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On My Mind

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by caspen81, Jul 19, 2010.

  1. caspen81

    caspen81 Member

    I don't know where else to post this. I don't know who else I can or even want to tell. (Sometimes I think we do better when we tell no one what we're feeling -- and that the rewards are greater the harder it is to keep those feelings to ourselves)

    The long and short of it is that while I love my partner, and he's the only man I want to spend my life with, I have a habit of getting emotionally wrapped up in other men, and it has happened again. A friend of ours, N, a young man who has politely and definitely made it clear that he is not an option to me under any circumstances, he is the inception and sometimes the whole population of 70 to 80 percent of my thoughts. I could work really hard, I suppose, to blot him out, but I don't really want to, and in the meantime, he's just there, and everything reminds me of him and on almost everything I think, "What would N think of that?"

    I don't often fantasize about N sexually. To tell the truth, I seriously doubt I could keep up with him, or even know what I was doing with him. Instead, I just imagine learning from him and growing in the process of trying to please him. My most recent, most moving fantasy of him to date was simply lying beside him naked in bed, he resting on my arm, or me with my arm draped across him, chatting about absolutely nothing, just to bask in each other.

    Even in my imagination, it isn't for a lifetime. We could never last as a couple. But in my fantasies at least I can suppose a powerful, months-long affair.

    Apparently I'm not nearly the only person affected by N in this way -- I don't understand why it isn't a more widespread phenomenon. I feel like if you knew him, you would have to understand.

    So, I recognize this is all fleeting. The fantasy is wildly improbable, and in any case I have my man, the life that I want. So whatever else these feelings are or are about, they will not last forever. In the meantime, talking about it out there, in the RW, just seems like it would get in the way. N is a friend of mine but he is emotionally much closer to and he actually looks up to, respects, admires my boyfriend in a way ... well, in a way anyway that he does not me. And my partner has already heard about it from me, off and on, for quite some time -- as have a few of my friends. I neither look forward to the time when these feelings or gone, nor do I dread it (very much). It's simply a thing that will be.

    I just feel like I have to record this thing before it goes -- tell someone who isn't going to be put out just because he's still there.
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I think it's good that you have these dreams, if you wanna call them that :tongue:. I know I think of some guys from school like that. I know nothing would ever happen between me and 'him' but I guess it's good to dream. Because when we stop dreaming, that's when we're truly dead.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    That sounds pretty hard hun. I am not sure what I can say other than that. I hope this rant eased your heart a bit.