On the verge!!!!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by betteroffunknown, Mar 21, 2015.

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  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    This week has been a real eye opener, and as of today, due to seeing no way through this, I can't even begin to tell you just how close I am to giving up. Have even been considering how to go about it, and the kicker is no one would discover me for at least a week (and that's being optimistic). I've strongly been considering this all day; this is the closest I've been to this point in a few years. It's not something I take lightly.

    Hospital is pointless. I was told at my last hospitalization four (or five) years ago that there is nothing more they can do to help me, and yes, those were their exact words. That's the only hospital I would be sent to due to insurance, so it's not like I can request going somewhere else. Even if I did go somewhere else I'd have no way back because of distance.

    Meds only make me worse. I never knew till I got off of them four years ago just how much worse they had actually made me, so they're not an option anymore, either. Besides, I had tried 'em all, so there were no new ones left to try. Maybe there are now, but I'm not willing to give them a try again, not after what I went through last time on them.

    I was in therapy, but quickly dropped it (a week ago) when I was told I only had a couple months of it left. They're only allowing 8-12 visits now then they cut you loose due to the influx of new folks due to the expansion (regarding healthcare). I did try to call the therapist I had on Fri, but she never returned my call. I stopped it only a week ago, and she said she wasn't going to close my case for a few weeks which is why I figured I'd try to call. Again, to no avail.

    I thought about calling the crisis line, but fear that's going to set wheels in motion that I'm not willing to face or ready to tackle.

    I did get out today, and went to the store, but afraid that didn't help as much as I was hoping it would. It's usually very helpful, but not this time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun I am sorry you are feeling so hopeless The person that said that too you well was an idiot really That person may no longer be there There is help for you if you are going to harm yourself they can keep you safe ok and maybe bring you new hope Don't give up because of one person words ignorant words at that
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, total.

    Truth is there really is nothing more they can do to help me. I've tried everything there is to try, and now due to limitations due to the expansion the one thing that helps the most (talking things through) isn't there anymore, either.

    I've been seriously wracking my brain trying to think of ways through what's going on, but reality is there is no way. I deeply wish there was.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Talking through things here then continue to do so ok on chat in forums

    it helps a little bit just you don't feel so alone in the battle iguess
  5. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    What were the problems you had when you were taking the meds last time?

    Are you able to say what your diagnosis is? (I perfectly understand if you'd rather not.)

    For me (I suffer Acute Depression) it's a drug combination that works. It took a year or so before they came across the combination, and I still have issues with anxiety. However, I'm much better now than I was.

    It's hard to do, because of the illness, but you have to keep trying. If you can't face doing it yourself then you need an advocate - a friend, a family member, a doctor, whoever can give voice to your feelings.

    Giving up really isn't an option, because it simply consigns you to more of the same. I know it's difficult. I had a Social Worker refuse to continue seeing me because I wouldn't answer her questions - when rolling up into a ball was a symptom of my illness! So, we all get to meet people who are.... erm.... not so useful. But you got to keep going.
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Well, to be honest I'm not sure what (if any) my recent diagnosis is. During the assessment to get back into therapy I was told I definitely have 'some' (did specify how many) symptoms of PTSD, but that wasn't an official diagnosis - simply the assessment.

    In the past, I carried the BP II diagnosis for about 10yrs until they saw that actually wasn't the case for me, and they changed it severe depressive disorder. Under the depression diagnosis I tried every med available over the course of about 6-7yrs.

    As I said before it's when I got off of them I was astonished to realize that they had actually been making me worse all along (which is the case for some people). This was obvious by how much I had improved once I did get off of them. Another bonus, besides the psychiatric benefit, of getting off the meds was the unexpected dramatic weight loss (without trying). I CANNOT afford to gain weight like that again due to other physical health issues (including but not limited to heart issues). I had poor reactions to several meds, too. Ie restless legs, rashes, and even in one case turned homocidal. That's merely a partial list of some of the effects I experienced while on 'em.
  7. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thank you, total!

    Just not sure how many folks would be able to understand what I'm facing; it's not common, and honestly no offense intended to anyone here, but normally when I do post I typically don't get much feedback which sometimes is even more discouraging. So I find myself reluctant to try sharing much anymore.
  8. Please keep sharing rhinolady, I relate so much with what you are going through. I want to tell people so much what I am really thinking, my psychiatrist, therapist, crisis hotline, but don't want to get put away. And meds made me worse and I'm scared to try new ones now. The whole system is just so frustrating. I also came closer to acting on my thoughts recently and it scares me and baffles me why I even think like this. Just want to let you know there are others that are going through similar feelings, we all need to help each other.
  9. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, silence!

    I just don't even know what to say anymore other than to say sorry to hear you experience similar things! As of yesterday, I reached a point where I'm truly at a loss for words. The ole' brain has shut down, call it a mental block. Not sure, but it sure feels like one.

    Thanks for being so supportive, though, and my apologies if I've let anyone down.
  10. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    You didn't disappoint anyone. I am simply glad that you are okay and are willing to share your experiences with us.

    Breathe, relax, and be safe.
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