On the edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cranky, Oct 17, 2009.

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  1. cranky

    cranky New Member

    Hi guys. I'm bad at introducing myself, so i'll just post my story here.

    I'm in my early twenties, and i was abused and ignored throughout high school. I'm depressed because i go to college that i have no interest in, and i'm surrounded by the people i hate. Everyone says that life begins after high school. Not for me, as i go to college with just the same people from high school days. They will always see me like a weirdo and lowlife. Now, this seems like a minor thing, and i know that there are far worse things than that, but imagine this. Everyone ignores you for years, looking at you like a piece of shit. When you talk, it's like you are talking to a wall. And your family ignores your cries, telling you, what's good for you, your whole life. I grew up to be social anxious, depressed, and in competed man that studies business school. The irony is, i hate money, and i hate the office/banks surroundings. My mom didn't let me to re qualify, after high school, and move on with my life. I wanted to change, and start with a blank sheet of paper, and that was denied to me. I was never a slacker type of guy.

    My depression is so bad, things that used to make me happy, now don't. Nothing amuses me anymore. I go to sleep with fear, and i wake up with sweat every day. I feel nauxius, and suffer from extreme headaches and dizzines. I can't even walk straight. I don't even have the strength to speak.

    I am going to be frank with you. If i wasn't such a coward, i'd end my life already. I told my mom i can't do this anymore, that i feel bad, and i'm going to end my life. She has "just walk it out, everything is going to be better" attitude every time i speak to her. I feel so frustrated and miserable. I just want to blow my fucking brains out, to teach her a lesson... and get free from my torment. I bet everyone would get my words carved up forever in their minds. It's not like i didn't speak what's bugging me for all these years.

    I just wanted a new chance. I think everyone deserves it. I didn't do anything wrong to begin with, but i feel like i killed someone. Even most of the ex convicts get a new chance, to do something with their life. I was denied that, and it really, really hurts. I'm falling apart every day, and it hurts to know i can't do a damn thing to change that and become a better person. I don't even feel like a human being anymore. I don't remember the last time i felt safe and like myself. This is no way of living, i'd rather die than keep on like this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2009
  2. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Why are you doing something you hate? Something that makes you miserable? If you don't like it and it brings on depression and other ailments, change it. You said that you was denied......and you wanted change. You are still young, why can't you change your life now?

    If nobody is listening to you, go to those who will. Some of the time, the mentally healthy do not understand mental illness, and they certainly cannot relate. Some people fear it, some feel we bring it on ourselves, some care but they do not know how to handle it. I would not as you say "teach your mother a lesson" because the bottom line is that this is about you, not your mother, or your friends. You seem to be blaming a lot of people, I did that too, but when it boils down to it this is YOUR life, only YOU get to live it. You make the ultimate decisions. If you don't like something, change it! especially if it is causing you so much grief. Maybe take an anti-depressant while you work on your situation so you're not so bogged down in what seems like hell. Work on what is causing you this pain.
     
  3. HaveNot

    HaveNot Active Member

    Wow, your words have carved something in my brain and it saying "please don't kill yourself!" or at least that what I try to say to myself everyday living day of my life. You see I guess your problem is that your what society calls a loner; well think of how it feels to be a loner with a small penis! ouch! wait double ouch! i wait till the day i wake up in the morning to find a porn star penis wrapped around my leg, but who am i kidding i know the day that day comes i'll be in heaven! lol, that means hey it never going to come, but hey :poo:. i always ask myself god why me, out of all the men in the world to choose you choose me! fuck that!
     
  4. cranky

    cranky New Member

    Oh man, i knew a lot of things will sound wrong, with this being a message board, and me not being a english speaking person. I hate boards because of that. A lot of things just sound wrong sometimes.

    I don't have money. It's my mom that is paying for my crappy and expensive school. And there wasn't a option for me to re qualify. No one wanted to hear it.

    For some time, i became very caring for the ones i feel close. I am a listener, and try not to think about my problems only. I even started to spend some quality time with my father (my parents are divorced). He immediately noticed something's changed in me. I hated him for years. Now i forgave him everything his done, and get along with him really good.

    You know, i treat the people i love really well. The rest of the day i just lay in my bed, and think about past times. i don't even feel sorry for myself anymore.

    But that's it for my change. I still have to get every day to a surrounding i hate. Being treated like shit by my old "friends". You know. If i had a penny every time i've been called a weirdo, i'd be a millionaire.

    I'm so frustrated, cause i know my weirdo reputation will never go away now. When i am in new environment, i immediately get open and interact with everyone....

    Well fuck it, i don't feel like writing anymore, cause there's no use.
     
  5. HaveNot

    HaveNot Active Member

    Hey cranky,
    Just know that you aren't alone in the way your feeling. Do you know how it feels to be called a wierdo just because u don't have a girlfriend! Man it sucks but welcome to my life! I actually dropped out of school because of my depression and I absolutely hated being around people too. But I'm opening up more everyday and I thank myself for going and living everyday that comes my way, even though I make it my own private hell!
     
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