on the highway to hell- (warning road ends in 1 mile)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by progrocker, Jul 6, 2008.

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  1. progrocker

    progrocker Member

    Disclaimer: (no I don't believe in god or hell)

    Anyway, I was suicidal for a semester at college, ended up coming here, which actually helped me out of that hole and I have been fine for a couple months, but now I am relapsing. It was triggered on a vacation with my father who I haven't seen much in the past couple years. I went on vacation to get away from my 40 hour a week job, but was met with a reminder of why I have all the problems I do.

    Him never paying child support was the reason my mom has had to work 60+ hours a week to support me, my brother and my sister. We watch her cry and break down into anger all the time, and we take the blunt end of it. The fact that he has belittled me and made me feel bad about myself since I was a little kid is the reason I have self esteem issues. I never had a father to show me how to live and act. My brother made a suicide attempt, and my sister looks like she is going to fall into the same trap. Even though he fucked up our family he still has the tenacity to make me feel like the bad guy, or like I owe him something.

    Anyway the big trigger was pulled when he was asked what he was doing. With me standing about 5 feet away from him, he said, "trying to stay away from my kids." :cry: This led to depression, which led to questioning myself, which led to not being able to function socially, which led to more social anxiety and depression than I already had. Now back from a vacation on an island, the only thing I want to do is purchase a gun and shoot myself in the head. I have been thinking about it at least once an hour, or hours on end in the past couple days.

    I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to have to interact with people anymore, I don't want to feel this overwhelming anxiety, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go into another introspective nightmare where all I do is question myself and annoy people by asking them what they think about me. I just want beautiful surrender.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    that sounds like a terrible vacation, and your dad sounds like a complete jerk. what an awful thing to believe and say.

    my therapist has taught me that when we are abused or neglected by our parents (and i count what he said as verbal abuse) it is our natural response as children to take it out on ourselves. instead of asking what makes him say this we assume we must not measure up in some way, not be good enough, not be worthy. it is a natural reaction to abuse to start telling ourselves that we are unloveable. it is a short step from this to wanting to die.

    do you have anyoone like a therapist to talk to? it can usually take a therapist to help you get over the damage that neglect and abuse has caused in your life.

    in the meatime, i just want to remind you: you are worthy - of love, of help, of life. he is wrong, in what he is saying and he is doing. do not give him the satisfaction of destroying you.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    That was a terrible thing for your father to say. Remember that he is the root and cause of his problems, not you. He has shown throughout the years that he is not deserving of his children. He may be your biological father, but it does not go beyond that. It is sad to know he is missing out on the best part of his life by not embracing you. It is his loss.
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