I am a surviving suicide attempter. I have been on meds for 5 years now. In my life of 40 years, I cannot even look at myself in the mirror to shave. I lost work, yet again, and my poor wife is living day by day waiting for us to be forclosed, loose our cars. I cannot provide for my family. That is fisrt and formost my first duty to my wife and my son whom I love both dearly. I cannot be a father or a husband. I have failed. My son needs me or I would be gone, I sat tonight with my pills in my hand knowing the sorrow and pain I would inflict on many others. I hold back yet again. I am sick of being a failure at life. I have educated myself well in my field but I cannot keep myself employed. I have been searching for over 4 years now for a stable place to call home but each and everytime there is drama and let down. It always comes back to this, now being out of work for 3 months and no sign of anything coming, it looks dim. With my education, and experience, this should not be the case. some how given a great oportunities, i have failed once again. I fail at being a father, I dont spend time with the little boy I love so much and learned to love again because he was born into my life. I dont show any affection to a deserving wife who has had to deal with a nutcase most of here marrige, not understanding my illness. you hear the same things from everyone, "oh it will get better, just shake it off" meanwhile I have sleepless nights and then sleep till 2pm because I cannot face my life. This is an over and over rutt that is ever present in my life. Suicide will end it all. But at a price. I always go up and look and my son peacfully sleeping and think what would go on in his head if he woke up and daddy no longer was there for him. My ulitimate falure. But how do we cope with this desease getting worse and worse every year, meds after meds, prayers after prayers, and yet the feeling of emptyness and failure lume in my heart with every breath. Failure is what I awake to. I am lonely though sorounded by those that love and care for me. Darkness sourounds me although I have all my lights on. I take pills to sleep, but here I am 2 hours later, not sleeping. This cant be what life is all about. There has to be joy and happiness. I see others with it. My life has ruined my wifes happiness too, I have effected her life now. She and my son do not deserve me the looser I am. Wishing God would just take me fills my day. My days go by, the same, without hope or end in sight. I am forever weekend by this madness I live under. Motivation is so far from me. Please, somehow, take this cup I bear from me. It is too burdensome. The yolk I hold is too heavy. My life is but worthless. I am in a very dark place now.