Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Oct 4, 2009.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know I said I wouldnt post my shit anymore. But I guess just need to know that someone else knew.

    Deep inside I know I'm a good person. Deep inside I know I deserve better than all this. Deep inside I know it's never going to get better though.

    I cant take being me anymore and all that goes with it. I cant take the hurt and pain that everyone else seems to think I deserve and can take. I cant take life anymore.

    So wanting to taking the next best thing.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    :hug: Hi honey, we're both having a rough time today.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It's like I have an on/off switch right now. I sit here fighting so hard not to pick up where I left off before the police got involved last night. It's so intense, so overwhelming, so within my reach. But then I read a thread and poof, off goes the need to do something to myself for a few seconds and on comes little miss help them. Hypocrite through and through. And it's eating me alive!! I need some peace right now. I am truly afraid to shut off the computer because I know what will happen and my little one is here right now. God make it stop!!!!!
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    did this tread to try and help me. did the goody tweo shoe thing. went to chat straight into triggering.; sat ther for eternity trigering myself worse alone. one dear soul tried after about 15 minutes but too late, itsl all i see and know. for the sdake of my little one went there anyone could distract me before i got to this point . 20 odd people ther and i sat alone. i know i dont go there but jsut thoguth maybe this time. thank you missunderstood i knwo you tried but you were working with the cards stacked against you before you got there. jsut wnated to be distracted before it al went ot shit. too late the shit is here and i'm gona go face it. thanks anyhow
  5. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    I wish there was something I could say to help but I know words don't change anything. Here's a hug to show that I care. :hug:
  6. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    You have helped so many here, and I understand that when it comes to yourself it is the most difficult. But please hang in there, because you never know what's going to save you from any destruction you do. You don't know what lies in your future that isn't as rough as you've been through, but it is there. I know you've tried hard and are probably tired of it, but don't let go. Like you said, take little steps and the rest may work itself out quicker than you thought.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please hang on just look at you child look at smiles the unconditional love you get please hang on never let go of your childs love You are tired and so fed up with everything but please just get through it again for your child sake please
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry if no one joined you in triggers Carla. Sometimes we need to ask and i know how hard that can be. I have no cut and dried answers to tell you what to do. Don't ever stop reaching out for support wherever you can find it. PM me anytime you need. I will get back as soon as i can. :hug:
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks everyone. Dont know whats wrong. This isnt my bipolar. I'm like a land mind, one step and bam. I dont know which way I can turn lately without triggering and set off the suicidal urges. And dont know why but cant seem to fight them. They come and I'm ready to act on them. Doc didnt see the need to keep me at the hospital after my little "incident" on the weekend. I just dont know how to explain how intense it is. And then I feel so horrible for posting in here so much but I know that I need to reach out. But I cant sit too long either cuz the urges are soooo strong. So guess I'm just try to ask that please be patient with me. I know I'm a pain in the ass, but a well meaning, nice pain in the ass (lol). Gotta count for something right?
  10. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    He there Carla (I heard another user calling you Carla, hope you don't mind me using your real name). Don't apologise for posting your feelings even tough you said you wouldn't. Don't apologise for being a "pain in the ass", even tough I don't think you are. We're all here for you no matter what you say or do. I'm happy you came and posted (even tough I'm sad you actually needed to post, I'd rather know you're happy and in no need to vent.). It's good you know yo can always count on us.

    You deserve better than this, you deserve to be happy. You're a great person on the inside and deserve to be recognised as that on the outside. Maybe you need to open yourself alittle more to your therapist? Sometimes they are too busy with too many patients and fail to see signs. You should tell them everything at all, all your feelings, emotions, everything that can help your therapist make a better diagnosis.

    Stop for a moment and think, what is lacking in your life? What do you need to fulfull yourself? There has to be an answer somewhere. You just need to find it.

    Whatever happens, we'll be always here for you. No matter what, we'll be your constant. You can seek as anytime, as much as you want.
  11. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Whatever makes you think you're a pain in the arse eh? (Cause you ain't!)

    You don't have to write coherently or make sense, and I know it's impossible to put into words the depth and blackness of the feelings, but just keep getting it out as much as you can, whenever you can. You'll be heard.

  12. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    We like you here, and I think it might be beneficial for you keep letting your thoughts out. Do you feel confused? How do you know it's not related to Bipolar Disorder?
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