On the Verge of 'IT' Returning

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JohnL

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#1
Hi,

I'm John and I am in my mid 40s. I encountered my first major depression when I was 21 due to my inability to cope with office politics. I have a history of major depressive episodes (4 in total, spanned over 15 years since graduation) and all of them are triggered by work politics. Each time it happens, I end up resigning and ending up jobless as well as hopeless. My last depression saw me laying in bed for a year. Each time, major depression happens, I become suicidal and I would lay in bed till I somehow recovered, no matter how long it took. After several major depressive episodes, I came to the realization and acceptance that I am different from others and hence have to live a less stressful life and hence since my mid 30s, I lowered my expectations about myself, gave up being overly ambitious and became self-employed, financially-surviving by dwelling in small little ventures that, somehow managed to keep me going.

It has been 10 years since my last major depression episode.I thought that I am able to prevent it from ever recurring again by living this way (a simpler life). I figured that I have to learn to be contented with what I have and to be grateful about life. Things were well and I thought the depressive episodes were the past and gone forever. I lived a normal happy life till a couple of years ago. My previous business took a turn and folded and I innocently ventured into a niche business which I initially thought I would succeed. The planning and preparations to launch it took almost a year (multiple unforseen delays and obstacles along the way) and as a result I was left with not much savings in bank account.

AND a couple of weeks ago, I finally realized that the business is not really viable anymore. I started feeling dread. Lost interest in everything and started waking up with great anxiety and just a few days ago, I cant seem to sleep more than 3 hours anymore and each time, when I am waking up, I am crippled with the feeling of intense fear and hopelessness. I cant see light at the end of the tunnel and I cant find my way out. I am very afraid that I am falling into depression again. I dont want it to happen but I cant control the way I feel when I wake up in the morning. The intense feeling of hopelessness just comes and I wake up in panic and with great fear. Due to lack of sleep, I try to nap during the day but each time I close my eyes and drift into semi-consciousness, the negative feelings of fear and dread creeps into me and I end up waking up.

I am in deep mental trouble and I know it. I dont know how to prevent it. I constantly try to mentally convince myself not to think about the bleak future but I just cant. I dont want to go to bed with this kind of feeling and wake up with anxiety but I cant control it and it's breaking me down. I know what depression did to me in the past and I dont want it to ever happen again but I can see it coming. I seem to have lost control of my subconcious mind and I am losing control of my mental health although I consciously dont want it to happen. I spent a lot of time in the internet trying to read up coping techniques but none seem to work. I am an experienced major depression sufferer with suicidal ideations who managed to life a normal life for many years by lowering my expectations and living a simple but contented life but this time, I am heading for mental disaster and I need to spill it out cos I have no one to talk to. How do I steer myself out it it? Is there anyone like me in SF? or am I all alone in this? It is normal for the younger folks to face depression as they struggle about on the meaning of life and I am the depressive youngster who grew up. I am not suicidal nor depressed yet but I think its just a matter of time. I am a ticking time bomb as much as I dont want to tick. I'm damned.
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Get to your doc now!
A course of anti depressants will help with the anxiety and hopefully stave off a major depression attack.
Once the anxiety is under control you will be able to think clearer, and hopefully come up with a plan to get you back on track.
 

JohnL

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#3
I appreciate your advice, Terry but unfortunately, with the little I have left in my bank account, I cant afford it. I am trying my very best to reverse my mind by reminding myself that no amount of anxiety/worry is going to be able to change the situation and to live for the moment and take each day at a time and do my very best. I can do this when I am awake but when i drift to my semi-conscious state, the intense anxiety attacks wont leave me alone. It is crazy that we cannot control the way we feel. I am not in depression yet but on the verge of it. I really hope that I can pull myself out of the rut I am in though I dont see how I could do so. This will be my 5th major episode if I fail to reverse my thinking. I am very aware of the situation and I am trying my very best to arrest it. My depressions are all about my inability to cope with office politics leading to a badly scarred work history, resulting in unemployability and now having been self-employed for 10 years and facing a business failure, with no other possible work ventures, I am breaking down. I shared because I was hoping to find someone in SF like me. A man in his mid-40s, hopeless about his future. Have no prospects, Unemployable , running low on financial resources and see no way out so that we could relate and see how we can pull each other out of the dire situation.
 

JohnL

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#4
I hate major depressions because they come back when the situation triggers it. Thought it was just a mental issue that happenned to me when I was young . Thought that God put me through these trials to mould me into a better person. Thought the 'lessons in life' were over as I have learnt, since 10 years ago NOT to expect too much and to be grateful about life but apparently, it isnt over. It comes back. I was a young man then when it first happened. Now I am a matured man and I cant handle it. What a shame.
 
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