so i've been purposely trying to drink myself to the black out stage. i'm drunk as fuck right now, and i... don't know why. i'm miserable, and i don't know why. i have a family that loves me. sure, i pay my brother rent every week to live in his shitty camper, i pay other various bills, i've moved on from my addiction to painkillers where i didn't pay bills at all because basically i couldn't afford it, but i still don't know why i'm so miserable. it's like... i don't have the energy to better myself. yes, i pay bills, but everyone still seems to want more. as soon as you start giving them more post-addiction, they want even more. i just don't have the energy. i'm so miserable. and i'm too lazy to try to make it better. i don't have energy to even try to make any of this better. what does that make me? i'm sure it makes me a horrible person. i got addicted to painkillers when i was fifteen, and i'm twenty now, and i've turned to alcohol after kicking the painkiller addiction, which wasn't smart, but i don't even like alcohol that much. i don't know how to exist without an addiction. i grew up with one. i feel like i'm broken, like there's something wrong with me. i know i'm predisposed, as this sort of thing is in my genes, but i wish i could just defeat my genes. but i can't. i can't even blame it on genes. yes, i'm poor. i grew up in a poor family. but some people don't even have a family. i'm lucky to have a family. they have always been there for me - even when their pressure is too much, they still *care*, and i still *know* that, which is more than i can say for some people. but i'm still so miserable. is it just depression? no antidepressant has helped yet - i've tried antipscyhotics, when i thought i was a paranoid schizophrenic, and various antidepressants, etc. etc. i just don't know what to do anymore. my life serves no purpose other than keeping my family happy that i'm still alive.