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on my own

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by teri0407, Aug 9, 2008.

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  1. teri0407

    teri0407 Member

    my husband and i have been having problems for a long time... maybe in years not so long, but compared to the amount of time we've been together it feels like it. I have two suicide attempts. One when I was 12, 6 months after a stranger rape. The last one about 4 years ago... I opened up a lot of my heart when I met my husband, and now those feelings are being used against me. When he looks at me, it is without respect or love. Without going into my whole story, my question is this... Can I heal without solid support from him? Is this a healthy place to be?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun whether you heal with or without his support is entirely up to you. But you're not alone, you have a wonderful community available to you of caring and supportive people right here. Even just being able to express your feelings, pains and fears here anonymously can be so helpful for yourself. Keep posting and let others help you when it feels like no one else is or can. Good luck and be safe.
  3. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    No. Unless you are willing to be the "victim" personality again and again....

    have you confronted him about his behavior and how you FEEL about it?
  4. teri0407

    teri0407 Member

    No, I don't want to be the victim. I want to heal, and I am seeing a counselor who is helping me with that. He told me today that he believes I am acting in co-dependent ways when it comes to my husband. I looked for someone to care about me and now that things are turned upside down and I am working on "me," I am fighting with myself over what I need and what I want. It sucks to feel this way, but I have to take stock and face the facts... It is time to work on healing and not longing for something or someone to care for me. I don't feel better, but it is really nice knowing that there are people on here who truly want to help. THANK YOU...:smile:
  5. teri0407

    teri0407 Member

    By the way... I have confronted him and he has told me that I make him react in negative ways. It can't be easy living with someone who feels bad and has had trouble working through things, but I can't believe (except on bad days) that I am responsible for his reactions.
  6. riddle

    riddle Member

    you are NEVER responsible for his reactions. he and only he alone is responsible. ask him for what you need, and he doesn't meet that, ask if it is because he can't or won't. if he wont, i would seriously consider getting out of that relationship. i would, however, recommend that you ask for what you need rather than what you want; that can be discussed later and negotiated.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Do not let your husband blame his actions on you. He needs to have respect for you and you for him if your relationship is going to work. You can find healing without his support, but you can't if he is part of the problem and he is still contributing to them. Is he willing to go to counseling to help resolve your marital issues? It sounds as if he needs a better understanding of what you have been through. He should never be allowed to use it against you in any way. A marriage takes a lot of hard work and it must be done from both sides. I am glad you are in counseling. It should help somewhat. Feel free to talk to us here anytime. You are more than welcome. :hug:
  8. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I think she meant that he will see you as the "victim" and that he is trying to project that on you. Not that you are actually playing a victim. I hope you can heal and work things out with him, I know relationships have their troubles and trying times, but if you are in a good one than you should try and work it out.
    Never stay in a marriage for the sake of being in a marraige or for your kids, it's only gonna hurt them in the long run. My parents....
    Well, they don't really love as in love like partners, they act like brother and sister would. It's painful and depressing....good luck with yours!
  9. teri0407

    teri0407 Member

    How I wish sometimes that one of you was actually here with me... to take a walk and simply talk. I am visiting my family in Mississippi right now, and my step mom has an advanced Alzheimer's... I wish I could do more to help, but I am doing what I can in the short time here. Watching my father and what he is going through every day makes me realize that I don't have even half of that love at home. I thought I was ready to be with someone when my husband and I started seeing each other. I had been alone for a long time and thought I was happy. But the counseling is making me realize that I want someone to care about me... the time here is sad, for many reasons, but I feel guilty, too, for thinking so much about my life when others are going through so much more.

    Reading this back... well, it sounds like it is going in many different directions... sorry.

    Bottom line, I wanted to be with someone, but I don't know how to trust people in a close relationship. Then I have the sexual abuse on top of family issues and that makes for a mixed up girl in a woman's body who can't function in this situation. HELP! I really don't know how to hold on, but I know that I have to do so...I used to smile so much and now I feel like (and sometimes do) crying all the time.:sad:
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