Old member but finally ready to share.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by squirreldude90, Mar 27, 2011.

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  1. Hi everyone,

    My name is Lucas and I've actually been a member here for quite some time now. I use the term member loosely, as I have spent my time mostly in a passive way, reading other people's experiences and posts. I am a 21 year old studying Philosophy and Theology at Oxford University in the UK and would say I've led a good life.

    Just over two weeks ago I took an overdose. It was a Friday and I had spent the day doing some uni work, and had gone for dinner with some friends before going home to chill out as I had a busy weekend ahead. When i got home, I made myself a glass of ginger ale, sat on my sofa and xxxxxx. I was found by my housemate passed out who after managing to rouse me somewhat, managed to gauge what I had done and called an ambulance. I was taken to hospital for the weekend where I was given ipecac syrup and charcoal, before being monitored closely by nurses. I returned home on Monday after some conversations with doctors and psychiatrists.

    Since then I have had to tell my parents about my depression, which I have suffered with, in my opinion, for at least 6 years. I also had to have and set up more appointments with counsellors, which I have always been very skeptical about. Anyway, its been a time of a lot of change in my life and I've been struggling to make those around me understand exactly how I'm feeling, so like many people with the internet, I've decided to thrust it on the internet in some hope of response, or likeminded individual to have discussion with or whatever.

    As I said earlier, I look at my life thus far, objectively at least, and it seems to have the makings of being very good. I don't consider myself disadvantaged in any way - I think I'm attractive, I am intelligent and have done well academically, with good and exciting job offers rearing their head, I've had girlfriends and one night stands, have several very very good friends and am very close to all of my family. I look at my life and on paper it seems fine. So when I say this to the psychiatrist I always preface this next point by saying it seems arrogant - why isn't there more? And I don't mean more as in a better life or more money, or more girlfriends, or closer friends I just mean more in a very vague sense. I don't want more drama or happiness or sadness or anger, I want it to mean more. I don't mean that i want to be significant, or for my actions to have further reaching repercussions than they already do, its just there seems to be a fundamental "something" which I can't quite place but isn't there. This leads on to my second point about life which is to say its boring. Not boring in the sense that nothing exciting happens or I don't enjoy things, just that it doesn't seem to be culminating in anything. Though again, it's not that I feel I'm owed anything special or that I deserve to do great things of be a great man, its just that the whole charade of existence on this ridiculous planet seems to be utterly meaningless on an individual level in the short term, and in the long term, collectively. My father and my psychiatrist said that unfortunately that's life and everyone has to do it - I ask "Why must everyone?" People say suicide is selfish but it seems very selfish to me to have a couple decide to hurl you headfirst into this world and then expect you to enjoy it and life and everything it is. Of course I am grateful, it just seems to me that most people don't give mind to the fact that you don't exist for a far longer time than you do and there is a beautiful nothingness about that. Not that I'm a spiritual loony or anything like that.

    Anyways, sorry if that seems like quite a dense read, and I understand/appreciate that very few people may read or respond but it has felt good to get some of my thoughts out of my head. Thanks.

    Lucas
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you decided to share with us...and I am sure there are many ppl here who understand what you are going through...you are right, it is very difficult to get ppl to understand...for many reasons...I think ppl fear that if we talk about things, they become more advanced...for them, though, it becomes 'real' and scary...please keep posting as you can so you can see you are not alone...thanks for sharing,again...J
     
  3. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hi :) you sound like a very clever guy. Basically if im reading this right ur saying that there is no point to anything in this world and you have all these good things going for you that you cant gain any pleasure from right? You have answerd your own question really. You are depressed and as long as you are depressed you will think and feel the way you do now. There is always hope that with treatment you will feel much better , lighthearted and feel real happiness again where you can laugh for laughings sake without that hole inside you. It just goes to show that depression doesnt care for age or gender or class or environment or upbringing. I really hope you feel better soon XXXXXXXXXX
     
  4. freddie

    freddie Well-Known Member

    Hi Lucas
    I can relate loads to your post.
    I'm 20, not currently studying and only working part time at the moment.
    I come from a decent background, extremely supportive parents, never really struggled with money etc.
    Succeeded very well throughout school and am highly talented in art, clothing design, photography, writing etc. Not bragging but I'm just trying to sum up to what you said.
    I'm chatty, really social.
    I have anxiety (not social) which at times can be pretty severe, and mood swings and low mood etc. Haven't been diagnosed thoroughly yet as I don't think my therapist knows what goes on with me quite yet haha.
    Relationships are on and off, I have a lad now I've been with for about 6 months blah blah
    Starting to ramble.
    Anyway yeh, my parents I don't think take what goes on with me all that seriously as they seem to think that I have it all laid out for me, as do my mates and stuff.
    It's quite hard when you don't on paper have any real issues, it's quite hard for people to understand. I dunno.
    I haven't attempted as such yet, I had a near miss a few months back with a self harm slip up but blah blah.
    Anyway. Just thought I'd introduce and say hi.
    I feel like I'm kind of in the same boat, I dunno.
    Hope you're keeping well.
    Freddie.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad writing your thoughts out helped you some I hope with meds and therapy you will have a different outlook on living h ugs to you
     
  6. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Sounds liek you feel unfufilled by life, and as an intellegent person it can be understandable.

    In a ironic maybe cliché observation, but, you say your missing something but yet you've hit all the boxes so far in life, (money family jobs girlfriends) but, have you loved any of the women you've been in relationships with?

    Love for your family and friends is different from a relationship/partnership.
    But I'm going to follow this by saying, love isnt the answer to everything or the sollution to everything, just an observation from what you have said in this thread.

    Other than that, you may need a challenge and a drive in life, somethign to be passionate about and push you. just for teh hell of it.

    Dunno could be talking shite. Either way, happy your still here and if you need anything. you know where I/we are.
     
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I can definately relate to how you are feeling. I have had some past issues in my life but now I have everything. I have had a good upbringing, fantastic parents, a gorgeous fiance, doing well at uni, fab friends and I have my wedding to look forward to. I cannot quite work out why I feel like this when so many people would do anything to have my wonderful life. Am I ungrateful? Is something in my head wired wrong? I dont know. I am on meds and going to be having therapy soon. But you are not alone in how you feel. It is more common in university students than you think.
     
  8. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    shadowgirl is right. depression doesnt discriminate, hope therapy and meds helps balance you out a bit. depression steals a part of you and you dont see things in the same way and life becomes a bigger battle.

    at 21 you have lots of time to find that "missing link" the trick is learning to search for it no matter how long it takes. dont feel bad for feeling as you do and i dont think its arrogance to want "more". hang on in :troll:
     
  9. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Welcome back to the forum, Lucas. I can definitely see how all those Philosophy classes have tampered with your thinking, but I have to say that I agree. I used to think in much the same way in regards to life and death when I was younger and found it very frustrating when the people around me couldn't grasp what I was trying to say. What's the point in striving and struggling through a life that none of us asked for? We're all going to die at some point anyway and everything we've achieved and been through will disintergrate into nothing.

    When you talk about the things you have in life it almost seems like you're reeling off a shopping list; like these things have no real in-depth meaning in your life because at the end of they day, in the grand scheme of things, they don't really matter or make all that much of a difference.

    I don't claim to know what it is you feel as though you're missing in your life, and I'm aware I've probably provided very little help here, but I mostly wanted to say that I can relate to how you're feeling, even if just a little bit.
     
  10. notmyyear

    notmyyear Member

    Hi Lucas, I'm also 21 and in a very similar situation. I struggle with those feelings of there not being a point to it all. I guess I've been holding out for a while trying to find something to live for. I've found most people's response when I ask them to be kind of insincere (i.e. living to your full potential as a human) and they don't actually live like that. I kind of like the idea of the world being ours to explore for a short period of time, and we can do with it what we like. Although, it's not the best motivator for getting through hard times.

    Just thought I'd let you know you're not the only one to think about these things. :smile:
     
  11. emoprincess

    emoprincess Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing. Sometimes depression can be caused by life experiences, but mre often than not, it's chemistry. People affected by 'depression' in terms of the disease don't have to have an obvious reason for being depressed. Other than my parent's divorce, I can't think of anything that would make me feel that down, it's just my biology.

    I do hope you feel better soon, I'm off to uni in September, and I have to admit i'm pretty scared about what people might think about my illness. But the uni team itself seems very supportive, like I imagine Oxford will be.
     
  12. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It's one of the baffling aspects of depression. Feeling like something is missing in life, feeling like a fifth wheel among others and such.

    Perhaps the upcoming treatment you'll be receiving will give you relief. Even with the feelings that come with depression it's good to recognize it as an illness and not as a fault. Depression can be domineering for some but even so there are many things in life that you will enjoy in the future and you don't want to miss those.

    Please post here when you need to. One of the most helpful things is knowing you're not alone.
     
  13. litehouse

    litehouse Member

    Hi Lucas,
    This response is a while after you've posted this, but I can't help but saying feel like I relate to it. In some strange way it seems familar.
    litehouse
     
  14. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Lucas,

    Your story is complicated, as you pointed out. On paper you have things lined up pretty well. Then the question of "The meaning of it all" enters, and you can pretty well throw the paper out.

    In my own experience, when I first began dealing with severe depression, I kind of had to curl up in the fetal position and regroup for a while. I was lucky enough at the time to have a safe place to crash. Slowly, I was able to sort things out enough to climb out of bed and start taking on the day again.

    I've found myself at the bottom again, some 20 years later - after many ups and downs, and I don't have the safe place anymore - at least not one that I can envision.

    I remember back to when the world came down on me, and I was able to somehow focus on what was necessary and ignore all that wasn't.

    I know that is very hard, as I'm trying to come through the situation again, everything seems important. A guy at work told me something like, make a fist and stick it in a bucket of water. The water gives way and makes room for your fist. Now pull it out, and the water fills back in around the space once occupied by your fist. If you can't do everything, the world will fill in around the things you can't accomplish.

    As for the meaning of it all, I don't know. I know I love an ice cream on a hot summer day, and a hot cafe latte on a cool morning. A juicy cheeseburger, and a garden fresh salad. Going for a long run on a quiet morning. Little things. That might be the meaning of it all.
     
  15. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    I think you're existentially depressed. For some reason :rolleyes: it seems obvious to me that you probably already know that. Meds might numb your negative feelings a bit, but if we're talking existential depression, it's a much more intellectual rather than psychosocial root cause and is thus much tougher to uproot. Personally, Ativan has helped me stem the tension at times, and herbs like Kratom have given me some energy and motivation. I've been suffering from massive existential depression for the last five years (slowly building) which took a turn for the worse when I realized, in a logical manner, that there was nothing on this planet in this time that could truly make me happy. This fortunately does not seem to be your case since you don't seem to have given up yet. Previously to the existential crap, I was clinically depressed for about 4-5 years and that made it bite that much harder.


    I'll explain a bit...this stemmed partially from nihilism and too much abstract/philosophical/intellectual advancement....which came from endless and very obsessive deep thinking and long conversations with a person very similar to myself in understanding things. And I ran from my pain by driving myself deeper and deeper into nihilism/existentialism, which drove my perspective and needs so high that nothing in this world would satisfy any more. I now feel literally like an alien who belongs in a different being's body with a much larger and more resilient brain, or at the very least a human who belongs in a distant future society. Like spacemen from the year 2750 dumped me in some world that I don't belong in, and that my body (including the brain) is collapsing before my mind is ready to give in. Obviously I'm not delusional and don't literally believe that, but it doesn't change the fact that such feelings are very present. Drugs (softer ones) and distractions became the only way to survive. So it may sound strange, but its actually possible to overdo the thinking. Either way, I'd avoid nihilistic beliefs and excessive thinking in general because if you're anything like me (you sound extroverted but unsatisfied with whats available in socialization, very similar to me) they will hurt and at some point won't be escapable.

    Most people that have this 'existential depression' are intelligent and introverted, which is much easier because they can withdraw from the world and keep to themselves without having that burning for socialization that results when an outgoing, social person is forced to withdraw out of disgust with the quality of interaction/relationships available. Your best bet is to find what you really actually want out of life...and its possible that you were originally depressed but transitioned into existential depression when processing it intellectually enough (this happened to me in a way but perhaps somewhat differently). That's not easy though, and there may not even be a solution. Finding people like yourself is another must, but is very difficult. But it's mandatory, because if you're social like myself with no desirable social contact, it will hurt. Read some of my posts, if you will. You may find them interesting and may see some of yourself in them. I guess the point of all this shit, as crazy as it sounds is that you have to walk the fine line between figuring your shit out and going so deep into introspection that you fall into the abyss. I didn't walk the line properly, which should be clear by now. I could also chat with you over messenger....I'm always looking for some contact myself, though I'm way off the deep end by now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2011
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