On the brink

I am a surviving suicide attempter.

I have been on meds for 5 years now. In my life of 40 years, I cannot even look at myself in the mirror to shave. I lost work, yet again, and my poor wife is living day by day waiting for us to be forclosed, loose our cars. I cannot provide for my family. That is fisrt and formost my first duty to my wife and my son whom I love both dearly. I cannot be a father or a husband. I have failed. My son needs me or I would be gone, I sat tonight with my pills in my hand knowing the sorrow and pain I would inflict on many others. I hold back yet again. I am sick of being a failure at life. I have educated myself well in my field but I cannot keep myself employed. I have been searching for over 4 years now for a stable place to call home but each and everytime there is drama and let down. It always comes back to this, now being out of work for 3 months and no sign of anything coming, it looks dim. With my education, and experience, this should not be the case. some how given a great oportunities, i have failed once again. I fail at being a father, I dont spend time with the little boy I love so much and learned to love again because he was born into my life. I dont show any affection to a deserving wife who has had to deal with a nutcase most of here marrige, not understanding my illness. you hear the same things from everyone, "oh it will get better, just shake it off" meanwhile I have sleepless nights and then sleep till 2pm because I cannot face my life. This is an over and over rutt that is ever present in my life. Suicide will end it all. But at a price. I always go up and look and my son peacfully sleeping and think what would go on in his head if he woke up and daddy no longer was there for him. My ulitimate falure. But how do we cope with this desease getting worse and worse every year, meds after meds, prayers after prayers, and yet the feeling of emptyness and failure lume in my heart with every breath. Failure is what I awake to. I am lonely though sorounded by those that love and care for me. Darkness sourounds me although I have all my lights on. I take pills to sleep, but here I am 2 hours later, not sleeping. This cant be what life is all about. There has to be joy and happiness. I see others with it. My life has ruined my wifes happiness too, I have effected her life now. She and my son do not deserve me the looser I am. Wishing God would just take me fills my day. My days go by, the same, without hope or end in sight. I am forever weekend by this madness I live under. Motivation is so far from me. Please, somehow, take this cup I bear from me. It is too burdensome. The yolk I hold is too heavy. My life is but worthless. I am in a very dark place now.

 

Hi Robguad,First, welcome to the forum, I reckon you're new here?
as I start to type this, I'm not sure what I'm going to say to you, it's more like
I felt like I should at least let you know that I read your post and feel your desperation, and as I am about the same age, have kids of my own, I know what it is to feel like a faillure towards them, when things get really hard and I think about quiting. And without wanting to fall in old stereotypes, I know also a man feels like he should be able to provide for their family,and financial trouble sure doesn't improve your state of mind...it's a sad circle :sad:...Although, I am sure its not anyones choice to be depressed, its just a shame that meds don't help, I wander if you're getting some councelling too.I don't know if it helps enough, but I guess some issues turn better to cope with when analysed, given a pace in your mind if not solved at all.
I hope and count on that your wife understands where your in, and though you feel like you make her unhappy through all her marriage, I think the biggest sorrow is to see you suffer,and probably her biggest hope is that you manage to hang on in the hope, yeah, I know, you heard it before, that things do get better, but when you think you done all practical things possible to get better, all it is to hope is tha time heals the wounds, and unfortunatelly some of them do take a whole time to heal.
This is supposed to be a post about hope, about holding on to the love of the closest ones in your life, and about letting you know that there's people that so well know wht you are going through, and so wish you wasn't, because even if we don't know you for real we know your pain.I don't know if I reached that, but I will offer you my understanding and support,my listening hear and I can tell you your not a faillure, there are just things that are stronger than us, I mean, life seems to have put up a fight with us and doesn't want a cease fire!
Come here and rant, let things of your chest and I hope it helps you to hold on.
Take care, stay safe
:hug:
helena

 

Hi and glad you found us...I surely know what it feels like to be stuck in a dark tunnel without seeing any light...some of my thoughts are: can you find work that you can do from home so that you do not have the social pressure? this has helped me through very tough times...is there a way to create a niche for yourself in your field so that you can consult or do something more on an as needed basis..and have your thought about developing a plan with your therapist to share your feelings and gain some understanding of what his/her goals are for you...I know it is difficult to feel worthy when what you want is so difficult to achieve, but your son and your wife are there, and they must love and value you...please stay with us and continue to let us know how you are doing...you are not alone here...big hugs, Jackie