On the road to suicide again, different this time

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by CD110, Mar 29, 2014.

  1. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Last time, it was purely about money. I was going to kill myself in order to stop being a burden on others. Though I suppose that was the result of all my other flaws that are coming over in person to kick my ass now. I'm starting to question myself about my lack of 'success' in life. No good marketable skills, no social skills, terrible appearance, no significant other, and absolutely rock-bottom self-esteem. It's so bad, I actually get off on abuse now in a masochistic streak. I don't think I'm depressed, nor am I suicidal, but that may come yet.

    What's interesting in my case is that I could stomp down on all these thoughts. I think I have a specific personality disorder that makes me emotionally arid, and I can normally spend my days working some menial job or doing chores and then whiling the hours away on the internet and games. But this is the type of stagnant attitude that's gotten me to this point. I'm 28 years old now, and I'm thinking it may be time to start doing... things. So either I accept the existential dread and try to pick myself up, or I go back to my oblivious existence as a leech. Tough choice, but I'm not addled enough to think the latter is the better option. I just hope But the former comes with a lot of risks to my fragile ego.
  2. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    probably an obvious question, but have you considered therapy? working alone on the things u mention can be a very difficult road, and the therapy can help u to make gains more quickly and that you otherwise mgith not be able to make solely on your own. I'm really glad ur posting here. do you ever visit the site's chat rooms for support? somewhere in all that you say, I pick up on a significant strength: your ability to make a connection and have insight into your behaviors and the way you feel. I think that's a major plus and is not something that everyone possesses, which can give you a jump start in terms of working to get on with your life in a positive way.
  3. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the response. Yes I'm very introspective and try to control my thoughts and emotions. I've succeeded in some regards but it means that any personal development will have to be regulated and deliberate. There's no impulsiveness left in me, no zest for life, and that how I wanted it. As for therapy, it's a no-go for me. I don't trust the profession and absolutely refuse to take mind-altering medication (no scientologist, just a personal taboo). My online acquaintances with similar experiences also say therapists can't really help much with personality disorders, and I can see why. There are some hangups I know I should get over, and don't need to be told by a professional. No worries, there's no chance I'll commit suicide anytime soon on this course. I've been there before and I know what kind of nerves or desperation it takes to even make a half-hearted attempt. And I'm not the impulsive type at all.