Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Apr 10, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    ...so this is where I'm at.

    The thoughts are there. I have meds, oodles of meds. Enough in quantity and mixture.

    What am I waiting for?
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    obv no one gives a shit. I don't either. Fabulous.
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I give a shit. I am just now reading your post, if I'd seen it before, I would have responded. If you take those meds, you may or may not die and if you do die, it'll be a painful death more than likely. That's not the way to go. I hope you see my message before you've done anything.
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    check your email ?

    I hope whatever is going on doesn't overwhelm you. you've got too many friends here.
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm ok with pain.

    but thats not the point.

    don't worry. i can't do anything right now.

    take care.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Just reading your thread now Mo..
    so glad you can't do anything at the moment..
    what if you took them and ended up with brain damage or something similar?
    Not worth the risk!
    there are many who care about you here..:arms:
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I understand that risk. But if it happened I wouldn't know necessarily. Anyhow i talked with someone and that helped.

    i also just had a meeting with something metal which has helped.

    This......I....... Am ridiculous. I apologize
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I do care. I just didn't see your post until now. Here if you need anything, you're always welcome to drop me an email or a text.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I just saw your post this minute. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I care, too. You know you can PM me anytime. :arms:
  10. MisterBGone


    Sending positive vibes your way in the hopes that they help to dampen the depression in some form or fashion.
  11. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I'm here and I care, Mo! :console:
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you all.

    But you know, I'm so tired of myself.

    My actions, words and stupidity. I'm NOT a good person. You have to trust me on this.
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Tomorrow (today) I need to figure out what and how to talk with my T. I am scared to be honest about some thoughts. My thoughts (words), actions etc. have been and continue to be abhorrent. I'm confused. But I also disgust myself. A blade is my new best friend. I think I'd be happy to just surrender and let someone else deal with my life, because it is becoming crystal clear that I can't. Unfortunately it is not me to admit that I need help, even though I quietly hope someone will hear my internal screams or read my mind. I don't want to deal, to think nor to feel. I feel pretty pathetic not coping better. Work needs figured out, my life needs figured out. Theres a lot here I need to sort through and deal with. And there is me - falling pretty hard into this abnormal life. Heart completely broken. Feeling like I ultimately let her down. No doubt I'll just become mute, dissociate at some point, return and become frustrated with self and leave.

    Its so easy to say, just be honest with T. Not so easy to do. Too many things on my mind relating to too much. One piece at a time - sure - but when its all floating around in your mind, with flashing words and images before you, how the hell can I choose life?
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Things got a little dicey last night. After doing what I do to my normal location I thought I'd move onto my wrist. Clever girl - eh? Its that pain that I need, sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't. But I need to feel it. I want to feel it. And I know this sounds so out there, so rediculous.

    At what point do you know you've hit rock bottom? Haven't I been here for a while? Isn't it time things changed? That I changed? Fuck me.
  15. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    You're NOT pathetic, Mo... and you're absolutely NOT a bad person (although I know that you genuinely believe that you are). I hope that you are able to be honest with your T about what you're going through. You know that I of all people understand how difficult this can be. Sending you so much love and positive energy, Sweet Friend...T :console:
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Why bother to put myself through all of this? Its more painful trying than not doing so. Easier to go hibernate. I fucking give up.
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Amazing to me that irl all those concerned folks who "cared" have vanished following her death. Feels like I've died too. Prophetic?
  18. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Mo, when someone dies, people often don't know what to say or do when things start to "settle". They often think the bereaved want privacy. My heartfelt feeling is that the people who cared still care, but they're afraid of rushing you, bombarding you, overwhelming you. I'm sure most of them are trying to be respectful, hun. And they're being so respectful that they are erring in being too careful not to disturb you.

    Perhaps when you need these people, reach out to them? Otherwise there's a good chance they will sit there wondering how you are doing, but not calling because they don't want to be intrusive, and you'll sit there grieving alone.

    Most people are good and don't mean to alienate and isolate you. Many probably don't have any experience with this kind of loss and thus don't really know how much even a quick call to you would be appreciated.

    You're not alone here. You are important. You are a GOOD person. We care about you. :arms:
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    you are probably correct. I won't ask of people, rather I pull away when hurting. So I've only myself to blame. Nothing new. Victim mentality, as I said. Woe is me. Blah blah bloody blah.
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you have always been a good person to me Mo...and I am forever grateful to have met you..you have been there for me when I needed it.
    I wish you could treat yourself with the love and caring that you treat others with...you really do deserve it
    I agree with Acy about the way others react to grief but it doesn't make it any less painful when people seemingly ignore you at the most vulnerable time in your life..
    we haven't deserted you here and know we care about you :arms:
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