On the Verge of 'IT' Returning

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JohnL, Mar 16, 2015.

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  1. JohnL

    JohnL Account Closed


    I'm John and I am in my mid 40s. I encountered my first major depression when I was 21 due to my inability to cope with office politics. I have a history of major depressive episodes (4 in total, spanned over 15 years since graduation) and all of them are triggered by work politics. Each time it happens, I end up resigning and ending up jobless as well as hopeless. My last depression saw me laying in bed for a year. Each time, major depression happens, I become suicidal and I would lay in bed till I somehow recovered, no matter how long it took. After several major depressive episodes, I came to the realization and acceptance that I am different from others and hence have to live a less stressful life and hence since my mid 30s, I lowered my expectations about myself, gave up being overly ambitious and became self-employed, financially-surviving by dwelling in small little ventures that, somehow managed to keep me going.

    It has been 10 years since my last major depression episode.I thought that I am able to prevent it from ever recurring again by living this way (a simpler life). I figured that I have to learn to be contented with what I have and to be grateful about life. Things were well and I thought the depressive episodes were the past and gone forever. I lived a normal happy life till a couple of years ago. My previous business took a turn and folded and I innocently ventured into a niche business which I initially thought I would succeed. The planning and preparations to launch it took almost a year (multiple unforseen delays and obstacles along the way) and as a result I was left with not much savings in bank account.

    AND a couple of weeks ago, I finally realized that the business is not really viable anymore. I started feeling dread. Lost interest in everything and started waking up with great anxiety and just a few days ago, I cant seem to sleep more than 3 hours anymore and each time, when I am waking up, I am crippled with the feeling of intense fear and hopelessness. I cant see light at the end of the tunnel and I cant find my way out. I am very afraid that I am falling into depression again. I dont want it to happen but I cant control the way I feel when I wake up in the morning. The intense feeling of hopelessness just comes and I wake up in panic and with great fear. Due to lack of sleep, I try to nap during the day but each time I close my eyes and drift into semi-consciousness, the negative feelings of fear and dread creeps into me and I end up waking up.

    I am in deep mental trouble and I know it. I dont know how to prevent it. I constantly try to mentally convince myself not to think about the bleak future but I just cant. I dont want to go to bed with this kind of feeling and wake up with anxiety but I cant control it and it's breaking me down. I know what depression did to me in the past and I dont want it to ever happen again but I can see it coming. I seem to have lost control of my subconcious mind and I am losing control of my mental health although I consciously dont want it to happen. I spent a lot of time in the internet trying to read up coping techniques but none seem to work. I am an experienced major depression sufferer with suicidal ideations who managed to life a normal life for many years by lowering my expectations and living a simple but contented life but this time, I am heading for mental disaster and I need to spill it out cos I have no one to talk to. How do I steer myself out it it? Is there anyone like me in SF? or am I all alone in this? It is normal for the younger folks to face depression as they struggle about on the meaning of life and I am the depressive youngster who grew up. I am not suicidal nor depressed yet but I think its just a matter of time. I am a ticking time bomb as much as I dont want to tick. I'm damned.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Get to your doc now!
    A course of anti depressants will help with the anxiety and hopefully stave off a major depression attack.
    Once the anxiety is under control you will be able to think clearer, and hopefully come up with a plan to get you back on track.
  3. JohnL

    JohnL Account Closed

    I appreciate your advice, Terry but unfortunately, with the little I have left in my bank account, I cant afford it. I am trying my very best to reverse my mind by reminding myself that no amount of anxiety/worry is going to be able to change the situation and to live for the moment and take each day at a time and do my very best. I can do this when I am awake but when i drift to my semi-conscious state, the intense anxiety attacks wont leave me alone. It is crazy that we cannot control the way we feel. I am not in depression yet but on the verge of it. I really hope that I can pull myself out of the rut I am in though I dont see how I could do so. This will be my 5th major episode if I fail to reverse my thinking. I am very aware of the situation and I am trying my very best to arrest it. My depressions are all about my inability to cope with office politics leading to a badly scarred work history, resulting in unemployability and now having been self-employed for 10 years and facing a business failure, with no other possible work ventures, I am breaking down. I shared because I was hoping to find someone in SF like me. A man in his mid-40s, hopeless about his future. Have no prospects, Unemployable , running low on financial resources and see no way out so that we could relate and see how we can pull each other out of the dire situation.
  4. JohnL

    JohnL Account Closed

    I hate major depressions because they come back when the situation triggers it. Thought it was just a mental issue that happenned to me when I was young . Thought that God put me through these trials to mould me into a better person. Thought the 'lessons in life' were over as I have learnt, since 10 years ago NOT to expect too much and to be grateful about life but apparently, it isnt over. It comes back. I was a young man then when it first happened. Now I am a matured man and I cant handle it. What a shame.
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