On vacation, feeling vulnerable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by objectsinmirrors, Apr 18, 2011.

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  1. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    I'm on vacation with my parents in a lovely warm sunny place, and I am miserable. My OCD, PTSD, Eating Disorder, and Depression are all acting up. emailed my therapist, not sure why, but havvent heard back. The last time I was on vacation (november 2009) , I tried to jump off a tenth story balcony, but my mom fought against me to drag me inside. This time I am staying on the 8th story of a building, which makes me nervous because I don't think 8 stories is a surefire death, although i'm sure its a pretty likely death.

    I have so many things going for me. I am on track to graduate from high school in june, and start at a college I love in august. I'm currently living in a residential / transitional living program which I like a lot and am on pass from. But my parents can't afford to keep me in the program over the summer, and i dont really have friends at home. I'm worried without structure and friends, this is what the summer will be like (although i will have a job and i might take a local college class, i dont think it will be enough) thinking that i might have to deal with this feeling all summer makes me feel so hopeless.

    I have so many wonderful things to look forward to, I don't want to be dead, but I can't seem to let go of the desire to end my life. A girl who i knew from my program ended her life in february i think that made the finality of suicide more real. but i still just can't let go. i'm worried i might try something.

    Support/validation/suggestions please?
    :badday:
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry that your vacation isn't going well.

    is the main issue your immediate circumstances, or what you will do over the summer?

    I wonder if you could go to summer school. that would cost money, but if you could transfer in the credits, it wouldn't necessarily cost you any more.
     
  3. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    Main issue is that i have an easy way to hurt myself available, and that i am feeling that dying is a very appealing option.
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    can you tell your parents that you are feeling this way?

    it might be possible to get the room switched to one on a lower level. would that be sufficient, or would you still feel in danger?

    I suppose if someone were always watching you, that might help
     
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    if it's not possible to change rooms,

    (ok, this sounds kind of primative) but if you could get a pair of handcuffs and handcuff yourself to a piece of heavy furniture

    I suppose going to the hospital would be another option
     
  6. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    Why did your parents get a room so high up?? Seems insensitive to me after what you have been through.

    I would really try to go somewhere else for a while. Even just hang out in the lobby or outside the building.
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi. I'm so sorry you are in such distress. There seem to be so many things for you to look forward to and that you seem genuinely interested in doing, it would be a shame if you hurt or killed yourself before getting to them.

    First, could you let your parents know that being so high up in the building is scary for you, that it's stirring up bad feelings and fear? Also, can you keep busy with activities around the hotel (??) where you are staying? Maybe there are other younger people you could hang with.

    Feelings are feelings, not actions, so you are already fighting the fear of doing something harmful to yourself. When we act on feelings, we are not acting rationally. Our emotions can really mix us up. Just try to remember that feelings will pass - even the really scary, nasty feelings. So hold on, and please do not do anything that will hurt you.

    New situations (like summers without familiar friends, starting at a new school/college/uni) usually make anyone kind of nervous, and being "kind of nervous" may be contributing to your overall anxious feelings.

    You mentioned you might take a course over the summer and someone else above suggested summer school. You also said you'll be working. With a job and/or a course or two, chances are good that you will be so busy and involved with your life that the scary ideas and feelings you have now will fade.

    Other ideas for over the summer: Can you visit the college you plan to go to and see what extracurricular activities or clubs you might join when you start there full time? Have you selected your courses yet? Do you know what texts you will need to read. Perhaps get a head start on those?

    Anyway, please don't hurt yourself. It sure sounds like you have a lot of things going for you and a lot to look forward to. And do keep in mind that today's bad feelings will pass.

    Thinking about you.
     
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