On Again, Off Again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soft Serve, Nov 6, 2011.

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  1. Soft Serve

    Soft Serve Well-Known Member

    I've been here before. On SF. Looking for people who felt like me. To talk to. Work out our problems together. I didn't feel as bad then as I do now.

    I already wrote my note. I already got all the draft "goodbye" messages lined up and saved and ready to send. I just... I don't know. And that's it. I just don't know. Anything. Everything feels so small and insignificant like nothing matters or ever will.

    I never felt so real like I do now. Like I do knowing I'm ready to go. And just face it.
     
  2. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    I'm working on my note as well, somehow this comforts me.

    Unfortunately I'm at the position in which I need a certain level of luck and "providence" working in my life so things can improve.

    As scary as it is, it's a fact that so much of our lives is just beyond our control and are due to randomness. Some people get good cards, some people get bad ones.

    I've been giving my best for a few years, but I remain unsuccessful professionally (despite all the best efforts), largely friendless and now without any prospects of finding a loving partner.

    Still, my advice is to go as rationally as responsabily about it as possible.

    If you have kids or someone depends on you financially, then suicide it's not an option, in my opinion.
     
  3. Soft Serve

    Soft Serve Well-Known Member

    I just want a glimpse of something in my future that would be worth everything. Worth all of this. But I don't see any signs. At least not any good ones.
     
  4. NQ1340

    NQ1340 Member

    151 posts is a long way to go.

    I don't think I can reach that

    You did alive and well. Maybe you want to do more ?
     
  5. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how that feels and honestly it was hurting me to think that way. It puts too much focus on things you don't have so everything seems more hopeless. Almost anything can be possible in life really, usually it's just ourselves that stand in the way. Have you tried making a list of the things you have which you enjoy and are good? A simple tool also that can be surprisingly effective is that you write down 3 things each night that were good that day. It's really hard at first (don't worry, it can be just little things) but gets easier the more you do it. It's simply a way to try and program more positive things to your thought pattern. I truly believe that when you're in the right mindset magic can happen. Wish you well. :hug:
     
  6. Soft Serve

    Soft Serve Well-Known Member

    That's what I mean by On Again, Off Again. I've been here before. SF was my home for a few months a while back. Even after my problems were solved I stayed to try and give back and help others who needed it. I just drifted away though I guess and found myself relatively happy...But that's all over.

    It's not things I don't have so much as it is "What do I do when I have them?"

    I don't see a point anymore. Just nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me enjoy myself. I found myself describing my best friend as a "guy I kinda know" and I'm essentially a homeless drifter who lucked out and found some very caring people to house me while I "bounce back".

    To be honest there's nothing to bounce back from. This is just me. Perpetual failure. A fucking joke. The epitome of every single stereotype ever associated with a dirty, poor, good for nothing, American shit.

    I don't even feel like I'm being hard on myself. I feel like I'm being fair to everyone else by not pretending that I'm anything better than this.
     
  7. Soft Serve

    Soft Serve Well-Known Member

    HELL I just noticed my fucking signature. That's still there from when I left SF the first time. I found freedom. I can go anywhere, sleep anywhere, be anywhere. What do I do with my freedom? Sit in my room by myself all night and sulk around the internet talking about how shitty I am.

    And that's all I think about. All day. How bad I am at whatever I'm doing. Maybe this is all just a self-esteem issue, but I've always been like this. Maybe now I'm just being critical enough to finally listen to myself when I think. Maybe now I can finally do something about it. Maybe I can leave this world and the people in it will finally be free of my hindrance.
     
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