, I wouldn't wish how I feel on my worst enemy. I love my children with all of my heart I welcome those who need support I just struggle to accept it for myself, if I didn't have my children I know I wouldn't be here I still remember the day when I fell pregnant with my first child when I had to choose my child or take my life, I chose my boy and he is now 19 unjudgemental and enjoying life to the full I have tried to teach my children to follow there dreams and to regret nothing as I am proud of who they are and I don't care how high there achievements are they just need to try there best, live life to the full and find what makes them feel good. My children are 19, 15,13 and 11 and each one of them give me a warm feeling to see who they are becoming. The trouble is or maybe the good thing is that they are the people that keep me going they are the ones I would hate to hurt and I am not delusional enough to say it wouldn't hurt the if I was to take my own life but it does put me in such turmoil as the pain is so so hard to deal with I have had 3 people, two with the same diagnosis as me who have committed suicide the last one in August this year. I feel unsafe with myself yet I strive to be alive to be there for my children. I don't want them to question why I committed suicide and think it may be something to do with them I don't know if this makes sense but it is so so hard I don't see suicide as a easy way out it's not something that I see as easy as I would hate to hurt those close to me, even in the days where I feel that my chaotic thinking could damage my children and it feels the best option, for my 19 year old to say I have always been his constant, I am his mother yet his best freind fills me with tears as I was sectioned for 5 years and had to leave the home when he was only 9 but still he regards me as the constant person in his life, even when my mental health was at my worst I was still mum to him never a patient struggling with life. It's nice to know but also hard to hear as I feel I have failed him as a mother and wanted to be there 24/7 but he accepts me and keeps saying how proud he is of me to come through the tough times and still battle on. I am screaming its so so so hard
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    There are some people who post here who i explain that their family would not be better off without them. Even though they think this is so. I know this is something you have seriously thought about. I have nothing I could say to you that you have not already seriously thought about, where this is concerned.

    one thing I do want to say though is that your heart is so good that it becomes a matter of quality of love rather than quantity of time with your son when you were sectioned. The love and unconditional acceptance you have for your kids is a huge gift. Believe me. My mother was there for me physically. But her heart was not strong. It still is not. Physically it is. and she comes on very strong. But her loving heart connection is not strong at all.

    I am going to say something I do not usually say here. I believe it to be true. But I do not often say it here. I have been taught, and I believe that the heart connection is the real truth of who we are. The mind is just part of the body. the heart is the true self. I believe that your heart is very light and strong. I understand it is hurting. But still I feel it is light and strong. For me, my heart hurts because it longs to be able to be in the world in peace. Without all the pain of this mind of mine. These phycal genetics etc. So it is very sad and hurt. But it is sad and hurt because it longs for the love. I believe you are a very lovely loving kind caring person. What a huge gift it is that a mom gives to her kids the gift of her true heart. Okay, I have said enough. I hope I did not sound to preachy. If so, I am totally sorry. When I see a someone suffering so, and they have a really beautiful heart, I say something. And believe me, that does not happen often. I hope it was okay. :hug:
     
  8. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thank you flowers, my philosophy is my children didn't ask to be born I chose them from the very start regardless if they were planned or not, I still was the one that allowed them to come into the world I chose for them to live the life they do. They choose what they do in life and it is not for me to dictate to them my thoughts, my job is to encourage, nurture them and give them the facts that I know, I do not hide what I have been through however it is age dependent, I encourage for them to ask the questions and I try to be as honest as I can possibly be. Again dependent on age. They are free to ask me tell me anything, I try to get them to realise that my problems are not related to them but where my head is, my flawed thinking and each one of them I am proud of who they are developing in to. I may have different relationships with each child but I love them all the same. And all I want them to do is follow there heard, regret nothing as everything we go through makes us the person we are today, regardless of whether our experiences are bad or good, to me experience is experience if we never go through hardship we don't appreciate the good times and if we never make mistakes we never learn how we can do things different, all we need to do is learn from our mistakes accept ourselves for who we are as nobody is perfect and find our potential in life and how we fit into the bigger picture of the community, everybody has a role some of us just don't appreciate it, or notice it ourselves it's a lot easier to see the positives in others rather than look within ourselves, obviously you are on this forum for a reason just like all of us, your words speak of encouragement, and kindness but do you see that in yourself, I'm sorry if this is long winded and preachy but we all have potential regardless of past history, circumstances it's just hard to see it in ourselves, self reflection is a hard tool to use as many of us lack a true interpretation of ourselves but if somebody asked us what our flaws were we could reel them off within seconds
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    No Jell, I do not have compassion and kindness for myself. You do not sound longwinded or preachy. I agree with all that you have said about so many of us lacking the tool to assess oneself correctly. I clearly do not have the ability to correctly do that for myself. Perhaps that's why I know a bit of what it feels like for others who do not have the ability to assess themselves with kindness and compassion. How unfortunate it is for those of us who are so lacking in this ability.
    :grouphug1: :hug1: :hug2:
     
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