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on and off

I think about suicide a lot. It comes and goes. ATM feeling particularly bad. All the people in my personal life (my family over a decade ago and an ex gf) who I've told about my suicidal thoughts never really took it well. I've always been alone and I'm probably always going to be alone. Every time I take a chance and put myself out for people to see and think "maybe this time will be different" I am just proven wrong and disappointed like always. It is so tiresome. I'm like Charlie Brown trying to kick that football only for it to be pulled away and humiliated every single time.

I think I deserve it though. I'm not really a good person and I have no good qualities. I'm probably going to end up spending the holidays absolutely alone because I feel like I deserve it at this point. It'll be the first time I haven't been with my family for the holidays. I should feel guilty but I just feel apathetic. I just want to sleep and hope tomorrow never comes to rid me of this farcical life. If only I were so fortunate. Unfortunately, I'll go to bed, wake up, and probably feel better, thus setting myself up for the cycle of disappoint to continue anew. It will go on forever until I finally decide to put an end to it - be it I stop trying or, y'now, die.
Hi @reversal It sounds like you're in a lot of pain at the moment. You'll always have a place here to share your pain. Pain shared is pain lessened. We're here for you and will hopefully help with some of the loneliness you feel. You deserve a chance at a happier life and we are glad to have you here. *hug

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