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OK so here's my story

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Well..what can I say...it will be a long story but I consider myself an entertaining person so I might as well give you guys something to read. To begin with I was born in the hot summer…a premature baby of only 7 moths old……. A lot of problems at birth I almost died once because the oxygen supply shut off in the hospital….sometimes I wish that It is better to have died then. I grew up with my grandparents since I was 2 years old my parents split divorced when I was 2. I know I was an unwanted child, they know I was an unwanted child but nobody will recognize this I’m so pissed about this I want them to admit that I was the thing that forced them to get married. Oh well…to continue I lived my childhood as an unwanted child always being told how stupid I was, how the world would be a better place without me ant to top it all off my grandparents perfect saying was “you mother should of shit next to a fence instead of giving birth to you”. Ok so fast forward to school days where I was bullied for being the most honest and straight forward guy the world has ever see. A few feeble attempts of puppy love at 12-13 …tragically failed…..then I got fat…I was a fat guy until I was 19..my grandparents told me that I was fat and made fun at me when the got mad. I lost a lot of weight at 19 trying literally to destroy my body with lots of caffeine and no sleep + no eating. I finally got bellow the average recommended healthy weight… I’m 1.93 cm and now 85kg’s… I should have been 93 ..so I fell in love with this girl….i loved her dearly…she loved me back..i got my first kiss from hewr…and my first night of love….( :D ) ……it went on for a year……then she sayd..a few days after we came home from vacation..she sayd that she woke up one day and she did not love me anymore . I “packed up” and never called her…I almost died…I had nightmares..i woke up suffocating and with crippling heart aches….. I almost died trying to dial the equivallent to “ 911” here…. I fell down on the cement ..i only dialed “9” ..i woke up …again.teribble pains…but I pulled through… I still love her..i still think about her..i’m trying to rebuild my life but I have confusing feelings…I’m afraid to feel..i’m afraid to love again……I like another girl…she’s sweet..but she’s a very “red blooded” woman…. Hasn’t loved anybody..and she says she wants to love…the right guy..i want to be that guy..but..i don’t know if I should..i’m afraid that it could happen again…damn..and I have’t even been out on a first date with her we’ve just got it planed. I like her….i’m afraid…..i don’t know what to feel..i still love my ex…damn

Before this girl gave me a reason to live..i planned to end my life before i was 25.......now..i'm confused..i don't want to kill myself..i just feel sooeeee empty

I keep a very good shield as a fun person..i crack a lot of jokes i'm a real funny guy...but...it's only a shell..i'm empty inside...... when i gome home..at night..it's just me and my emotional scars
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Loosing love always hurts worst the first time.

I am a horrible example for love... I fear love. I saw what love did to my parents who stayed toghether instead of getting divorced, for 25 years its been hell for them. I am one of those people that I feel like everyone tells me im important or that they love me but I never believe them.

So in some reguards im coming from a totaly diffrent direction then you.

I had a wise person once tell me, no matter what, no one is worth dieing over. This is a person who believes in the consequence of murder, they are a police officer and believe deeply in capitol punishment. They said... if you loose the love of a women because of another man or because of that women betraying you in any way, its not worth hurting them, because its not worth dieing for. I kinda have taken to feeling that way, but for me its more like "Since I do not have love its not worth dieing for love I do not have or no longer have".

I don't know what else you have in life, I would say talk to this other girl, its worth a try. Do your best to not worry about rejection or being "dumped later on".

Be communicative, communicate early in the relationship, some people will torture themselves because they may love you a little bit, but not deeply or they might just be kind hearted and let something go on longer then it should. Be prepared to deal with the consequences of being communicative.

You might go to a colledge course on psychology or talk to a doctor who deals with stuff like divorce. Its better to go into a relationship armed with the tools to make it a good one before ending up there 10 years down the road.

The type of skills bosses and army commanders get trained in to communicate and lead with are the same kind of skills that help make relationships easier.

Maybe you could try some confidence building, parashoot out of an airplane, or climb a mountain, or go on a week long hike. The army helped me get over many of my confidence issues, I still have them but they are alot better. Its nothing to be ashamed about.

These are all just suggestions, but by all means try if it matters to you =) and dont give up over a few or a million failures. Sometimes life is not a series of successes, and I can tell you from personal experience that success can be no better then failure sometimes.

You cant ever base your value of worth on what other people say about you, you have to find some way to base your value on yourself and your own actions and feelings.

I'm sorry your grandparents and parents were such as they were, no one deserves that, but none of us realy have the right to have everything either. We just have to make the best of what we have. You are probly a better person because of it you have more compassion and know the consequences of having a kid and getting divorced etc... I think one day if you had a kid you would be a better parent for wanting to never abondon them! So I respect that you will do things right, and be a father when you are ready and when you have found the right person =)
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