On the brink

[Nicholas]

Had a shit few years. Godmother who basically replaced my father died age 40 from cancer, uncle died of cancer, grandad died of cancer, 2 cancer scares with my mother, who I've been taking care of since I was ten, she has clinical depression and social anxiety and from looking at my family history, I'm probably getting some form of cancer in later life too, probably an untreatable kind. Best friend killed himself, several others keep trying.
I've been depressed for a number of years, had a few suicide attempts previously, been trying to give up the SI for years, just can't. Cut deeper than I have before about an hour ago, my girlfriend, who has been my one solid base for years doesn't give a shit and she is more than likely dumping me tonight (trust me, this isn't an unfounded worry.). I can't deal with any more and it'll be a small miracle if I'm still breathing tomorrow.

tl;dr shit happened and I want to die more than ever.

Sorry for how pathetic that all is, didn't know where else to turn.

 

[total eclipse]

glad you are reaching out here venting the pain away. You did n't say if you have a doctor or not helping YOU get on some meds to help you with your depression and self harm What ever happens with gf the important thing to do is to get you stable and strong so you can cope okay Call crisis line now and get some help don't harm yourself anymore you don't deserve that okay. Your gf and mother would suffer so much if you leave so please call crisis line now or hospital and get some help hugs to you

 

[jxdama]

come to chat.

 

[Nicholas]

I would, but for some reason my crapper of a laptop won't load the chat.

Thank you total eclipse, partly thanks to you I've come down a bit now. I'm still completely lost as to what to do and feel depressed as hell, but I reckon I'm closer to still being alive tomorrow than I was when I posted... so yeah, thanks and sorry to take up any time or worry people.

 

[may71]

hey I'm sorry to hear that things are bad. sounds like life has been throwing and endless shit-storm at you.

I hope that there is a way that you can make it through.

 

[Sadeyes]

Just checking in to see how you are doing...please let us know...big hugs, J

 

[Nicholas]

Thanks for the caring guys.

I'll admit I'm not in the best of places, especially tonight. I've been swinging between downright suicidal and numb for the most part over the past few days and have engaged in some mild self harm, nothing important. Things with the girlfriend have improved as far as I know. So long as I don't get any more knocks I should be fine. In the mean time I keep hoping and looking at this adorable Pikachu. :sleepy:

If there's anything I can do to help repay your kindness, let me know.

 

[solutions]

Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. That's all you have to worry about.

I just want you to know, my best friend made a serious suicide attempt a few years ago. He never really got over it, and it still haunts him and keeps him from reaching his potential in life. The difference, of course, is that your best friend succeeded, and mine failed.

Keep in touch.

 

[Pécheur]

Hey there,

I hope you're feeling a little better than before. I have no idea where or who you are so I hope that some :hug: 's from a stranger will show you people care about you.

Chin up.

 

[Nicholas]

Hey guys.


I got dumped tonight. My self harm tally for the week went from 13 to somewhere around 44. And I very, very nearly killed myself. But I'm still here. I figured I have no chance of winning back the person I believe with all my heart to be my soulmate if I give up and die now, even if the chances are already near nil.

 

[doityourself]

Some things happen in life that are horrible, that puts us on our knees but then in the future we find out that it was for a reason, for the best.

Im hoping that this is one of those times for you, here if you ever want to talk.

 

[barto]

Hello, Nicholas.
I'm sorry you have to go through all this, but please don't harm yourself. There are people here to lend an ear and forums to vent your troubles in. My inbox is always open.
:hug:

 

[may71]

sorry that this happened. do you want to talk about the break up?

 

[Nicholas]

Not really sure what to say about it.


I'm really not coping too well though.

 

[may71]

could be that if you can get better you could patch things up with her. or maybe find someone else

sounds like you've been under so much stress that she can't deal anymore?

I hope that things can get better!