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Okay well:

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brighid Moon, Jun 29, 2009.

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  1. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I hope that things go well for others. I hope that everyone finds the help and love they need. You all deserve good. Peace out. :hug:
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    If you are o.k. and leaving, then I wish you the best. If not, then please don't go. You are a wonderful presence here. Why are you doing this now? We're here to help you find peace. Please stay with us.
  3. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Where you going?
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Are you leaving for a good reason, such as you feel you no longer need the support SF offers? Or are you leaving in a more negative manner. I sincerely hope it is not the second scenario as many here, myself included, would be saddened to see you go in such a way. You deserve as much help and love as anyone else here. Stay and let us give that to you :hug:
  5. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Please don't do anything rash. As the saying goes, "when you hit bottom, there's no place to go but up". Yes it can be hard, but it's worth it when things improve.
  6. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Are you leaving us? Hope, all is well.
  7. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I still wish the best for everyone. I had every intent upon finishing this entire debacle which is called my life, but my therapist stopped me, this time. I'm still considering it. This is one of the hardest ones yet for me to pull out of.

    My thanks to you all who care. :hug:
  8. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I'm glad you're still with us! Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. :hug: You've helped me a lot in the past and many others here.
  9. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    I'm saddened to hear you are going through such a tough time. If you need a friend my contact details are in my profile or PM me anytime. Best wishes Simon.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Hang in there hun, we're right with you :)
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i'm at a similar place at the moment. i have enjoyed talking to you here and reading your posts.

    what is it making you want to finish your life?
  12. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you all.

    ggg4567, I can't take the roller-coaster this perimenopause has me on. I had my life all going pretty well, free of panic, free of memories, free of dissociation, until this hormone thing kicked in a bit over a year ago, as well as being put in the position of dealing with my dad again. Now I can't take any more, and I can't bear the thought of this continuing on indefinitely. I can't bear the pain of the memories and the emotions attached. I get no sleep due to the nightmares. I can't eat (or take meds) due to a new phobia/paranoia I have (that only cropped up this past year due to the hormone volcano). All of my old coping techniques have reappeared and are barely under control (cutting, burining myself, wanting to throw up all the time). My rage is out of control, I go off on everyone and everything for virtually nothing. I despise feeling that way and it is not me - it's the hormones. Well, not that I don't have rage, my therapist is putting me in anger management (again). I had that under control before, too, now no longer. I hate myself this way. I push everyone away. I run off from everything due to frustration. My tolerance is at less-than-0. Its like everything that ever was before has returned to torture me 100x more than it ever did in the past. Its like the years before I found out I was DID, only now I have the knowledge and awareness I didn't back then, so I get to hate myself even more and be aware when I'm being completely irrational. It makes me feel psychotic. I can't live like this. I just fucking can't do this. I don't want to. The doctors won't do anything. I've been going to different ones for a year now. They hear "PTSD" (because God Forbid you say DID to the real world, they have a hissy) and throw you to the shrinks or try and force SSRIs down your throat (even when you tell them YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM due to phobia). They're idiots. Try and tell them that it's perimenopause and they shrug you off. Of course obviously it can't be HORMONAL and Hormone Replacement Therapy is obviously far more dangerous than psych drugs (which have a huge history of severe side-effects and dangers) because of the possibility of stroke or heart failure. So no HRT for me - just shove the good old mind-and-soul numbing psych drugs down me and make me a good little zombie so they don't actually have to deal with me. (Even though the bloody meds don't work on me! And never have except to give me the bloody side-effects, why? DID!) I can't do this song and dance any longer to get help. I want to commit myself forever, except that I can't give up my dog or my computer (and they don't commit people for life unless they kill someone - though god knows with my newly-found rage attacks). I can't deal with being inundated with these memories. I can't do it. I can't do these nightmares and lack of sleep any longer. I can't deal with not being able to eat food without panic, or look at or think about eating food without knowing I'll have a panic attack if I try it. I can't deal with the ISB and its pain and the blood and its killing me and no one will do anything about it. If I were rich perhaps! Which brings me to another issue: I can't deal with my dad and having to depend upon him. I can't deal with his attitude. I can't deal with the fact that he's won complete control over me because I can't work, I can't make money, I have to live on SSI and now I'm up here and he has complete control because I have to depend on him because I can't live on $600 a month. No one can. I won't even go into my governement rants. I'll just say living with a narcissist (even long-distance, though he may as well be in the same room as me) is impossible. That, in itself, makes me want to kill myself. I try and sell all the stuff I own to get money but no one's buying. I've been trying for months to get rid of my antiques. Its the economy, which will only get worse. Again, leaving out rants about governement and the USA.

    Oh, not to mention I"m alone, all anyone wants me for is to fuck. I'm not worth caring about or having a relationship with because I'm so fucked up I wouldn't wish me on my worst enemies (though they, too, wish me dead). And I can't take this being alone thing much longer (another change, I've been fine being single for years now, until last year).

    Heh, this turned long huh?

    I want out. I can't take any more. I just can't. I fucking want out.
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    can i give you lots of :hug:s because they come from the heart? you sound so stuck and you're in hell. it's so understandable you want out.

    you're angry- understandably you're living with a narcissist father who i assume might have hurt you and are suffering flashbacks, your doctors aren't realising you have a body and a mind that is connected and will treat everything in isolation. don't hate yourself for feeling angry, what you're feeling is natural, you're pushing everyone away because you're dealing with so much. maybe what you're saying is you need your own space, and own time to work things through.

    have you seen a general doctor rather than a psychiatric one for perimenopause and IBS? i know personally, certain vitamins can help PMS, i was wondering if there was a specialist who'd be able to understand perimenopause and IBS better than your psych and offer you ways of coping which suits you that isn't HRT or anything? you mention blood in relation to IBS which sounds worrying.

    is there any way of channelling your anger out in a way that relieves you- exercise etc, to let off the agitation? you've started self harming- which is relief but it doesn't sound like that's helping much.

    your nightmares and lack of sleep sound horrific. have you tried or been offered an anti-anxiety drug? i feel the same way you do about SSRIs but a sedative can mean some sleep can be got. and sleep is so important when you're having mood swings the way you do. maybe getting your nightmares "out" in any way, drawing, writing will maybe help lessen the agitated rage, anxiety and difficulty with food, you're feeling? how is your therapist helping with all these experiences?

    your financial situation sounds really tough and frustrating to depend on your father who, i suspect might have hurt you. maybe what's happening between you and him is crossing of boundaries that might trigger you- i am not sure, but talking about this to your therapist- to help her help you recreate strong, assertive boundaries between yourself and your father, rather than isolate your anger and send you to anger management (your anger, i think is justifiable and understandable but maybe anger management helps you, i'm not sure) might help your father 'go off into the distance' and have less detrimental impact on you.

    i know you feel desperately alone and you do sound very alone. i know that mightn't be off much comfort but i am listening to you, i do feel for you, i worry and i really hope your mood swings stable out and you get some peace because you deserve it.

    you're going through unbearable physical and emotional pain and it's no wonder you want out. you have my 100% empathy. i could have written your post as i feel so much like you about SSRIs and doctors, dissociate to the point of having DID symptoms that no one listens to, have horrible PMS at times and have a narcissistic father too.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2009
  14. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah, I have a regular doctor (who sent me to a shrink) and a therapist (who is awesome). I've seen several doctors over the past year. They all say different physical things, but all simply want to address all of those things with SSRIs. Strange, huh? I think doctors think SSRIs are The Answer to Life the Universe and Everything.

    I tried vitamins and even herbals - I buy them with the best of intentions, but then my new phobia takes over and I can't even get the pills to my mouth (or put on the creams). It's horrible. I get panic immediately upon attempting it. And panic feeds future panic. I have so much to work on with my therapist, but we only get 45 minutes 2x a month. I think that's why she sent me to the anger management, too. I'm sure it'll help. God knows I need it. Unless I dissociate or blow out. Heh.

    I'm working on getting an exercise room set up outside of my trailer, under the awning. I've been looking for freebees to add to it, and that takes time. I need to exercise for a bunch of reasons. I can't even do yoga or dancing in my little trailer. I walk my dog, but I get worn out. I'm not sure if that's physical or psychological, honestly. But again, doctor sends me to shrink because I mention PTSD or something. The doctors all think its in my head. I think its their way of shoving me off onto someone else because they're overloaded and I'm only on medicaid - and poor people don't matter in the larger (greedy, selfish, capitalistic) scheme of (economical) things.

    The only anti-anxiety drug I can take (literally at this time), that does work, and has no side-effects (except to knock me out) is klonopin. I have three bottles (two full) that has to hold me over indefinitely, as I can't get any more. Why? Because doctors don't want to give them out. They're a benzodiazepine, which means they're addictive (we won't get into the addictive/dangerous qualities of dr's favourite cure-all SSRI - that's a whole other bag of rage for me). So I take 1/4 of a tab (obviously I'm that addicted!) as necessary (which means only when I'm having a severe panic attack that would normally send me to the hospital), and try to make them last (I discovered a bottle of those puppies can last almost two years and still work - I learned that when I was well and didn't have to take them for that long, then needed them again).

    I really have been trying everything within my limited (and becoming more so) ability. I'm through. I don't have it in me any longer. I'm about to turn myself in and throw up my hands and say "YOU DEAL WITH IT!" to the hospital or something. I dunno.

    I got pills.
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Maybe hospital would help? Have you been admitted as an inpatient before, if you have did you find it helpful?

    They might listen to your physical problems and deal with you as a whole- get you referred to specialists perhaps.

    It's taken me years and years to let psychiatrists get the idea I'm not taking SSRIs or antipsychotics. I hear your frustration and pain in getting adequate care and treatment if you can't afford it or by professionals who aren't listening to you.

    I'm on klonopin too. It's the only thing I like too.

    Do keep talking to your therapist and using anything that helps you to get you through this time. And if everything gets too much, like you say, you can go to the hospital and let them deal with it. But your life is precious and although you're in a lot of pain , you're fighting, there's a lot of strength in your words.
  16. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Maybe. Except when I'm freaked out enough that they'd accept me, I get too paranoid to call. This entire thing has become so bloody "Catch-22"! :faint: I've just gotten so used to (over the years) doctors fucking me off for this reason or the other. Why don't they teach them to listen while they're paying all that exorbant amount of money to spend 8-12 years in school?

    At least if I go in, I know my dog will be taken care of by the owner of the park I live in. He's a nice man, and my dog adores him. (Helps that he continually feeds her steak bones!)
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yeah, approaching them in a crisis can be a risk when you're vulnerable, especially when they do the fuck off treatment. tell me though, if you do ever meet a doctor who listens to you, i met a few recently and once i find them i really do tell them how grateful i am, they are that rare.

    your dog sounds like he's in good hands. :smile: that's one thing to be less worried about.

    do look after yourself. hospital is an option that you've mentioned. what has helped me is kinda preparing myself for any bullshit that they spew out,, which is difficult if you're in rough place but is a good defense if you find them triggering/unsafe for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2009
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