On the other side of the gate

[jerrimyeon]

Stuck in some conundrum. Whenever I am happy, I feel guilty, like something is wrong or something shouldn't be. Thoughts like "No this is wrong. I don't deserve this. This has to stop." pop into my head often. Do I have something against happiness? I don't feel at peace no matter what I feel. I don't know what else I can do, so these days I'm just numb, bordering on sadness.

I feel I'm keeping myself from happiness because I want to sabotage myself due to self-loathing. I hate myself so resolutely that I want to feel nothing but pain because that is what I think I deserve. I don't really know though. Perhaps I'm just an attention hog faking depression for attention. That keeps coming to mind even though my feelings are sadly genuine. I'm not sure if that is the case but I keep thinking "What if?".

 

[sinking_ship]

Hi, welcome to SF.

The screwed up thing about depression is it makes the brain tell lies like that. Of course you aren't faking - no one *wants* to feel so bad they end up on a site called suicide forum. You don't deserve any pain, or to feel guilty for any happiness you get.

How long have you been feeling this way? Have you told your parents or a doctor?

 

[MosesY]

I understand your pain, I have been through some of what you are experiencing. Your brain is not functioning normally. I think it is worth experimenting with medication to see if you can make it better. It would be worth finding a psychiatrist to see if they can help you. Everyone deserves happiness; you did not ask to be born and you do not deserve a life of hell. I think it would be worth setting little goals every day and listing them on a piece of paper. Reward yourself with moments of happiness as you achieve your goals.

 

[jerrimyeon]

Hi, welcome to SF.

The screwed up thing about depression is it makes the brain tell lies like that. Of course you aren't faking - no one *wants* to feel so bad they end up on a site called suicide forum. You don't deserve any pain, or to feel guilty for any happiness you get.

How long have you been feeling this way? Have you told your parents or a doctor?

Have been thinking and acting like this for a while now, maybe a few months? I really can't understand why I'm leaning towards the depression as if it were the better place to be. Perhaps it's just because I'm so used to it beating me down that I've grown too used to taking the beating rather than standing up. I've already told my mother, and we're both confused about it, and well.. I didn't know who else I could turn to about it.

I've just been kept wondering. Why can't I let myself be happy? I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this, to feel guilt in smiling.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[jerrimyeon]

I understand your pain, I have been through some of what you are experiencing. Your brain is not functioning normally. I think it is worth experimenting with medication to see if you can make it better. It would be worth finding a psychiatrist to see if they can help you. Everyone deserves happiness; you did not ask to be born and you do not deserve a life of hell. I think it would be worth setting little goals every day and listing them on a piece of paper. Reward yourself with moments of happiness as you achieve your goals.

I am already trying medicine, and since last year, I'm already feeling way better. The doctor prescribed a lot of different ones, so I'm not sure exactly which I have to inspect. I think it's just me that I have to adjust now considering my medicine lets me to do well. The feeling of normalcy still terrifies me cause you know, "What if it all goes wrong again?". I have no goals or anything as of late.. just lying in bed feeling useless. People have been telling me to try doing little things, and I would if I had more energy and will. I'll find a way to do things, even if it takes a lot sometimes.

 

[sinking_ship]

Have been thinking and acting like this for a while now, maybe a few months? I really can't understand why I'm leaning towards the depression as if it were the better place to be. Perhaps it's just because I'm so used to it beating me down that I've grown too used to taking the beating rather than standing up. I've already told my mother, and we're both confused about it, and well.. I didn't know who else I could turn to about it.

I've just been kept wondering. Why can't I let myself be happy? I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this, to feel guilt in smiling.

Thank you for your reply.

My therapist describes it like if someone loses a limb. They are so used to having it there, the body thinks it's still there, expects it, doesn't know how to be without it. Similarly with the depression, you're so used to it, and some of the patterns and habits are so engrained, it can feel 'wrong' to let it go.

If you don't have a therapist to talk to, I think it could be very helpful. They can help you work on feeling better about yourself so you can accept that you deserve good things.

 

[Holding my breath]

I understand this feeling completely. I never have good days but on the better days I feel guilty and sabotage it because I shouldn’t feel ok. If everything is ok in my day then I will look to absorb the bad things going on around me in other peoples lives to make sure I feel bad. As you said, feeling depressed is a comfortable place to be and so I too lean towards wanting to feel like this and can’t see a way out. I’m told it is the depression which is making me feel this way. Once you are in a deep dark hole it is very difficult to even want to climb out let alone actually do it. Hence I to have turned to SF. You will find some wonderful understanding people on here who will hold you when you are at your lowest and who really do care. I find being there for others as much as I can is also helpful. I hate seeing other people in pain and want to do what I can to support others by absorbing some of their pain. Take care and stick around to talk with us. Xx

 

[KM76710]

Hello and good to see you here. I can understand that I have never felt peace in my life, but hopefully you will find comfort here.

 

[JDot]

Hey @jerrimyeon We all deserve happiness. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.

 

[Champagne]

Perhaps I'm just an attention hog faking depression for attention. That keeps coming to mind even though my feelings are sadly genuine.

I totally get you there but no its not attention seeking when these self loathing and self hatred feelings are real and niggling at your mind constantly, its time to fight them properly

I think everyone has their own idea of what ''happy'' even is. Talk it out with a therapist and keep talking to yourself internally saying, you do deserve happiness, love and health. You are beating yourself down due to this awful depression, keep talking to us here ok?

SF will always be here to talk to you when you feel low and so full of hatred, welcome to the forum and keep us posted, we understand how hard it is but there's a huge chance you can get better again, its 100 percent possible actually.It just might be hard to see that right now, you are far from alone