First off, does anyone on this forum feel like it helps them? I still haven't decide if I should try to live or try to die, but death seems like the best option so far. I'm not just depressed because I have a serotine imbalance. I can hold on until that kind of mood passes and find things that make me feel better. I'm not depressed because a lover broke up with me or because I lost my job. I've lived through those events and survived for the most part. I'm here, thinking of killing myself, because I'm about to be homeless and friendless at the age of 51. I'm here because the one friend I thought really cared about me is evicting me and leaving me homeless. It's not really losing all my possessions and dog that hurts as much as losing her. I'm not really afraid of dying,...not really. I'd rather be able to live, but if my life is only going to get worse from here on, then it makes sense to end it now, while I still have access to a statistically effective means to do so. I'm not a rash person and I don't want to fail at my attempt, so I looked up which methods are more likely to work. I don't have access to the most effective means, but I have basically the next most effective means. I tell myself that this instinct to keep living is just habit, not rational. I don't have kids or anyone who's dependent on me. I made sure my mother was safe, but she won't even know who I am much longer. I isolated myself from all my other friends, so they won't even know when I'm gone. My roommate is trying to find someone else to take my dog, so I don't have to worry about having her put to sleep. Sleep. We love to use that word as a metaphor for death. The holy grail of suicidal people is a method that will let us just go to sleep and not have to wake up. This is seldom a realistic expectation, however. It's not easy to "erase" a living person, even when one wants to die. Effective methods tend to be messy and leave horrible, haunting memories for the people who find the body. <mod edit - guidelines> I believe in reincarnation. I believe I've lived other lives before and will live another after this one. Karmic debt carries from past lives to future ones though, so my next life will have difficulties too. I look forward to seeing my father, my sister and my wolf-dog when I die. I believe those we've loved who've gone before us will be there to greet us. Then someday I'll be there to greet those who die after I do. I feel like I'm <mod edit - methods>, but I'm not quite ready. My roommate looks out and, instead of telling me to come back inside, tells me to try to sell my possession before I lose my home. She must not understand how I'm feeling. She acts like she still likes me and cares about me,...except that when I told her that I'm trying to stay calm enough so I don't want to kill myself, she said that if I do, that's my choice. Maybe it's better to do this sooner, rather than wait until the last possible moment? Then she'll have more time to sell my stuff and try to get some money out of it. I'm not really angry toward her. She's just trying to do what she has to do to survive. She has a stronger survival instinct than I do, so she's able to tell herself that I'll be ok. My instinct seems to be to put other people's needs ahead of my own, and to maybe to devalue my own. I have an appointment on Monday to try to get Medi-Cal and CalFresh (like food stamps), but I don't expect to live long enough to use either. I'm still making sure my roommate's TV shows record. I'm still shoplifting food and dog food for her and her dog, so she'll pay me money that I can put toward our shared internet expense. I picked up all my No Copy items from our virtual world land. If nobody really cares if I live or die, if I'm homeless, if I'm scared, if I'm in danger... then why is it so hard to <mod edit - methods> ?