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Ok time to break out of welcome section and try to be open about my actions.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Shax, Feb 9, 2010.

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  1. Shax

    Shax Banned Member

    Hi, I've been waiting for the right time to talk about what I tried to do to myself. I've had an extreemly difficult life and to spite that I'm very robust in my character. However, I have succumbed several times to severe stress, anxiety, anger management issues, SLEEP DEPRIVATION, etc, etc and one suicide attempt (I still can't believe actually happened). <mod edit: *useless*: methods>.
    It seems to me that my life is exactly, if not worse than, how it was before. Yet for some reason, through my experience, I've learned that some things aren't worth dying over and at the same time, I don't think I'm coping with issues that are continuing since before my attempt.
    I keep looking for answers and one has been to study psychology at uni, which I continue to learn a great deal from; another source is from my 'experiments' at home (to try to find an open ear) but this is only inspiring hatred, and other negative feelings toward those I care about.
    My life has been filled with such terrible circumstances that I feel I have no way to circumvent the strain this has on me as an individual.
    You wouldn't believe the wretched circumstances I've lived through, and I don't remember much of it because I have an unhealthy way of forgetting it, and of ignoring my feelings about it. Recently, I've been trying to deal with my true feelings about the past, how it has/does effect me, this leads to testing ideas and the results confirming - I feel like I can't leave this place fast enough - you see - I wish to move far enough away and be free from my family, I want to change my name and never see or hear from them again.
    I'll leave it here as it's going to be impossible to respond to a life story, and I wont run out of things to say any time soon.
    Basically, my anger is turning outward, on those I feel should be closer to understanding but aren't. I feel more like killing than suicide because I've come so close (and it's a miracle that I didn't succeed). Like I said, I'm usually very resilient but facing some of these issues has virtually been 'crippling'.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2010
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    You are certainly dealing with some very intense and complex issues, murder is serious to be certain!. Are you getting any kind of professional help? Of course we are all here to support you but these kinds of thoughts and feelings are seldom resolved without professional assistance and I would hate for you to take action based upon your present feelings, you will do something that will undoubtedly complicate your life further leaving others even more confused about you.

    If you are getting professional help may I ask what kind? If not may I ask what has stopped you?

    Take care , Bambi
  3. Shax

    Shax Banned Member

    Thankyou Bambi, yes my issues are much deeper than can be properly handled in this forum (I'd imagine). I doubt that I would commit murder on those "near" to me, but my concern is that I never thought I would make an attempt on my own life either. I'm stuggling and my emotions feel overpowering at times, more than overpowering because they aren't an experience more than they are like a driving force that seems to throw me around, so to speak, against my will.
    I can't seek help because I have a history of mental illness brought about (in my honest opinion) through my life circumstances (which I can't escape right now) and I can't risk being diagnosed with something more severe and suffer the treatment of the more severe diagnosis of schizophrenia, from the current Bipolar Disorder.
    I know my life circumstances need to change, and I'm feeling very trapped in. I feel like I'm about to explode any minute because in some ways I am exploding over almost trivial matters. I hate this place where I live, I need to get out of here. I just really need to move.
    By the way, I'm not receiving any treatment at the moment, I'm not looking to get myself back into the system. I've been thinking about commiting myself again lately just to get out of my current living situation, problem is that I would probably have to come back again anyways and there's no point in bringing my case file back from the (apparent) dead for a short break in a place that isn't any more pleasant than any friends house would be.
    I'm aware how "gamish" this sounds through my personal interest in the field, I just find the experience of it less than puzzling, if that makes sense.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2010
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