Once again, but this time, I seriously can't deal with it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Apr 13, 2007.

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  1. Well, once again, it has happened.

    I'll explain.

    Me and my 'boyfriend' got together in January, although it was an unstable, co-dependant relationship, we were madly in love with each other, but whenever he cut, overdosed, whatever, I did too, same with him, whenever I hurt myself, he'd do it too.

    More to the point. In the last 3-4 months, we have broke up 4 times I think, 3 times were my fault, I did it them times, all because of my pathetic sister/mother/people at school saying it's destroying me and I should get rid of him, but funnily enough, that didn't stop the LOVE I felt for him, so I got back together with him after he begged his way back. Last time he split with me, I think to him it was peer pressure aswell, either that or he just wanted to kill himself easier, because I know he loves me, he even told me the day after he split with me.

    So, I think 2-3 days ago, he again, begged his way back into a relationship with me, he promised, as did I, that we would both stop this shit, ie; the eating, the cutting, the overdosing, the purging, everything. Yesterday morning, or 2 nights ago, he cut himself and overdosed, and that was a few hours or a day after he promised he'd stop. So, me being myself, I had ago at him and was furious with him for breaking the promise whilst I still stuck to it and haven't cut/overdosed whatever, in DAYS, like, I think a week and a day of no cutting and bloody months since my last overdose. I have been eating FOR HIM, I haven't purged, nothing, and he does this after the day he promised he'd stop, obviously yes, I would be angry.

    So, he said last night maybe it's best we don't see each other anymore, okay, DID SEE THAT COMING, ME BEING MY FUCKING SELF, I PROBABLY PUSHED HIM TO DO IT, SO, I SAID FORGET THIS, PLEASE, STAY WITH ME, WHATEVER BULLSHIT ELSE I SAID, AND THEN I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP AND I'M CRYING NOW, THIS HURTS, SO MUCH, AND I HAVE 5 PACKETS OF PARACETAMOL HERE THAT I PLAN TO TAKE, AND I'M SHAKING, I CAN'T STOP CRYING, THIS HURTS, TO HIM, I DON'T KNOW, TO ME WE ARE STILL 'TOGETHER', BUT I KNOW, I JUST KNOW HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE, AND THAT HURTS, THAT HURTS ME, HE SAYS HE LOVES ME, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME, HE DID A FEW WEEKS AGO, I JUST, ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Know what?

    Fuck love.
    Fuck life.
    Fuck this shit.

    I'm out. I can't take this anymore. I'M FUCKING FOURTEEN, I SHOULD BE OUT, WITH FRIENDS, HANGING ABOUT, HAVING FUN, BUT INSTEAD I'M A DEPRESSED, SUICIDAL LITTLE SHIT WHO IS FUCKED UP AND CAN'T CONTROL ANYTHING ANYMORE AND WANTS TO DIE!

    So, fuck it, I give up.

    I thank this site for all it's done, been here for almost a year now and I love this place, but I DON'T love this life, I hate it, I am going to kill it and I am just saying I'm sorry and I love you all and goodbye and... take care, and please, live, and don't give up, and just, be strong, and I love you all, and just... that's it. :( :cry:
     
  2. Lonely4ever

    Lonely4ever Guest

    Sarah, dear!!! U are just 14, u have so much to come! Honey, i have been depressed at your age too and i know what u are going through! I have been suicidal but i am still here. Not because i am a coward, but because i still had a small small hope left inside of me.
    Well lets just think about it. Your boyfriend cant keep his promise to u. I think he should seek proffesional help. This is the ONLY option left for him. He sounds like a very very unhappy and depressed guy, so i really think now its too late to just talk to him, he NEEDS profeesional help. When he has that, he will change, i promise u! He wont cut or overdose anymore. I am telling u thins from my own experience, this is not something i read in some self-help books. I used to cut my hands and overdose too and i used to enjoy it in some masochistic way but now i am on meds. Yes i still have lots of problems like being lonely, but its not the same as being suicidal and severe depressed.
    If u wanna talk just PM me and i will always be there for u. i just happen to be a caring person. Please babe dont do anything to urself!!!
     
  3. It isn't just that.

    I mean, I fucking cut and overdose too, infact, i've been doing it LONGER than him, 7 years this Augest, & WHY THE FUCK DOES HE THINK THIS IS JDFHBUDFHGFSIFDGHSUIFDHGUHFSID

    Fucking hell.

    No, I will, I am going to die, I am not putting up with this BULLSHIT anymore.

    I'm sorry yeah? I just posted to post about what the fuck has happened to make this detirate, and that I'm going to do this and that I just... ARGH nevermind right? Just forget me everyone here at SF, FORGET ME!
     
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Sarah I'm not going to let you go like that,see you were ready with Hank to stop doing all this shit.But hang on just because it didn't work that you'd hadn't made it work once,twice,three times etc it doesn't mean that you failed.It's like we keep trying I know it's shit well I'LL say even fucked and I'm battling just like you're,but I know you can do it.
    And another thing don't blame yourself for thing's because if you really could change something you'd do it like that,so it's not as easy said than done.You're trying and I can see it and everyone else can because you're still here and fighting.Remember I'm keeping my word,tell me what type of support you need and I'LL help you get through this.
    Remember what I said because you promise not to do something and by breaking that promise doesn't make you a failure sadly it happen's,and another thing NO you won't be forgotten and let go of that easy.
     
  5. Ace, you know how much I've tried, you know how much I am TRYING, but without Hank, everything seems black and white, seems worthless, pointless, ...

    so, just going to go die now, sure it won't be a loss for anyone here or anyone else I know.

    *sigh*
     
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