On the verge of suicide...again.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by tktktk43, May 1, 2012.

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  1. tktktk43

    tktktk43 New Member

    Before I start lets just say that I've had many failed attempts at suicide in the past. And every time that I failed I feel even worse than before knowing that I can't even complete the task of killing myself. As with most depression I have mood swings constantly. I would have moments where I am extremely happy for no reason and then reach rock bottom moments later. It has been like this for me since I started High School and around the time when my parents got divorced. My parents for the most part understood my condition but they seem to think that it would fix itself and they never saw it as anything more than that. My mother and I also have a very bad relationship. She's never been their for me and my brother yet she tricks herself into believing that she's a good mom. She kicked me out the other day because my stepfather and I don't get along. I'm staying with my aunt right now and have to drive very far to get to the university every day now. I harbor a lot of hate towards her. I hate my father as well because I feel like he could of help with my skin condition early on if he had cared enough to take me to the clinic. And because he didn't do shit, my mother took the opportunity to take me under her wings to avoid having to pay for child support. My grandmother just passed away and I didn't drop a single tear. That made me realize that I no longer have any affection or feelings left for anyone. My mental explanation had me believe that maybe it's because I'm careless about myself. If I can't love myself, why should I care for anyone else? I've become selfish and very emo. I've always been a 4.0 student with trophies across the room. But now I look at myself and all I see is failure.

    I have very low self-esteem and part of that is probably due to me being in denial about my sexuality. I don't think that I'm gay as I do have sexual feelings for certain types of girls. Society, whether we like it or not, does judge and treat gay people differently. I guess I didn't want to accept the fact that I am attracted to guys because I am emotionally judgmental of myself based on what society and people in general think of me. Part of that is probably because I don't have a strong support structure. I have never expressed my feelings to anyone except my aunt because I trusted her. I've talked to my aunt about some of my suicidal attempts before but she couldn't keep her mouth shut and exposed everything I said to her to everyone. I felt very betrayed and I guess after that I just find it that much more difficult to trust anyone. Going back to my sexuality, I do find myself more generally attracted to guys than girls. Overall, I guess I'm bi-sexual. My next problem is that I have very bad genetics in that I have tumorous skin reflexes. If I get injured, my skin would react to that injury by creating scar tissues upon scar tissues. The result, you have a massive tumor like scar hanging off your body. In my case, around my neck. I would say that my more recent depression has been because of that. I did get surgery recently to remove the scars and now the area looks much better. I'm not as self-conscious as I use to be but I can't help but feel like that's probably because I have given up on life. I no longer have any dreams or goals that I want to achieve. I feel like I'm attending college just because that's something that is expected of me. I don't want to disappoint my family but now that the classes are becoming much more complex and I'm near graduation I feel like I won't be able to force myself to accomplish school tasks. And I lay in my bed every night wondering to myself, what exactly do I want in life? Why am I attending college and getting so stressed out for? And after college, where do I go from their? I've dated several girls in junior high but it was never anything serious. And now that I have my skin condition I don't have the confidence to be in any relationship. Part of that has to do with me being bi-sexual and not knowing if my family is willing to accept that. And, if I do find a partner, if he/she is willing to accept that as well. My thoughts right now is that if I drop out of college and create the disappointments then it would be easier for me later on to explain to my family that I'm bi-sexual. I've tried to kill myself so many times that I have little self respect for myself now. I longer have suicidal attempts but always stressing out. If my skin condition gets better than their is no longer any excuses for me not to be in a relationship;my skin condition is what my family think is holding me back. That makes me not want to get better. But, at the same time I want to get better because I'm always hiding under hoodies trying to cover the scars. I also don't care much for college because it wasn't something that I wanted in the first place. But, I'm stuck because I owe 20k already in student loan. I feel like if I wasted 3 years in college and accumulated so much debt already I might as well try and pull it through.

    Sorry if all this sounds random and somewhat confusing. Their is a lot of time discrepancy in my post. I don't expect anyone reading this to understand everything I'm saying. Me creating this thread hopefully would allow me to relieve some stress and personal issues that I have bottled up inside. I feel like if I at least get this out their that maybe it would make it easier for me to deal with. Life sucks at times but now looking back at it I'm actually grateful to some extent that I didn't commit suicide back when I was younger. I don't love myself but I do accept the fact that as time passes and I age, I become that much more clever and gain that much more wisdom. I don't see myself killing myself anymore and I always look to that as a big achievement and as something that I can fall back on when I reach my limit or break down. But consciously, I still feel a lot of weight on myself because I still need to tell my family members and gain enough courage to pursue things that I personally want to and ultimately, live life the way I want to.
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i understand "random" - when i'm really bad my head gets stuck in this "stream of consciousness" mode and just bounces from thought to thought with no direct links between them

    won't offer relationship advice other than to say you don't need an excuse to not look for one right now - there is no timetable for something like that so don't try to force it

    my parents divorced when i was 10 - father got custody and interfered in all attempted contact from my mother

    when i think back, i can pinpoint the first moment when depression became an issue - 15 at the time - forget about talking to my father, he just didn't get it or maybe didn't want to - and he was a mental health professional - oh the irony

    i got through multiple years of college and didn't graduate - wish i had because it has closed so many doors - i did find a path that offered moderate success but it has dead-ended in a job that i hate and is slowly killing me - the lack of a degree means i can't go any further and any other job i take now would be for a lot less income and i can't do that and support my family

    so if you can do it, finish school - it may not be exactly what you want, but it will show people that you can follow through on something

    not knowing what you want from life is stressful and i hope that you can find an answer so you don't end up like me - knowing you want something but not this
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