Ok.. *TRIGGER*

[resistance]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Today has been a shit day, to the extent I don't even want to wake up in the morning. Oh I SO BADLY wish I can fall asleep and not wake up and let's hope that happens.

So much is going on at the moment my head cannot rest. I haven't had a proper nights sleep in aaaages I have been so tired I struggle to get up in the mornings and dread to think what the day is going to bring. I have been crying A LOT, have an almost constant headache and I am feeling sick.

I am feeling so so SO low about myself... I cannot stand looking in the mirror bcause I end up thinking what the FUCK has happened to me, I hate the way I have turned out why the FUCK would anyone WANT to be my friend anyway. I cannot stand living inside this shell. I cannot stand living another day TRAPPED inside this fucking body, I want to go into my room, sit in the corner and stay there forever. EVeryone is better off without me. I SO FUCKING BELIEVE THAT IS TRUE. But people just won't say it anymore. SAY it. SAY IT>/

Why couldn't I have died in that car crash. Why coludn't that car have run me over today/?? WHY. I am SICK of this life. I am SICK of hiding WHAT I FEEL as a way to protect myself and others. WHAT DOES IT MATTER ANYMORE??? My shield is down. I am past caring.

Today I found a letter from my ex boyfriend, one of a few letters he sent me after our break up. Telling me how I am to blame for his suicide attempt etc and how horrible and nasty and selfish I am. How I have ruined his life and how he is going to haunt me when he kills himself. (I kept the letters in case I contacted the police.... long story).. Triggered off my feelings worse than they were.. made me hate myself even more than I did.... then earlier tonight my dad started talking about the guy who abused me... general chatter about him but IF ONLY HE KNEW, EH?? If only HE KNEW what that "MAN" done to me and how much it has fucking scarred me. I feel like tearing my skin just to get this BADNESS out of me. I cannot stand this anymore... I cannot stand living another day like this...

 

[Deathly Strike]

Hun, don't say things like that.

You're one of the strongest, open-minded, caring members on this forum, and I care a great deal about you. You didn't die in that car crash because you weren't meant to die, thank God. I'm glad you're still here, alive, walking among us. I'd be truly upset if anything happened to you, and I think I speak for most people here when I say I'd miss you a great deal.

And why should you worry about you look? I've seen what you look like, and I can't see anything wrong with you. You're a very, very pretty girl and anyone who fails to see that is clearly ignorant, or extremely stupid. Hell, there's only one ugly person on this entire planet and it ain't you for sure. It's me. So, look in the mirror and smile because there ain't nothing wrong with you. Oh, and the ex-boyfriend? Fuck him! Rip up his letters, hun, and do it now. They're causing you a great deal of pain, and that's never a good thing. Just please, burn the letters or whatever, and sleep this off. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. You've been a great friend to me and many other members on this forum, and we'd be a great loss without you. You know how to get in touch with me if you need someone to vent to.

:hug:

 

[resistance]

Thank you... I shouldn't have posted. Everytime I post about myself on this board I end up feeling bad... unworthy.

 

[Terry]

Res hun if you have a counsellor or therapist can I suggest you give em a ring and have an emergency session..cos you can't go on like this :sad:
You sound so overwhelmed by everything at the moment :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[~PinkElephants~]

Res you are not responsible for anyone's attempt. That is on their hands and their hands alone. You are a wonderful and giving soul who does not deserve to be treated so horribly. This ex, needs to be kicked, b/c you are beautiful and he doesn't deserve taht beauty in you. I hope that you can see through this pain and see what a special person you are.

I am here if you need to vent
Kells

 

[Spearmint]

:hug: Rez. :hug: :hug:

You're awesome, here anytime you need to talk, hun.