On an Edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ButterflyRose, Oct 6, 2010.

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  1. ButterflyRose

    ButterflyRose Member

    Hi I am new here. Actually I just joined a couple of min. ago. I probably should have introduced myself in the intro forum first. Its like I just walked into your house and sat down and started talking. I don't even know if I am posting in the right forum. I wouldn't be surprised if I am not. I have been screwing up a lot lately. I don't even know where to start. *Takes a deep breath* I am 22 and in college. sorta. I spent most of my life either being abused by my biological parents or being abused by my foster parents. (They took turns...I would go to my bio parents and then back to foster care and then back) Anyways I became this angry teenager who did drugs and cut and ran away from all of my foster homes until I was institutionalized and placed in a residential program for teens with "mental health problems" I went from one of these to another. I was given the diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder. After I turned 18 and was thrown onto the streets by the foster care system I had a couple rocky months but I started to get things together. I got my GED and a scholarship for college. My own place and took in my brother and sister and her son and my cousin who were all also in foster care. I started becoming an advocate for foster care youth in my community did several fundraisers and spoke at more events than I can count. I was in the news paper and on the radio. I still do all this stuff now. Right after I got my GED I also got certified to be a certified nursing assistant and started my first semester in college.

    Halfway through that semester my vision started getting blurry. I put it off. After my last final it was around 9pm I went to get on the scooter I had just purchased the week before to drive home when I realized I was have a trouble finding the key hole. I had even more trouble navigating my scooter out of the parking spot. I decided to leave it there and catch a cab and I made an appointment with the doctor.

    To sum up the last three years since then I was diagnosed with not one but two rare brain diseases one of which I was born with. I have also experience the single rarest complication of the disease which is blindness. I have horrible headaches every day and have never stopped and only gotten worse. I have had 10 operations and 15 lumbar punctures. I have spent more time in the hospital then out. There is supposedly not a pain medicine available for the type of pain this disease causes although my doctors have let me try any pain medicine I have wanted and none have worked. Two weeks ago my doctor told me I have about another month to two months before I lose all of my vision and it has been dramatically declining since then. Due to my hospital stays I have barely advanced in college and I only have one more semester on my scholarship.

    Lately I have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist once a month. My therapist told my psychiatrist that I was suicidal and he was worried about me. My psychiatrist asked if I was and as a reflex I said no. Then immediately said wait. I explained to him that because of the amount of pain I have been feeling lately I have been thinking about it alot.

    Here is some quick info on my psychiatrist. He has known me since I was nine years old. He also knows the only two times I have ever told anyone I was going to kill myself I followed through with it. Both times it was by miracle alone I survived which further shows what a failure I am. He knows that at this very moment it is taking every ounce of strength I have in my body to stay alive. The very last thing I want is for them to hospitalize me but I want them to at least acknowledge that I am at a point where I am even scaring myself.

    I have no one else to reach out to. I emailed my only friend and he told me to draw close to god and he will heal me. That was it. I reached out to my therapist and psychiatrist and I feel like I have been completely ignored. He said its understandable for me to feel that way. That's it. We had a conversation a couple years ago where we made an agreement that if I told him when I wanted to kill myself he wouldn't hospitalize me against my will because of some of the trauma I went through in the residential programs I was in. We both decided then that unless it was what I wanted to do it would do more harm than good to hospitalize me against my will. I don't want to go to the hospital. I have spent more than enough time there for medical reasons and that is one of the main reasons for why I am feeling the way I am.

    I just don't know what to do. I am scared to call that suicide hotline number because years ago I convinced myself that they just call the cops and use your phone number to find you.

    I just feel I have no where else to turn and I don't know what else to do. I don't even know what exactly I plan to accomplish by posting here but the nights are the worst and tonight is bad and I don't want to die. I really don't. I just feel like I do. Sorry for taking up your time
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    First, welcome to sf Rose and sorry you're here.

    You have been throught alot and the hardest challenge is yet to come. I can understand how distress you might feel. This is why you need to settle down, and let the emotions runs dry before you take any action.

    Keep posting Rose, and eventually someone will connect with you.

    Please hold on
  3. Alonewanderer

    Alonewanderer Active Member

    Butterflyrose, I just read up on a condition very similar to yours, I will search the internet and link you the news report to see if it's actually caused by spinal fluid build up in the brain, it affects your optic nerve first leading to sight malfunction. Be strong, you can beat this, nothing is ever impossible mon petite.



    I hope my post isn't deemed against ToS because I truly do wish to help but I did infact read up on this and your sight going haywire is an indication of this.

    As a stranger, I truly hope you beat this and continue your life pain free from the depths of my being.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2010
  4. ButterflyRose

    ButterflyRose Member

    Thanks I am trying to keep myself busy. I have been looking at some of the other stuff on the site here. I have been listening to music too. It's hard to not find music that isn't depressing on my computer.
  5. ButterflyRose

    ButterflyRose Member

    What I have is similar. The first thing is called Arnold Chiari Malformation. That's the one I was born with and that's what causes the most of the headaches.

    The one that caused the blindness is called psudeotumor cerebri and it is an over production of CSF fluid. They took to long to initially place a shunt and that is what caused the damage to the optic nerves but now I have two shunts. The first one is from my brain to my abdomen and the second is from my spine to the opposite side of my abdomen. They have done tests and say both shunts are working fine but I am still losing vision. I even went for a second opinion and got nowhere. I was told there was too much fluid on my brain for too long. It stinks when my doctors gave up hope before I did.
  6. Alonewanderer

    Alonewanderer Active Member

    Well your docs are full of shit, I'll see if I can get in contact with a doctor who thinks he can tackle this head on, this may take me some time but I will give an honest fulltime effort to help you. I'm not giving up and I hope you don't either, thank the deities for the internet but I'm feeling positive that I can find someone. (yes I am going to research and hopefully learn everything about the conditions you posted also.) I WILL DO EVERYTHING I CAN POSSIBLE TO HELP YOU LOCATE A DOCTOR THAT IS CONFIDENT IN HELPING YOUR SITUATION.
  7. ButterflyRose

    ButterflyRose Member

    really? you have never met me? you don't even know me? Don't take this the wrong way but my own mother doesn't even care that much about me. Which is a poor reference since my mother hates me but still...it's something that is difficult for me to understand.
  8. Alonewanderer

    Alonewanderer Active Member

    It can't hurt for me to try, I sit at work with my laptop all day, hopefully I'll be able to find someone who is skilled enough to do something. With a little cunning maybe I'll be able to pull strings and we can see what happens, haha I'm probably going to get rejected alot but there might be someone out there.

    why? quite simply, why not.
  9. ButterflyRose

    ButterflyRose Member

    Sorry I have waisted your time. I dont know I why thought this site or anyone at all could help me....I think I have finally figured it out some people are just meant to kill themselves everyone has to die some how right? I did my part I told my therapist I told my psychiatrist He asked and I told him yea I did....He knows I have a way I think he might even want me to he has known about my emergency stash of pills for years and his name is on at least half of the bottles the more I think about I think that might be it...i spent all last night trying to think of reasons to live and I only found one and that is the one i have been using to keep going but i just cant think of anything else I can find more reasons to die than to live life has proven its only going to get worse my head will only hut more each day my head will hurt more why is that alone not a good enough reason???
  10. Alonewanderer

    Alonewanderer Active Member

    I'm still here and I'm still working on finding a surgeon that is confident enough to handle this situation... hold on okay I found one in your state that's supposed to be one of the best in the nation. I'm going to email his group and see if they can do anything based on the information you have given me.
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