I suppose that this is not your usual litany of unhappiness. I am approaching age 58, my third marriage appears to be unraveling with all the emotional downdraft that goes with that. This is a 6 year relationship following the death of my 2nd wife from a long illness, and the disintegration of my first marriage 15 years before that due to severe mental illness in that partner. I think that I have been disabused of most of my illusions about life and love, and I am not without some advantages. I am debt free and earn a good living doing something that I mostly enjoy. Although my relationship with my 36 year old daughter is prickly at best, and she mostly shuts me out of the life of my three grandchildren for reasons even she can't or won't articulate, I do have a good, if limited relationship with my 28 year old son (he is diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder). I am not saddled with any addictions, other than liking food far too much, and now that I am diabetic, that is no longer an issue unless I want body parts to start falling off. There goes the last reliable source of pleasure in my life. At any rate ... I am only about 25 lbs overweight, and I hit the gym 3x a week. I detest the experience but I am nothing if not disciplined. Been doing it for almost a year now, so it's priced in, like everything else. So ... I exercise and I am gainfully employed and have no major issues with my employment other than that it's challenging to execute on knowledge work in my current emotional climate. Not doing my best work these days. I am not particularly distraught, more numb. I have always regarded life as way more effortful than it's worth -- it's been "meh" on most relatively good days and downright painful on a bad day. I have always objected to the flaky connection between effort and outcomes. This is getting harder to rationalize as I age. My faith went out the window a good decade ago; I'm a former evangelical Christian, and I was active and committed. The protracted suffering and death of my 2nd wife disabused me of that particular illusion, and now that I'm well clear of the particular reality-distortion field that is religion, I have far better reasons to stay clear of it than that it doesn't live up to its own promises. I am no longer able to believe in gods of any kind, it is not a question of desire or choice. Some things, once seen can't be unseen; some things once experienced, can't be un-experienced. There is no going back to that madness for me. Way too much cognitive dissonance. In short ... lots and lots of loss to process. It has come to define me, it seems. So ... as a purely pragmatic consideration, selfishly speaking, I really don't feel I want to continue to subject myself to an unasked-for existence that consistently does not meet my existential needs, despite massive lowering of my expectations over the years, to the point where I don't think there's any more room to lower them. In the beginning, my expectations were unrealistic; now they are merely non-existent. I probably won't act on this, because I am loyal and devoted to a fault, and if for no other reason than that I don't want to abandon my son, who needs me and knows he needs me. I have to get him squared away, in a life that's as viable as he's able to be, and surround him with some sort of infrastructure for what he's not able to be. I owe him that. I foisted existence on him unasked, too. Unfortunately untangling myself from my marriage will make that harder, more costly, and more time consuming to accomplish. But I must right the wrong as best I can. Not just the standard-issue hubris of bringing a child into the generally lousy value proposition that life is generically, but giving him less than a fair shot at happiness through my choice in who bore my children. I hasten to say that I don't have any significant regrets; just a lot of disappointment. I always was true to the light I had at any given point in time. I have nothing to be ashamed of. Shame and self-loathing are not patterns for me. But disappointment -- in myself, in people I trusted and depended on and devoted myself to ... yep, in spades. Relationally speaking I'm applying a "three strikes and you're out" rule. I have a touch of Asperger's, enough that I find intimate relationships confusing and baffling far too often, and anyone who is age appropriate for me is going to come as a package deal with their own drama, hot buttons, hangups, children, and at my age, grandchildren. I regarded my current relationship as my last hurrah and I intend to hold fast to that. Any woman worth knowing deserves 110% effort from me, and I simply don't have it in me anymore. My wives have, each in their own way, used me up. Ironically I joined this forum years ago, after my 2nd wife's dissolution. In some ways this is a harder time for me, as the death of my 2nd marriage wasn't my fault, and her death was a mercy by the time it happened anyway. This is going to be a standard-issue divorce with all the usual recriminations and hurtfulness ... my first wife was unable to savage me from the looney bin and my 2nd wife was in the grave; I'm finally going to find out about what Robin Williams aptly characterized as "a woman ripping out a man's testicles through his wallet". I an dubious about my ability to weather that, though I will try. In all frankness on any given internet forum I tend to find a lot of youthful angst and hand-wringing, and nowhere is that truer than on a suicide forum, I'll warrant. I guess what I am asking for is anyone over the age of 40 or so who has overcome similar challenges and might care to share whatever insight or thoughts they have. Preferably an agnostic, atheist or at least a liberal theist who doesn't feel the need to proselytize or otherwise insult my intelligence.