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On The Edge

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Ok, I don't know what to do. I'm a 23 year old male, 5' 10" and 300 pounds. Yah, that's alot. I've had an emotional eating disorder since I was maybe 10. I grew up with a workaholic dad and an insane mom who told me I'd grow up to be a rapist. I've never been on a "date" but I'm no virgin so don't let that get you twisted.

I've been depressed for maybe 10 years in a serious way. I've been suicidal for the last year and a half. I handled it by getting myself hooked on crystal meth, cocaine and violence. Kicked those habits, and the only person who loved me, my sister, just got sent to prison for a long long time.

I tried to off myself 1 week ago. A friend talked me off the ledge but now I don't think she did me any favors. I quit my job and I've just been sitting here. I wrote out my whole "life story" as it were, and it just sucks so bad. I know mall about suicide from the clinical side. I've stepped past the idealization. I've got a Plan, Means and Time Frame. My family has just been guilt-tripping me into staying alive. I just hurt so bad and I can't live for them anymore.

I don't know why I'm even writing here. Maybe it's because I sat here, ready to go, and realized that there wasn't 1 person I wanted to let know I'm gonna go. That I was just gonna fade away. I donno. This ride sucks and I want off at the end of this block.

Always Alone

It's not worth killing yourself over. If I passed you a magic wand that could give you an unlimited amount of wishes, what would you do? Would you wish to die, or would you use it to fix your problems?

Now try to fix those problems on your own, you can do it, I'm rooting for you
Sadly, i'd pass on that wand. The things that have been don to me, I can never erase. The things I've done to myself will ensure I continue on that path. It's best to just stop the whole process now.

I shouldn't have posted probably. I just wanted someone to know I'm imploding. I'm not really looking to be talked out of it.
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