ok, plans derailed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beachdawg, Dec 20, 2010.

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  1. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Well, it's Monday morning. It's almost 8, when I'm supposed to be at work. I'll be there by 9. They can kiss my a** if they have a problem with 9. I've worked so much unpaid OT for them it turns my stomach just thinking about it.

    My plans to gather the materials for my exit failed this weekend. The required stores were either closed or inaccessible to me.

    So, now I'm back at the start of another week. To ponder. To have a little bit more of my life slowly sucked out of me from money hungry Corporate America.

    I am so weary from the enormity of my preparations and thoughts from this weekend. That weariness has probably left me too drained to carry out any immediate plans. Plus, it has also more or less pulled my brain out of it's groove and moved it over to ruminate on other things.

    Perhaps I'm suffering the pain of never having become the person I was meant to be. Deep down, something's missing. I have a feeling of unfinished business always. But, who was I meant to be? What type of life was I meant to build? Looking back, at key junctures of my life, when I had to make a choce, I made no choice. And that, in itself, is a choice. Not a very good one, but a choice nonetheless.

    Does this make sense to anyone? Can anyone relate?

    Ok, I'm off to work today. Wish me luck; I wish all of you a good day... a day with less sadness and maybe even a few rays of sunshine and happiness.
  2. luka

    luka Active Member

    i can definitly relate to you man, when i was a kid i ahd dreams and ive achiveed them through hard work and dedicationa nd so can you

    think of a goal something that make syou push yourself tot he limit and something that makes you happy, because happiness is the key to life

    dont do a jbo that makes you feel like crap, its not worth it

    be someone great, someone you can be proud of

    ever since i was a little kid i always wanted to be in the army, now im a 44 year old special forces commander, my dreams came true and so can yours

    dont let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do, your mind is limitless, if you can dream it, it can happpen!

    dont try to lpan thigns, let it happen :) be free! for one minute look up to the sky and think about your life, have a unrealistic dream, why unrealistic instead of realistic? because you dot want something easily attainable, have something out of your reach, then you can be able to push yourself to be the best

    it was unrealistic for someone to go into a room, flip a switch and lights would come on, fortunately thomas edison did that

    it was unrealistic for someone to put metal parts together and fly over the ocean, fortunately the wrigth brothers did that

    live everyday like your last and with no regrets, because its when you lose everything your free to do anything :)

    go out to the world and say"f*ck you, bring it on" :)

    please reply with some updates

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I can also relate to this...I had such plans and am successful in doing something else, but it was never what I fully wanted...hope work went well and that you too had a little respite today...J
  4. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Hey Luka,

    Thanks so much for your response. I can honestly say I really enjoyed it, and I haven't enjoyed a whole lot these last few days.

    As a point of reference, I am also 44 years old. I agree with everything you've said. Maybe my whole problem is I've never had goals or dreams of my own; always someone else's. College studies and degree were something my parents approved of... not so much me. I guess I was a shy, accomodating child who never really considered his own goals or dreams. The fact is, it was just easier to be told what to do.

    And that could be where I've been derailed. Your advise is spot on, timeless and applicable to a teenager as well as a 44 year old depressed guy trying to re-invent himself.

    I'm not better. My brain is broke. I still fight off the depression and anxiety. But, at least for the time being, I have "pulled away from the ledge". Now, it's time to figure out my next steps and how to best care for myself, as well as perhaps reach out to others fighting the same problems. I know I'll need help again; that's a given considering my history.

    BTW, a Special Forces Commander? I've known quite a few military folks over the years and you Special forces dudes are bad-ass! I'm glad you're on my side :) And, thank you for all you do for us and the sacrifices you make.
  5. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    Thank you for responding. Work was better today. Didn't stay late, have absolutely no intention of working at home tonight. I'm giving my brain a break.

    I guess for me I never really had plans that were "my own". It was always what someone else wanted. I mean the people in my life were well-meaning; they just weren't equipped to understand "figure out your own passions" Well, I guess maybe in some way, I have some strong passions, but I just can't figure out what they are. It's tough at any age, but even tougher when you're in your 40's like me and finally sitting down and figuring these things out.

    Geez, it gives me a headache sometimes.
  6. Waterfall55

    Waterfall55 Well-Known Member

    I'm happy to hear this - that your plans fell through.

    I can relate so well to your situation and your beliefs. I hope you keep posting as you work through them because as I've mentioned, I haven't really figured things out for myself and would benefit from another's insight who is in a similar position.
  7. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    Thank you. Well, I need help myself figuring things out, so maybe as I (hopefully) regain some strength and dig my way out of despair, we can figure some of these things out together.... I always welcome another viewpoint and some friendly banter
  8. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I'm really pleased that your plan got thwarted. You articulate your thoughts so well on here and I hope that it helps you?
  9. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member

    Thanks Fitzy... it does help.

    I do have to figure things out for myself... my trigger points, possible connection to a physical ailment for my problems with depression, what dreams and desires are inside of me that are not met and need to come out... those things. My path in life. I just get so upset when my whole life force.. my whole essence is dragged down to the level of "how much money have you made for me". That's what it comes down to in my job (and in many) and it's even worse since they suck so many hours out of my day and week. That whole thought process just cheapens anyone's life and I hate to think that's the main reason for my existence. It's deep.... I'm frustrated... I'm not out of the woods.

    But, thank you.
  10. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's time to plan how to live, rather than how to die. What do you want to achieve from life and how can you reach that goal?
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