Ok so here is what's up...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by clusterone666, May 19, 2009.

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  1. clusterone666

    clusterone666 Member

    So I will start from the beggining (short version) Ever since I can remember I have had depression... and over the years it has been getting worse (I am 16 now) And this last year it has been extreme to the point where I am not interested in things anymore (or not as much) Lack of motivation, Anger, Sleep insomnia (severe up till at least 2 every night and wake up constantly)
    and suicicidal thoughts (There's more but im summing it up)
    and Every night it hits me the worst.. During the day i feel it but i like to act happy around my friends as to not bring them down to... but most of the time i am depressed around them too just i dont say anything out of not wanting to be criticized... and umm well it doesn't help anything that this is the worst year of my life... I had a major drug issue and Law issue (locked up on probation now) and that does not help a bit...
    family issues (mom won't let me talk to my ex-alcoholic dad and its worrying me because he is suicidal as well) and she is not exactly helpfull with anything either (she didn't beleive that i had Depression) and she has lost her job... and me her and my little brother are all extremely broke and we don't know where we will be living in 3 months from now... All my friends seem to be drifiting away from me and family to... and idk... it sux... And like lately these last couple months when i think of dying it doesn't bother me like it used to... It actually make's me feel good... when before i would feel horrible jist to think about it. And every night i think more and more of suicide and whether or not i should... and yes i know people care and all that... but I dont know things are looking down and they don't look better... and another thing about it is My best friend in the world... it seems like me and him aren't really best friends anymore (i know that sounds childish but me and him have known each other for years and he is close as hell ) and he is kind of being an ass to me lately... but I kind of diserve this... and ive tried apologixing to him and that didn't seem to work and he is blaming me for his Depression too which is not helping...
    So that's the summarized version of it... I am sorry if that was too wrong or anything and seems out of wack... But i just need someone out there to talk to...
    p.s my mom thinks im crazy....
    Thank you
  2. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    Hey Orion. Welcome.
    I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Unfortunately I don't have any insightful words of wisdom as I to have suicidal thoughts. All I can say is that you've made it this far...You said you've been depressed as long as you can remember so you must be doing something right to be able to hang on.
    I'm sure your mom doesn't think you're crazy. Maybe she's worried about you and just doesn't know how to talk to you about it.
    You are not the cause of your friends depression. I know how it feels to be blamed for someone depression. My friends parents blame me for his depression. It's heartwrenching for someone to say something like that to you.
    Come here whenever you're thinking about dying... IT usually helps me :)
  3. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, I'm glad you joined us.

    first off your not crazy, parents can be horrifically wrong when it comes to depression (i am case and point) but you need to remember things can change for you. come here as much as you like, and if your feeling down there is always the forum to express yourself in.

    stay safe out there and remember...
    This is just my farewell, not my goodbye...
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Orion,
    Most people don't understand depression and what it can do to you.. It sounds like you have a massive case of it and probably a few other problems that go hand in hand with it..
    I don't know what country you live in but here in the states you are young enough to apply for medicaid..Then you can see a shrink and a therapist.. You can learn alot from a therapist..
    Does your dad live in the same town as you?? If not you can always tell your mom you are old enough to become an immancipated child if she won't let you have any contact with him..You have rights and it is wrong of her to hold stuff like that over your head..Take Care!!
  5. kar_jen

    kar_jen New Member

    Hey Orion, at 16 you have so much life ahead of you. It may not feel like that with all you are going through but if you don't have anyone who you feel you can talk to then keep posting on this forum cause others do understand. It's important to not keep your feelings locked up inside. Maybe you could seek some medical help...do you have a doctor you could visit?? Depression is a treatable illness. I have people close to me who have been where you are and wanted to die but have sought help and come out the other side to live a good life. Take care!!
  6. clusterone666

    clusterone666 Member

    Thanks a bunch it's good to get positive feedback :) umm well the reason i cause his depression is because of one reason... he is actually and has been gay for me for the past 4 years and i am straight and am not into that... i dont look down on or it or anyhting it is what it is but like everytime we hang out he seems to at one point or another get depressed around me or something like that and it's the same thing like "we need to stop hanging out because its too hard for me, or something along those lines... and then we end up hanging out... and usually we have a lot of fun till about night time that's where we both just talk and stuff... but idk... that's why it is miy fault (if there's more that i can't think of right now i will post it...)
    but ya... and my mom doens't believe me about depression because around people (besides my best friend) i act like who i am not... or i should say not how i feel, like ill act happy or something when in reality i am not at all... but when i do get down really bad or somethign i get in trouble for being grumpy or w/e so i learned to just do whatever it takes to stay out of there way...
    and my dad lives 2 maybe 3 (calli to texas) states away... and I can't make my mom mad at all or she will pull the "I will call your PO " card and will make some shit up to get me locked up again like the first time (lied to the cops to throw me in jail... she even brags to me and her friends about it... pisses me off but w/e)
    so ther is really nothing i can do there...
    thanks though :)
    I appreciate the feedback :)
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