Hi there, everyone. It's really strange to not go into a full on introduction of myself, like I always do. I'm a very social person, so...weird not going into it the way I normally do. Anyway, I live in South Africa but am American-born. I've been here for about 12 years. I work in the media industry as a producer which is pretty cool cos I'm quite young - 26. I recently started having suicidal thoughts and it's not the 1st time. A couple of years ago I was hospitalised for about a week and went to therapy for it. I don't think that the issues were really resolved though. Sadly enough, one of the major causes of my depression is a result of my relationship with my mother. I wouldn't say that this is the only source, but it is the most immediate one. It's a pretty convoluted story and I really need to get rid of this load so brace yourselves...it's gonna be a long one. Basically, I lost my biological mother when I was 8 years old and a year later I lost my father who I had only really known after my mother's death. I know that this can be a cause for my depression. I was adopted by my aunt not too long after my parents' deaths and that is who I refer to as my mom now. not too long after that my teenage brother got himself in trouble with the law and was incarcerated for some years...I only saw him again when I was 20 when he was released from prison. At the time, I wasn't going through any kind of turmoil at the loss of both my parents and brother but as I got older and I understood the situations more I think I started to feel a certain resentment. As a teen I started to act out, but nothing hectic, just what normal teens do - thinking had all the answers, sneaking out to go to a party and that kind of stuff. My mom thought I was a problem and since we have never seen eye to eye. My older brother never really got his life back on track and has pretty much been dependent on other people's patience and charity - including my mom's. When I was a teen my mom also adopted another nephew of hers, younger than me. And he is a very well behaved kid but he's a bit slow on the uptake and this year he was almost held back at school. This stress compounded with the fact that he stole our mom's car to go to a party - like most silly teens do - was added to the many daily stresses that my mom has (including the fact that we don't get on so well). I've found that over the years the complaining has escalated, the disgruntled-ness has gone up and her level of patience has reduced to almost non-existent. We all try our hardest to not upset her but she will indirectly find a way to get upset with you. I've tried not caring, I've tried caring more and now I'm not sure what direction to go. I can't tell her how I feel cos then she just get upset and thinks that I'm attacking her - yesterday i mentioned uring an argument that the argument, which was a result of my older brother flapping his mouth out of context was '"nonsense and unecessary" and she thought I was saying that I think she's nonsense. Everyday she can see that I'm hurting and everyday she continues to bulldoze me and everyone that she can around her. My brothers can handle it but I, unfortunately, am not so emotionally equipped. I don't want to argue half of the time and it takes all of me to hush up and take it and occassionally I do get impatient with her and then she will exclude me from daily activities and will ask everyone that is around to do things as if I were incapable. I keep throwing myself out there and saying I can do it and she'll say "If you want to." I dunno...writing it out like this makes it seem so trivial but it's my reality and it's been years of the same treatment. I moved out for 2 years and was ok. Then I moved back in a month ago and it was alright, until my older brother said something I had told him but didn't explain the context in which I said it and now it's like I am the most horrible person in the world. i've explained it to her and she chooses to go on being upset with me. I sometimes think she prefers just being angry at me and everyone around her. She chooses going from one person one moment to the next. So she'll be ok with me but be angry with someone else. And as soon as she is done being angry them, then she'd be angry at me and cool with them and tell them how much I mess up, or what's the latest thing I've done wrong. I'm just tired. I know that I can't talk to her. I feel horrible whn I wish bad on her. I know that I can't hurt her physically - which sometimes I want to do out of sheer frustration, I'd just like to hit her sometimes like she's allowed to do to me when she is at her teether's end. I've spoken to other people about it and have come up with nothing. If I can't solve the equation what else is left than to just remove myself from it? I already feel alone as it is. I've felt alone for years and when she goes leaving me out I feel doubly, triply alone. And going on through life by myself if I just disappeared and cut her and everyone else out, that is a very scary thought. Cos I know life gets friggin hard out there. So what's left to do? Anyway, like I said...I talk a lot. So let me slow down and not bore anyone with anymore of my complaining - I feel like that's what this is turning into. I feel like i'm ranting and raving. Well, I'm hoping I can get some answers in this forum. Lord knows I don't have any of my own.