on the razor's edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silver76, Sep 30, 2008.

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  1. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    That's me. On the razor's edge, stuck between a rock and a hard place, a thousand other mundane saying that say nothing about the person speaking. I have had it. I have dealt with this shit for 16 years now. I hate myself, my life, the world, an people in general. It is time to go. I want out. It can't get better. I can't get help because that would make things worse not better. I know I need help but because of my job I can't. Without the job, can't support the family, so why keep breathing. I fucking hate life, i dispise the beautiful. Fuck someone shoot me.
     
  2. ecorg911

    ecorg911 Active Member

    Hey silver, what you care to elaborate and many explain why you feel this way exactly?
     
  3. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    I don't know exactly why i feel this way. I have done some really horable things in my life. Some I feel bad about, many I don't feel anything about. I have contemplated death for nearly 20 years. I have attempted suicide many times. Obviously unsuccesfully, just another in my many failures. I feel useless, worthless, if I were gone the world may even be a better place. I used to hang with some guys that made me feel like one of them, wanted, needed, safe. Where my extremes in all things were not looked down upon, and my violent tendancies were an asset. While I will not elaborate on who they were, they were the closest thing to real friends I have had in close 15 years. I am lonely. But I really don't like people. Maybe i'm just use to being solitary. My wife and kids can feel the tension. They know somethings coming. But unlike myself they don't know what is coming. I have to wait until they are grown and out of the house. A self obligation that I hope I can keep, but it is getting harder and harder to wait. It consumes my thoughts, how, when, where. Not much else matters anymore. I know I should seek help but can't. As I said that would defeat the purpose of seeking help. I would lose my job, and therefore not be able to support my family, which is the only reason i'm here now. Fuck I hate this shit. I just want it over.
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Silver,
    Maybe call the hospital and find out if there are any local support groups. They don't cost anything and you are with people who have similar problems.
    I never thought I would reccommend group because the two I tried didn't work for me. I wasn't use to being around people and felt very uncomfortable. It helps alot of people just not me. I am better off with my one on one's with Gina my therapist. What do you have to loose? Give it a go and see what happens!!Take Care~Joseph~
     
  5. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    I appreciate the concern, but the problem is that on my security paper work I would have to disclose any such activities. This could get my clearances revoked.
     
  6. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's time to start thinking about another, maybe more usual job? If you need help then you should not withold it from yourself.

    Do you have any close friends or family you could talk to, you would not have to disclose that and sometimes just saying these things can be a big releif.

    Welcome to the forum though. My PM box is always open if you ever want to offload anything.
     
  7. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    thanks, yeah I thought about that, but it won't work. The thoughts I have scare the crap out of my wife, no help there. Kids too you, same. Parents don't care. Haven't talked to them in over a year. Have no friends, moved with the job a few years back, and really don't like too many people.

    Besides all that, if I did talk to them, it would come out anyway. For my clearance they do intensive background checks. Talk to neighbors, friends, family, hell former high school teachers.

    I can right here because I am using an anonymus email acount, fake username, behind a virtual network, and bouncing off servers through out the world. Still scared they may find this too.
     
  8. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Thats some job. Maybe it's too much for you and you need to downgrade it a bit with an easier job? It might mean less money and going without a few luxuries, but at the end of the day if you go on to have a breakdown, they'll find out the hard way won't they.

    I really don't know what to suggest apart from you give your options in that area a rethink. There's a lot of other jobs out there that will support you and your family that are not half as stressful and invasive as this one sounds.
     
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