I have been feeling pressured and mentally drained lately. I feel lost when I am recovering. I kinda like the feeling of being starved all the time and feeling pain because without it I am not sure what to feel. i am scared I’ll fall back into my old habits because I really want to. Kinda sad to admit but I want to be sick. I don’t like feeling better because I am so used to feeling worse. I get so angry with myself when I don’t succeed what I intend to do. For example, go without food for few days or harm myself because I feel like I deserve it. I get so mad when I fail suicide attempt, but at same time glad I didn’t die, if that makes any sense. I am trying to stay alive for my family, I know they still need me. these thoughts have been weighing on my mind for awhile. I don’t have anyone I trust to talk to about it. I feel like they won’t understand and judge me. I almost told a friend everything I was struggling with, but I couldn’t bring myself to voice the words. I just want this feeling to go away and not have to deal with it for rest of my life. But it’s going to be a long battle.