Disclaimer: (no I don't believe in god or hell) Anyway, I was suicidal for a semester at college, ended up coming here, which actually helped me out of that hole and I have been fine for a couple months, but now I am relapsing. It was triggered on a vacation with my father who I haven't seen much in the past couple years. I went on vacation to get away from my 40 hour a week job, but was met with a reminder of why I have all the problems I do. Him never paying child support was the reason my mom has had to work 60+ hours a week to support me, my brother and my sister. We watch her cry and break down into anger all the time, and we take the blunt end of it. The fact that he has belittled me and made me feel bad about myself since I was a little kid is the reason I have self esteem issues. I never had a father to show me how to live and act. My brother made a suicide attempt, and my sister looks like she is going to fall into the same trap. Even though he fucked up our family he still has the tenacity to make me feel like the bad guy, or like I owe him something. Anyway the big trigger was pulled when he was asked what he was doing. With me standing about 5 feet away from him, he said, "trying to stay away from my kids." :cry: This led to depression, which led to questioning myself, which led to not being able to function socially, which led to more social anxiety and depression than I already had. Now back from a vacation on an island, the only thing I want to do is purchase a gun and shoot myself in the head. I have been thinking about it at least once an hour, or hours on end in the past couple days. I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to have to interact with people anymore, I don't want to feel this overwhelming anxiety, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go into another introspective nightmare where all I do is question myself and annoy people by asking them what they think about me. I just want beautiful surrender.