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Old habits

Dani24

Well-Known Member
#1
I have been feeling pressured and mentally drained lately. I feel lost when I am recovering. I kinda like the feeling of being starved all the time and feeling pain because without it I am not sure what to feel. i am scared I’ll fall back into my old habits because I really want to. Kinda sad to admit but I want to be sick. I don’t like feeling better because I am so used to feeling worse. I get so angry with myself when I don’t succeed what I intend to do. For example, go without food for few days or harm myself because I feel like I deserve it. I get so mad when I fail suicide attempt, but at same time glad I didn’t die, if that makes any sense. I am trying to stay alive for my family, I know they still need me. these thoughts have been weighing on my mind for awhile. I don’t have anyone I trust to talk to about it. I feel like they won’t understand and judge me. I almost told a friend everything I was struggling with, but I couldn’t bring myself to voice the words. I just want this feeling to go away and not have to deal with it for rest of my life. But it’s going to be a long battle.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
sometimes when we feel a certain way for a long time we get used to it. you are comfortable because all is the same. but as you recover you start to feel differently and it can be distressing even though we are getting better. but as you keep repeating healthy behavior it becomes the new norm. and your family does need you so please remember that. i know it's not the same as irl but if you want to talk please feel free to use my inbox. i will listen to you and try to understand...mike...*console*sadhug*shake
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#5
Sorry it’s been a difficult go —& a tough run for you, as of late @Dani24 , but I’m glad you did fail, in your efforts. . . For I suppose, that - that is the one thing in life, that we can say that about (or that it is good to do!) : ) I think that, there is a comfort to this whole not being well thing. Right? We can collapse back into it... sort of, and then not have to take on the other pressures and responsibilities that we otherwise would, were we in better condition. Or God forbid - healthy! :^) but these learned behaviors, habits as you say, they can be unlearned, or retrained— but it takes time. And effort, in short dedication. Probably have to sort of unlearn what was already developed and established as a I don’t want to say coping mechanism, but for whatever reason... you said that you took comfort in the feeling. Well, that’s what I’m talking about right there. Clearly we know that this is not good and if it gets carried away, not that you haven’t seen already where that can lead, mentally. But eventually physically as well. As things will begin to happen that you may think you won’t or wouldn’t care about, but believe me, once they do - you will . . . Anyway, enough of that! ;) I hope you’re in some kind of treatment program or getting some level of professional help for this. Also, therapy can be useful for getting some of these things that can be burdensome off your chest. Once you do, you’ll feel a great weight lifter. And there you won’t have to worry about being judged. Which, even if friends say and tell you that they wont, they most certainly will. If not immediately, you’d better believe eventually. And how much, or how severe, all depends on them and their thermometers or temperatures taken in regards tastes or stomachs or opinions when it comes to these matters. Trust me - it can be more difficult to predict than you might think! For instance, and though this was a long time ago, I remember it like it was yesterday... At the time of my attempt I had what I would’ve considered to be two very, very close friends. Both of whom I communicated with multiple times in a given day / night. Well, once this happened and I’d survived. If you’d have asked me how they would’ve reacted prior to, and I thought I’d known or knew them pretty damn well—I’d have guessed pretty assuredly that one would’ve felt one way, no questions asked... & the other, the other way! (Undoubtedly; judging by how I felt each would have handled the matter given the nature of the controversial topic & its stigmatizing nature). I was flat-dead wrong. :/ not only I wrong but each was equally severe and extreme in their behaviors and reactions and everything else when it came to their treatments of me from therein or after (& onward, shall we say!). So I guess what bothers me most in a weird way, is that had I died — I’d have died misjudging what their reactions might be, or might have been. And that still to this day gets me. That I could’ve been so wrong in my read. But here’s the kicker! Guess who gave me up for good: the one who was in graduate school at the time and went on to become a licensed marriage counselor! ( ; or was it family, something or other— I guess I wouldn’t know as we’d lost touch shortly thereafter when she’d dropped me, like a bad habit! :D
 

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