i've been depressed for probably over 15 years... which seems ridiculous because im only 25.... I used to cut myself on the regular but it was never really bad. But since I was 13 I have been writing suicide letters and wanting to die on a regular basis. It's so bad because my family knows that I'm depressed and they always tell me to get help, but i've completely lost faith and any trust I had in that. I had a good therapist but she kept telling me all these different things, and in the end i just had more excuses to why I don't care and why I do the self destructive things I do. I've never actually found anything to help it though. Even meds. Why I'm writing in this forum though is this: I will never forget this as long as I live. I cry on my own, I don't ask for help, and I don't like to be comforted. I hate bothering people and either pride or just a feeling of being on a burden on people has always stopped me from really crying in front of other people. But one night I just lost it, I was hysterical and I was just so... sad and depressed, and I'd lost all hope and I just went into my sisters room like that, and then she burst into tears and told me how afraid she was that I was going to kill myself. She was completely hysterical and couldn't stop crying. That was the worst thing I have ever seen of my sister. It was horrible seeing how much pain I was creating in her. That is the horrible effects of it. It hasn't stopped me from wishing for it or for slowly killing myself in the most destructive ways possible but it did make me realize that my depression has a horrible effect on other people. Since then though, i have acted happy even if I haven't been, so I don't know what's worse. Because neither one is really a good solution.