Last time, it was purely about money. I was going to kill myself in order to stop being a burden on others. Though I suppose that was the result of all my other flaws that are coming over in person to kick my ass now. I'm starting to question myself about my lack of 'success' in life. No good marketable skills, no social skills, terrible appearance, no significant other, and absolutely rock-bottom self-esteem. It's so bad, I actually get off on abuse now in a masochistic streak. I don't think I'm depressed, nor am I suicidal, but that may come yet. What's interesting in my case is that I could stomp down on all these thoughts. I think I have a specific personality disorder that makes me emotionally arid, and I can normally spend my days working some menial job or doing chores and then whiling the hours away on the internet and games. But this is the type of stagnant attitude that's gotten me to this point. I'm 28 years old now, and I'm thinking it may be time to start doing... things. So either I accept the existential dread and try to pick myself up, or I go back to my oblivious existence as a leech. Tough choice, but I'm not addled enough to think the latter is the better option. I just hope But the former comes with a lot of risks to my fragile ego.