I was there again yesterday. About to do it, but I questioned myself of what I was doing and stopped. Thing is it was because of something utterly silly. It was because someone I know (and truly appreciate) chose not to speak to me yesterday, but I could hear her having such a good time speaking with someone else a few seats behind me on the bus. It completely threw me over and I knew how ridiculous I was to overact, but I felt like both crying and dying. And of course it's not completely only by this. But it was what threw me over the edge and considered going there again. And that's what frightens me how easy it is to throw me over the edge (nearly there again this morning too because of drama in another relation), how my relation to this person is more an obsession (on my part) and anything she does hurts me so much that I can't take it. This has been going on for quite some time. And that it effects me so much really scares me. My relation to her is a hate/love situation for me where it all the time goes up and up down and I don't know how I should feel about her or act around her. I feel that I am the problem and that's why she won't speak to me. And it hurts even more. I have no idea what this is, but it's not good. It's left me hurting for too long now. And I have no idea what the point of writing this was, but at least it feels better now that I've gotten some of it all out.