On my way to rock bottom

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HiddenMask, Jun 9, 2009.

  1. HiddenMask

    HiddenMask Member

    I have been trying to improve my life in the last 2 years but have failed miserably. I had a chance to change everything and forget about the past last September but I didn’t use this chance and I just made things worse for myself. I regret the decisions I have made in my life and I don’t like the person who I am today.

    I have no confidence at all now and I have trouble doing even the most basic of things. I can’t even walk into a shop and buy something that’s how bad my confidence is. I did struggle one day to leave my house and it took me over 10 minutes to just convince myself to open the door because I was scared of the outside world. Having such low confidence means I am more reliant on my parents and unable to do things myself. People my age are moving on and are becoming fully capable adults who now drive and are looking forward to becoming fully independent as they move on to further education away from home.

    I have pretty much failed all my exams this summer as I didn’t try at all and I’m not bright which is bad especially when I am doing weaker subjects. Few doors are open for me now in terms of getting a job and going to a good university. Those around me are doing very well in their studies in much more advanced subjects which is great for them but upsets me in a way as I am being left behind.

    I am also really lonely because I have very few friends which mean most of the time I am alone with nothing to do. I am not like normal people and I find it very difficult socialising and making friends which is very worrying for my future because the very few friends I have now will be gone next year and I will have nobody at all.

    So holidays for me are coming up soon and those around me are going to go on holiday or get a job or learn to drive and do something interesting and worthwhile. This summer all I am going to do is sit in my room isolated from the real world with the curtains closed both day and night. Sitting here thinking what might have been if I had done things differently.

    I don’t have a good future ahead of me in the short term and in the long term but I will survive getting weaker and weaker every day. I am the loser and failure who makes it possible for others to be the winners they are.
  2. NotSureAnymore

    NotSureAnymore Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain. I always had to have someone go with me when I went out. I hated leaving the comfort of my own sanity/insanity.

    -HUGE HUGS- xxxxxx
  3. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    I dont know what to say. I have felt that way before. I found some way to pull myself out. Good luck, PM me if you ever want to talk.
  4. HiddenMask

    HiddenMask Member

    Reading my post again and i am feeling the exact same way still. My prediction for my crap summer was correct and i am scared of what will happen in the future.

    I've not left the house even for a minute in the past 45 days now but i am thinking about going outside in a few days. I receive my exam results in 3 days but i might not check them for a few days since i'm sure i did terrible. The only thing i think has changed is my view of rock bottom because i think i can still go down further and i have no plans to try and pick my self up.
  5. HiddenMask

    HiddenMask Member

    58 days without leaving my house now. I look like a mess and i hate it when people who visit insist on talking to me. I will go outside tomorrow hopefuly if not then i give up.