My eyes are bloodshot from crying for 2 days, I have pain in my back & side(monthly problems) worthy of being kicked there with a football boot, it almost had me on the floor yesterday. I everytime I get the waves of pain it feels like I can't breathe. I felt sick most of the day too. I'm also having massive flashbacks to the supported living place which are litteraly like jumping into time portals and going back there. Everytime I go into a shop and walk past rows of things I could use to end this the temptation is getting stronger, it's like a parasite feeding off me. I beleive death to be nothing special, it's only a big deal for those left behind. If we do have a soul and it does move on to another plain of existance after our body dies, then I'm pretty sure mine would be 100% better off not having a body. People bang on about how suicide is selfish, but isn't it just as selfish to be a leech off others and make them watch you writhe about as pain rips through your abdomen or be awake all night doubled up on the floor in the fetal position trying to muffle my screams with a pillow? Thats selfish. Having a menstrual cycle has made me a very needy, weak person. I can't do half the stuff I used to and I feel like a decrepid old person, I'm only 22 and I'm saying that. I feel old, worn out and old. I feel like I should be sitting round the fireplace telling stories about my life because I don't really have any more chapters left to tell. Every month kicks me down that little bit more. Not many people know what it means to wake up and the first thing you do is burst into tears because you woke up. Well, as another session of pain is on the way I'm going to leave it at that and try and get through my day second by second, because seconds are the only time span I can trust right now.