Hi everyone,
My name is Lucas and I've actually been a member here for quite some time now. I use the term member loosely, as I have spent my time mostly in a passive way, reading other people's experiences and posts. I am a 21 year old studying Philosophy and Theology at Oxford University in the UK and would say I've led a good life.
Just over two weeks ago I took an overdose. It was a Friday and I had spent the day doing some uni work, and had gone for dinner with some friends before going home to chill out as I had a busy weekend ahead. When i got home, I made myself a glass of ginger ale, sat on my sofa and xxxxxx. I was found by my housemate passed out who after managing to rouse me somewhat, managed to gauge what I had done and called an ambulance. I was taken to hospital for the weekend where I was given ipecac syrup and charcoal, before being monitored closely by nurses. I returned home on Monday after some conversations with doctors and psychiatrists.
Since then I have had to tell my parents about my depression, which I have suffered with, in my opinion, for at least 6 years. I also had to have and set up more appointments with counsellors, which I have always been very skeptical about. Anyway, its been a time of a lot of change in my life and I've been struggling to make those around me understand exactly how I'm feeling, so like many people with the internet, I've decided to thrust it on the internet in some hope of response, or likeminded individual to have discussion with or whatever.
As I said earlier, I look at my life thus far, objectively at least, and it seems to have the makings of being very good. I don't consider myself disadvantaged in any way - I think I'm attractive, I am intelligent and have done well academically, with good and exciting job offers rearing their head, I've had girlfriends and one night stands, have several very very good friends and am very close to all of my family. I look at my life and on paper it seems fine. So when I say this to the psychiatrist I always preface this next point by saying it seems arrogant - why isn't there more? And I don't mean more as in a better life or more money, or more girlfriends, or closer friends I just mean more in a very vague sense. I don't want more drama or happiness or sadness or anger, I want it to mean more. I don't mean that i want to be significant, or for my actions to have further reaching repercussions than they already do, its just there seems to be a fundamental "something" which I can't quite place but isn't there. This leads on to my second point about life which is to say its boring. Not boring in the sense that nothing exciting happens or I don't enjoy things, just that it doesn't seem to be culminating in anything. Though again, it's not that I feel I'm owed anything special or that I deserve to do great things of be a great man, its just that the whole charade of existence on this ridiculous planet seems to be utterly meaningless on an individual level in the short term, and in the long term, collectively. My father and my psychiatrist said that unfortunately that's life and everyone has to do it - I ask "Why must everyone?" People say suicide is selfish but it seems very selfish to me to have a couple decide to hurl you headfirst into this world and then expect you to enjoy it and life and everything it is. Of course I am grateful, it just seems to me that most people don't give mind to the fact that you don't exist for a far longer time than you do and there is a beautiful nothingness about that. Not that I'm a spiritual loony or anything like that.
Anyways, sorry if that seems like quite a dense read, and I understand/appreciate that very few people may read or respond but it has felt good to get some of my thoughts out of my head. Thanks.
Lucas
My name is Lucas and I've actually been a member here for quite some time now. I use the term member loosely, as I have spent my time mostly in a passive way, reading other people's experiences and posts. I am a 21 year old studying Philosophy and Theology at Oxford University in the UK and would say I've led a good life.
Just over two weeks ago I took an overdose. It was a Friday and I had spent the day doing some uni work, and had gone for dinner with some friends before going home to chill out as I had a busy weekend ahead. When i got home, I made myself a glass of ginger ale, sat on my sofa and xxxxxx. I was found by my housemate passed out who after managing to rouse me somewhat, managed to gauge what I had done and called an ambulance. I was taken to hospital for the weekend where I was given ipecac syrup and charcoal, before being monitored closely by nurses. I returned home on Monday after some conversations with doctors and psychiatrists.
Since then I have had to tell my parents about my depression, which I have suffered with, in my opinion, for at least 6 years. I also had to have and set up more appointments with counsellors, which I have always been very skeptical about. Anyway, its been a time of a lot of change in my life and I've been struggling to make those around me understand exactly how I'm feeling, so like many people with the internet, I've decided to thrust it on the internet in some hope of response, or likeminded individual to have discussion with or whatever.
As I said earlier, I look at my life thus far, objectively at least, and it seems to have the makings of being very good. I don't consider myself disadvantaged in any way - I think I'm attractive, I am intelligent and have done well academically, with good and exciting job offers rearing their head, I've had girlfriends and one night stands, have several very very good friends and am very close to all of my family. I look at my life and on paper it seems fine. So when I say this to the psychiatrist I always preface this next point by saying it seems arrogant - why isn't there more? And I don't mean more as in a better life or more money, or more girlfriends, or closer friends I just mean more in a very vague sense. I don't want more drama or happiness or sadness or anger, I want it to mean more. I don't mean that i want to be significant, or for my actions to have further reaching repercussions than they already do, its just there seems to be a fundamental "something" which I can't quite place but isn't there. This leads on to my second point about life which is to say its boring. Not boring in the sense that nothing exciting happens or I don't enjoy things, just that it doesn't seem to be culminating in anything. Though again, it's not that I feel I'm owed anything special or that I deserve to do great things of be a great man, its just that the whole charade of existence on this ridiculous planet seems to be utterly meaningless on an individual level in the short term, and in the long term, collectively. My father and my psychiatrist said that unfortunately that's life and everyone has to do it - I ask "Why must everyone?" People say suicide is selfish but it seems very selfish to me to have a couple decide to hurl you headfirst into this world and then expect you to enjoy it and life and everything it is. Of course I am grateful, it just seems to me that most people don't give mind to the fact that you don't exist for a far longer time than you do and there is a beautiful nothingness about that. Not that I'm a spiritual loony or anything like that.
Anyways, sorry if that seems like quite a dense read, and I understand/appreciate that very few people may read or respond but it has felt good to get some of my thoughts out of my head. Thanks.
Lucas
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