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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cookiemonster, Oct 14, 2009.

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  1. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    Somewhere between 10 and 20 days i will be going away for a while. it could be anywhere between 1 day and forever depending on how it goes. but i'm hoping for it to be final.

    thanks for all of the support on here it has been incredibly helpful and i wish you all the very best in the event that i don't return.

    thank you
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    What's happening? Please keep posting.

  3. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    at the minute the only thing that can knock me out of suicidal thoughts is an attempt and the earliest i can attempt is in 10 days. so, i'm going to do it, probably unsuccessfully and possibly come back but maybe not
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    What has brought you to this decision?
  5. SusieLils

    SusieLils New Member

    omg Why??????

    Someone please explain..my partner killed himself earlier this year - and to see and read that you guys want to is something i need some unerstanding of??
    Please - someone , explain ur thoughts.

    ur sooo loved
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If the earliest you can attempt is ten days then why not admit yourself to hospital? Might help you to find another solution. If not then you still have your date. Voluntary admittance means at most 72 hours then you can discharge. Please give it a try hun.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Glg, don't do it :(

    I agree with Itmahanh's suggestion. Please go to the hospital, you don't want to go through with it :sad: :hug:
  8. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    Bloody school compuetrs :bash:

    I wrote this out once already but it logged me out.

    I'm really sorry if this sounds muddled but this is what my thought sounds like at the minute and its really hard to get this down anyway.

    I hate myselfr. I hate everythign about myself. I hate the way I talk, the way I act and the way I react to things that aren't even important. Its really hard to live with someone you dispise so thoroughly. My friends are finding this out as well at the minute. they don't like me because of the depression and the way it makes me feel and react to things. In a way, I have pushed them away but in another way, they are all I really have. Its just hard to think about them hating me.

    I also don't see myself having a future. I used to have a really clear plan of what I wanted to be and how I would get there. Now I can't achieve it, nothign seems good enough anymore and I just feel like I failed myself.

    I feel numb as well in a way. I should be feeling grief or worry or happiness something but it just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I don't care about anything I previously loved. I feel dirty if anythign because of the way I cast aside everything to think about myself.

    I will probably fail this attempt as I have done the many others. It will be just another one of those things. I will probably take the help though afterwards and my get myself sorted.

    Thank you for the concern though, it is appreciated :hug:
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But you are being so hard on yourself. All those things you describe arent you hun. They are the depression and thoughts. Depression needs us isolated to do what it will. To fill our heads with dire and sad things. To make us believe that we are useless and worthless. It takes away dreams and hopes for a future. That isnt you it's the depression. I think if you got away from it, tried to go to hospital, and had a break from the same old same old everyday, you may be able to break the depression. Even if only for a few short hours or minutes. But in that time you will see that your life isnt over yet. Please hun, dont listen to the depression and the thoughts. That isnt the real you. The real you is the person inside that is hurting and is trying so hard to be heard. But everything else keeps pushing that person down. It is fighting a huge battle alone. So please hun, hear that part of you and get some help now.
  10. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    Thank you. That is incredibly helpful. but as i don't want my parents to know i'm in crisis i have to wait at least another 8 days until i can go and get help as well. and if things get too sticky in the meantime i have my ways of dealing with it. but one of the worst things for me to do right now is get help if i ever want to do anything ever again...
  11. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel about not wanting your parents to know and so feeling you can't go and seek proffesional help. But you can. I felt the same way but eventually things got to much for me and i'm now waiting on an appointment with a counsellor. When my parents found out it wasn't easy but they now accept that if it helps me they'll support me. And i'm sure your's will understand too. Please don't attempt. It'll hurt your parents more than if you told them that you wanted help.
  12. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    tomorrow is the day... In 10 days (well 9) i have found out that some people genuinely care and others just want to look like they care, and i still feel pushed out quite a lot and so although I'm hoping that I'm giving up everything, if I do survive I don't think i will be coming back here so much.

    Its a fantastic community but it reminds me of the real world too much and i still find myself on the outside of everything.

    thank you
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You've said that in nine days you've realized some people genuinely care. Why not reach out to them for help? If you know they care about you, they should be willing to help you. Your life is worth fighting for.
  14. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i don't tend to reach out to people anymore after some things that happened last year got put on the internet. i don't trust people anymore
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Once trust has been ruined it is a very hard thing to rebuild. Especially if it was the trust of a good friend, family or partner. And the worst part is how it makes you feel. Like you have been torn apart and exposed for some sort of fool.

    I suffer horribly with trust issues. And in my opinion the one the hurts the most is the person that the trust has been broken for. But even with the issues I have, I need to let myself believe that there are guenuine and caring people on this site. Because if I didnt then I would really be so alone. Usually I find them. I've screwed up a few times but the "good" ones are still there for me and have stuck it out through a lot. Please dont give up entirely on the site. If you need to back away for awhile that's ok. Need to look at things and consider things for a bit that's ok too. But dont give up on all the members here. Or all your friends and family in RL. YOU need them. So please just think and consider all the options before you make a final decision. :arms:
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