on edge

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Apr 6, 2010.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    been having some problems ones that cause a lot of other problems...real life problems as well as dt ones....i am not liked anywhere anymore....I told a woman at the horse barn how i feel and what causes my episodes and saying things i dont remember later...i was being attacked verbally/mentally for several weeks, crying for hours on end with no one caring, no one to lend a shoulder to cry on...id have enough of the tears, pain and hiding behind a paper thin mask....this woman said she understood, but i kno she really didnt after i told her what i was she acted like it didnt matter like i hadnt opened my mouth, i thought it would stop them blaming me for things, things i didnt say or didnt remember saying (honestly i didnt say these things abuse etc but i got blamed anyways) yes it is true i am an "adult" but thats on the outside, on teh inside im a shattered child needing help and none of them are willing to look deep enough to see it. no one cares not my boyfriend who is now my X, not my best friend, not anyone and im sick of it....

    i thought ppl understood my episodes, understand that i say things i dont mean, that its teh pain talking but a few nites ago....certain ppl which i will not name went after me comparing me in what i felt and did, comparing me to other ppl....ppl have talked to me enough to kno i often say ill delete ppl unless i kno they care....i said id delete ppl unless they spoke up cuz i wanted to kno who didnt care wanted to kno who would get into my face about it.....i got teh reaction i wanted but i never thought it would be from someone important to me....that hurt in itself....

    when i hurt i hurt i hold it all inside and let it stay there till i have an episode and even then i hold it in....when i get angry enough, hurt enough, when i cry enough i hurt me any and every way possible and thats what happened....I have changed a lot i kno that...my mood has changed, my pain is in control every second of every day, that effing wall is built so high that i wont let anyone in and the ones who r inside already i feel very paranoid about....i kno i have changed i can feel it....i kno ppl are jerks i kno ppl are cruel sometimes....but now i have to make damn sure i dont become a jerk, a cruel thoughtless jerk.....a monster...but thats where my life is heading...i think of suicide and death, i have dreams about it, vivid ones ....all i want to do is scream and scream my head off, to beat the life outta something that cant fight back, to just destroy myself, destroy teh hate inside....i make myself sick just to look in the mirror....

    ppl in chat i dunno who is against me and who i can trust...

    as i write this the tears stream down my face, my hands shake in uncertainty, my mind races in 40 different directions, with only one thought sticking out....i should never been born, im a fat fuck that should never have been born
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you were hurt and hold such awful pain inside. I am glad you can let the tear flow as it does help. I don't think anyone meant to hurt you and i hope you can trust me enought to know i care i feel your sadness and pain and hope it goes away soon. come back and talk okay don't let a few chase yu away as there a lots of caring people here who care about you. Let the pain out okay and just know you are special and important don't let anyone say elsewise.:hugtackles::love: