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Old Soul

#1
I've gone most of my post childhood life(from about 12 years old onward) feeling like I was born in the wrong time. In my teen/early twenties years, I especially was very angry about this that I was 'denied' all the things I felt I needed, things my parents and others had that I knew I was never going to achieve. Now over the years, at 35 years old I have matured and had my 'world window' expanded as I've lived and learned, and though I still feel this partially I now believe there are no mistakes. I was meant to be here, in this time, in this place, in these circumstances whether I like it or not. I see(or have been shown) a purpose for my existence in these times, however the price over time has been paid, and still takes it's toll to this day.

You see, when I was 18 years old I already felt like I was 40. I hated high school, and I hated everything current that the other kids my age were into at the time. I wanted to 'go back' in other words, because I felt a higher value in it. This led to tons of isolation, ridicule, etc and has continued to now, and probably will my whole life. It was also a huge downer when I used to go to depression suicide groups and NOBODY else could relate to what I was saying. I've felt 'held back', like I don't belong here or I should be in the advanced class or something, and that got/gets so bad it leads to suicidal thoughts, because you feel like an outcast among outcasts. I don't want to sound narcissistic or give you the wrong idea, but to give an example is people my age now are dealing with things that I feel I've already dealt with like 15 or 20 years ago; I want to move on in other words, I'm tired of that 'held back' feeling like I'm running and everyone else is walking a slow pace, yet I'm continually denied or can't find the next level. Do you know what I mean, does that make sense to any of you? Boy I sure hope that doesn't turn some of you the wrong way with me, I actually value humbleness very much and I try to avoid pride when I can.

At this point in my life, see, I know who I am, and that took a mountain of pain and hardship to achieve. I feel SO good to say that, as many pass through life I think without really ever finding self worth or 'who they are' if that makes sense. But it's getting old, I want to move on. I feel like I'm just slowly rotting and want to leave, but I don't want to achieve that by suicide. Now, the world may want suicide for me but at this point when I'm strong enough I usually say, "No, up yours. I've already gone the suicide route and didn't like it very much. And if I'm going to leave this world, then it's going to be by the same force that brought me into it in the first place." Unfortunately this has also led to feeling isolated on this website also from time to time, and that stinks because it causes more depression from something(or someone) you don't expect it to. BUT, like I said I'm also at a maturity level that I think many people on this site may feel that from time to time also, with so many different kinds of people and backgrounds to share from. I know I've certainly caused others to feel low or angered from things I've said unintentionally, so how can I not expect the same thing from time to time from others as well? The difference is, is to know there are no enemies here(that I know of anyway lol) and never take anything that personal. I had to learn that lesson, and yes I'm still learning it... I guess my question(s) is anyone relate? Comments, concerns? I'm now out of breath, and thank you for reading
 
#2
I think the element of wanting to live in an earlier time is something that a lot of people feel. I think maybe I'd be happier living in an earlier time too, or at least if the present had some of the good elements of the past.

I think studies have shown a general decline in happiness in the US. Maybe that's true for other places too.

I guess people also have some ups and downs on SF. Do you feel like saying more about that?
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
first of all there is nothing wrong with having a little pride in what you've done and accomplished. i understand a little about what you're saying although i never had that problem myself. and living is the best way to move forward to whatever you want. it sounds like you don't exactly know what you want to move to you just don't want to be stuck in a rut.

and keep talking because we are listening to you, i'm listening. nothing you said is going to upset anyone . and you don't have to fit in to anyplace on this site, just be yourself and talk through your heart. i hope you feel better about things...mike...*hug*brohug
 
#4
I think the element of wanting to live in an earlier time is something that a lot of people feel. I think maybe I'd be happier living in an earlier time too, or at least if the present had some of the good elements of the past.

I think studies have shown a general decline in happiness in the US. Maybe that's true for other places too.

I guess people also have some ups and downs on SF. Do you feel like saying more about that?
Thanks May. I'm a little confused about the 'up and down' question... If you are referring to what drove me to post this, it's because I read something that reminded me of something I'm not a part of, that I will never be a part of, that I do not want to be a part of, yet was ridiculed much in my life for not being 'in the click' I guess you could say. It was just a little trigger I guess, that's all, and completely not the person's fault who said it.

I guess an example I would use is I don't have a smart phone, because I don't want or need a smart phone, yet many others look at me like I'm a caveman or something just because I don't... Does that make sense? Also, I want it to be known that some of the things I referenced in this post was not about people on this site. It was more about people who don't deal, that would never come to this site or have a reason too kind of thing.
 
#5
first of all there is nothing wrong with having a little pride in what you've done and accomplished. i understand a little about what you're saying although i never had that problem myself. and living is the best way to move forward to whatever you want. it sounds like you don't exactly know what you want to move to you just don't want to be stuck in a rut.

and keep talking because we are listening to you, i'm listening. nothing you said is going to upset anyone . and you don't have to fit in to anyplace on this site, just be yourself and talk through your heart. i hope you feel better about things...mike...*hug*brohug
Thanks Mike, you are very nice. Oh, I do have some pride in what I've accomplished... I just find pride to be a slippery slope sometimes with too much, that's all. All I can say about the 'what I want' thing is I'm looking for things that are not part of this world, things I don't think can exist in this world anyway... I can assure you, I know what I want at this point of my life. Or should I say, what I don't want... Hopefully that make some sense to someone, and thanks again
 

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