Hi, I'm John and I am in my mid 40s. I encountered my first major depression when I was 21 due to my inability to cope with office politics. I have a history of major depressive episodes (4 in total, spanned over 15 years since graduation) and all of them are triggered by work politics. Each time it happens, I end up resigning and ending up jobless as well as hopeless. My last depression saw me laying in bed for a year. Each time, major depression happens, I become suicidal and I would lay in bed till I somehow recovered, no matter how long it took. After several major depressive episodes, I came to the realization and acceptance that I am different from others and hence have to live a less stressful life and hence since my mid 30s, I lowered my expectations about myself, gave up being overly ambitious and became self-employed, financially-surviving by dwelling in small little ventures that, somehow managed to keep me going. It has been 10 years since my last major depression episode.I thought that I am able to prevent it from ever recurring again by living this way (a simpler life). I figured that I have to learn to be contented with what I have and to be grateful about life. Things were well and I thought the depressive episodes were the past and gone forever. I lived a normal happy life till a couple of years ago. My previous business took a turn and folded and I innocently ventured into a niche business which I initially thought I would succeed. The planning and preparations to launch it took almost a year (multiple unforseen delays and obstacles along the way) and as a result I was left with not much savings in bank account. AND a couple of weeks ago, I finally realized that the business is not really viable anymore. I started feeling dread. Lost interest in everything and started waking up with great anxiety and just a few days ago, I cant seem to sleep more than 3 hours anymore and each time, when I am waking up, I am crippled with the feeling of intense fear and hopelessness. I cant see light at the end of the tunnel and I cant find my way out. I am very afraid that I am falling into depression again. I dont want it to happen but I cant control the way I feel when I wake up in the morning. The intense feeling of hopelessness just comes and I wake up in panic and with great fear. Due to lack of sleep, I try to nap during the day but each time I close my eyes and drift into semi-consciousness, the negative feelings of fear and dread creeps into me and I end up waking up. I am in deep mental trouble and I know it. I dont know how to prevent it. I constantly try to mentally convince myself not to think about the bleak future but I just cant. I dont want to go to bed with this kind of feeling and wake up with anxiety but I cant control it and it's breaking me down. I know what depression did to me in the past and I dont want it to ever happen again but I can see it coming. I seem to have lost control of my subconcious mind and I am losing control of my mental health although I consciously dont want it to happen. I spent a lot of time in the internet trying to read up coping techniques but none seem to work. I am an experienced major depression sufferer with suicidal ideations who managed to life a normal life for many years by lowering my expectations and living a simple but contented life but this time, I am heading for mental disaster and I need to spill it out cos I have no one to talk to. How do I steer myself out it it? Is there anyone like me in SF? or am I all alone in this? It is normal for the younger folks to face depression as they struggle about on the meaning of life and I am the depressive youngster who grew up. I am not suicidal nor depressed yet but I think its just a matter of time. I am a ticking time bomb as much as I dont want to tick. I'm damned.