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On the rocks

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jagroen, Mar 19, 2012.

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  1. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Ok, im completely new here... but i feel i need some help before my life pushes me off the ledge.
    im 21/Male/Canada
    Im Currently in College, in debt ($6000)... i got into a car accident where a girl hit me but the collison caused her to miscarriage...
    my family has disowned me because of my previous relationship.
    I am living on my own with 2 roommates that i dont feel too comfortable with as they drink every weekend and im more of a room dweller playing video games

    I have been going down hill constantly and some of my "friends" say it gets better but the truth is that bad stuff keeps coming and coming and isnt stopping
    So, tonight i have been feeling shitty as i have overcome some motivation towards any attempts but its not stopping me from cutting my legs
    I dont know how everybody keeps going on in life, growing up is hard, career is difficult, relationship issues, debt, politics...
    my mind is just spiraling and i think it would be alot easier if i was not here...some people may say im attention seeking, part me is seeking help
    but the other part of me is too ashamed to even ask for help and causes me to feel worse and worse if i get help.

    I have a journal i have been using for 4 years and its almost filled...it has all my bad thoughts inside and even proof of my SI in the past..
    last night i broke my record of no SI in 2 years...i feel so ashamed because i did so well..

    If anyone is out there that knows the feeling im going through and has any insight, please...help me
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Corey, welcome to SF...we are all glad you're here. I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. You shouldn't feel ashamed to ask for help, and there's nothing attention seeking about doing that. You do want people to pay attention to the fact that you're hurting deeply...and we understand that here. Don't feel ashamed for breaking your record of no SI, sometimes it just happens and we can't control it. You should be proud that you didn't do it for 2 years, that is a long time. It's good that you journal, hopefully that gets some of the bad feelings out. Please keep posting and we will continue to support you.
  3. Hi and welcome to the forum..
    Do you have a job?? How about looking for a temporary job to fill in the time so that you will not start to think negative? As you work, you will gain some experience, have friends and money..
    Don't keep staying in the room to play video games.. Get up, head out to find something to enjoy.. Suicide will not solve your problems but will cause more problems.. And stop the self inflicted harm..
  4. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    hi. im mark. I'm sorry its so dark. it seems you've got a lot of tough things going on. if you could change or work on 1 thing thats pressing you right now, what would it be? Please be ok today.
  5. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Im trying to feel better, but as the town im living in has the lowest employment rate for ontario..
    I have collections calling me everyday harassing me, after i made payment arrangements...seems to not be good enough
    Classes are a bit of a struggle, constantly worried i will fail for the third time...but then again third time is a charm right?
    i feel like my family and friends back in alberta want nothing to do with me since i moved to ontario.

    So much stress is going on, but i some how been preventing myself from doing any stupid like my muscle relaxants and drinking..
    i wonder if i should start taking anti depressants again, and if i found a proper councellor.

    Has anybody else ever felt like their world falling apart right when you try to fix it?
  6. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Well, first of all, greetings! There is perhaps no better place online than this site where you can talk about all that ails you and receive not only good help, but people who understand and treat you with respect.

    I have to stop you first of all, where you said 'and some of my "friends" say it gets better...' and have to comment that of course they are your friends. If they were not, then why in the first place would you call them 'friends' or think of them as such?
    When you are in a bad mind set, sure, things in life always seem to get worse and worse, the shit keeps getting piled on, yet you have to realise that only happens either because one does nothing about a problem, which makes it worse (ignoring a debt = increased debt, for example) or because you are thinking too much about a problem/the problem that you lose sight of the easy solution and what you need to do to overcome it.

    If you are seeking attention or not - do not let it stop you from asking others for help when you need it. If you find it embarrassing to ask for help, think others could think you weak for being unable to deal with a problem or problems - put that thought right out of your mind and ask. A moment's ask for help beats a lifetime of pain and emotional turmoil, after all.
    But as for cutting... I will not say that is right or wrong to do, since it is not my place, but many people here do the same as you (as did I many years ago) and while yes, it does have that odd way of stopping the emotional pain by causing physical pain for a shirt time, there can come a time when you fall into a bad habit of cutting every time something gets you down and believe you me, that is not a pattern you wish to get into!
    If you feel the need to cut, look down at the scars you have already and keep this in mind: scars last a lifetime.Do you really want to look down and see them every day, years on end, until you find yourself an old man taking a shower (or bath) and have them greet you every time, reminding you of the worst possible moment in your life?

    But anyway, when all is said and done, I do not think anyone can truely help you here - that is what you must do for yourself. We can offer guidance, support, friendship, ears (or, rather, eyes) when you need it, any time of the day or night... But what is more, there is one among us who can gift you with the sole greatest creation in Human evolution:

    :bubbles: Look to her and you will find yourself smiling and forgetting your worries in no time! It works for Jess, after all! :D
  7. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Well, i gave my best friend the pills i would have used one evening and i was put on suicide watch, but as my debt keep worrying me, im also in college trying to keep going but the stress keeps building and building. i keep feeling "guilty" cause not even my parents want to talk to me anymore..

    i have stopped playing video games all the time, i only play on weekends if i have no homework, and i cancelled my World of Warcraft account.

    i just wish life would get better like everyone promises me...i keep getting pushed down and down..
    i tried meditating with binary wave beats, and it sorta helps when its quiet in the house, but with my roommates partying all the time now...its damm near impossible.

    Thanks for hanging on with me
  8. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    the journal great idea thats first good step you have.Attention seeking no your not more prob screaming for help.Dont let ppl bring you down they dont understand very hard for ppl not hurting to understand mental illness.It does get better but with time and you are going to have up days and low days.Use each of these days to put entries in your diary good or bad does help.Seek some help is also a good start and like youve done use this sight as ppl here very supportive.Debts eventually they will go away they are minor things at the moment your health is more important and as i said seek help and usually you will get those ppl to help with debitors to get them of ya back.take care and keep posting get it off ya chest
  9. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Sounds really tough for u right now. Sorry things have been difficult. Know that this is a good place to share your thoughts. Even though it doesn't solve everything it does help to have someone to share with.

    Hope things start to improve for you and that you get some kind of support
  10. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Well, the past 2 weeks were stressful beyond belief but i managed

    Cyber trends 79%
    A+ hardware 83%
    Intro to Law 80%
    Tech Comm 62%
    Software 65%
    Math 70%

    i managed to do well...especially after telling my councellor i was ready to drop out because i feel im still not ready for college
    i still get stressed cause of finances right now, and with new semester + having to move, and my parents don't even care that i got decent marks.
    Im the first one in my family to attend college, so i feel i did a big step that is hard to do in my family and it hurts me that i dont get any support for it.
    has anyone ever felt that your parents are sometimes the reason you get so depressed?
    I keep having thoughts that maybe my ex back in calgary was right, maybe my parents dont truly care about my education and just want me to look after them
    i dont understand why i still think of my ex after we have been broken up for 4 years now. just the theory or "thoughts" she told me are like melted in my brain and i keep thinking she was telling me the truth...and i broke up with her just to make my parents happy...

    I know im doing a wall of text and im sorry, just better to get it out and off my shoulders..kinda hard being a male in college where im supposed to act with no emotions
  11. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    i hate myself, i go from being happy i did decent in class to finding out i got a 2.64 GPA to finding out my friend just got released from mental care and he has been living on his own for a few months and he started doing drugs and alcohol....

    Everything around me keeps bringing me down and down...its getting annoying...ive broken my record and cut recently...just to feel......alive? i guess....
    i dont know how much longer i can go....
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