Once again...

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Odnax

Well-Known Member
#1
Thinking of ending things again. Can't seem to let myself be happy about the good things in my life and spend too much time and energy focusing on the few small bad things. Work is overwhelming right now, with meetings and 100s of emails to respond to. My management just gave me a good bonus and have been helping me learn and grow, but I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I have to go to work in 30 minutes and I'm sitting here crying like a baby and I just don't want to do it anymore. And more than that I feel down on myself for even thinking of walking away from everything. My job isn't horrible, it's my thinking. I don't feel confident or capable, even though I have no evidence to support that. I can do my job, I just feel like I'm never good enough.

Took my dogs for a walk and got very angry at myself and took it out on them. Then yelling at them doesn't make me feel better, just makes them feel scared of me. Makes me scared of me.

Cancelled my therapy sessions and told Doc that I'm too broken to save.

I really hate myself right now. Good enough at everything, but still think I'm shit and unworthy of the good things.
 

Kiwi2016

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SF Pro
#2
@Odnax I am so sorry that you are going through so much and your job is so overwhelming---it sounds fairly stressful. I wondered when you last had a couple of days off for a vacation or long weekend? You are clearly a good employee or else they wouldn't have given you a bonus but I too know that oftentimes feelings of not being good enough can creep in. I would consider rescheduling your therapy sessions as they can be so helpful to gain perspective on things...at least I have found this to be the case. Please keep posting as I know others here on SF can offer advice, support and encouragement as well. Sending you a hug.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Sorry it sucks having those feelings. For now going to work might take your mind off your emotions (it did for me) but keep this in mind when at work...one thing at a time don't look at it as 100s of emails. Just do one email at a time.

Realistic thing to do is to get professional help as we all need the help to get over that wall that keeps our moods all over the place. Being angry at the dogs shows some impulse control is lessening when your mood is this way.

Really you are worth the fight to be yourself again.
 

Odnax

Well-Known Member
#5
Thanks to all of you. Things have gotten worse with work. The company had layoffs Thursday and my boss was let go. She was really the only reason I kept going. I have to admit that my feelings for her were a little more than professional and I feel a great deal of loss. The one reason I even kept going to work and even in life is gone. And now I have all the pain of that, but also the anxiety and guilt about having survived the layoffs. I've committed so much of my life to my career and now I don't know what to do. I don't trust my company, I have a job I don't really like and the person who made me feel... anything, is gone. I just don't know how to keep going. It's like EVERYTHING was taken away from me.

And my therapist was just this bumbling old guy who thought all I needed was to start dating. Like that would solve everything. It might have helped with my feelings for my boss, but I need real HELP. I need to be able to cope with the negative voice in my head and my anxiety and low self-esteem and not feeling worthy. Why would anyone go out with me if I'm so broken. And I can't just keep looking for the right therapist. The 6 that I've already seen have been no help at all. How do these people get jobs.

All I still have are my 2 dogs, and even they can't bring a smile to my face anymore. I did finally get their shots current, so I can leave them in a kennel when I'm ready.

And I know it's the weekend and I'm extra alone. Weekends have always been hard. Things will be a little better Monday. But nothing will change that I am seeing and feeling fewer things that can keep me going. Before, any time I felt like ending things it was because I couldn't see a future even though I wanted to keep going. Now I just don't even want to continue. I've had real relationships end and have survived, so I know I can survive this one-sided, only in my head relationship ending. Life just feels so bleak and pointless and I no longer want to keep trying.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
@Odnax

Sorry about the boss. Its true they are one of the major reasons why we still work or quit over. Hey if shes no longer your boss it wont be against anything professionally cant you hit her up and ask her out? Ask her hows shes doing?

Regarding the weekend thing. Have you thought about doing stuff like volunteering and meeting people that way? Feel good about yourself a bit more?
 

Odnax

Well-Known Member
#7
Thanks @DrownedFishOnFire!

She's married with 2 young boys. I knew it would never amount to anything, but there is something about her. I need to contact her to see if she's OK and to tell her I enjoyed working for her. Not sure right now if I can stop there. Don't want to be the creepy guy because it's a small world and we might meet again. And we know a lot of the same people. That's a reputation I don't want. I will probably give it some time.

The volunteer places I've contacted all seem really uptight. You have to commit to 6 months and can't just drop in to help. A couple of the animal rescues I've previously volunteered with are about the same. You apparently can't just give your time when you want. Which makes sense, but I can't commit to 6 months to a place I've never dealt with. After everything that's happened this week, I'm not sure what things will look like tomorrow let alone in 6 months.

Anyway, just very lonely and trying to deal with a life I can't fathom right now.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#8
Yeah there are different parts to animal rescues though if that's your thing. If you contacted the animal rescues that actually does not have a facility but run by fosters/volunteers you don't have to commit as they always have different projects going on there. Like transporting one animal from point A to Point B etc. I have a specific rescue I pay closer attention to and if it is happening in my area and I'm open/bored that day I can volunteer to pick up the animal and bring it to another foster home or to the vet etc its no pressure just have different stuff/needs going on there. I don't need to promise ill be around for 6 months or have to do anything for 6 months.

there's community projects such as cleaning up or even nature parks need random volunteers to do some weeding hunting for certain bugs or plants now and then just one time thing.
 

Odnax

Well-Known Member
#10
Was feeling a tiny bit better and now back down in the darkness. I just don't see the way forward. I don't see a reason to keep going. I feel like a giant weight is sitting on my life. I think I'm getting closer this time. I always found a way to keep trying and now I just can't or rather don't want to keep going.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#11
Sorry there for feeling that low what about hopping onto the chatroom juat to keep your mind off those low points for now?
 
#12
Hi @Odnax - I read your story and I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible. I struggle with suicidal thoughts too; I'm stuck in a corporate job that makes me depressed. I also feel you on the therapists. At this point I've probably been to at least 15 or so over the course of my life. They are definitely hit or miss; often more miss than hit. Have you tried medication? In my experience, it doesn't make you happy, but it can take the edge off and help you function (so you can focus on making changes that will really help you get better).

I hope things start to improve, and I hope you continue to check back in with us.
 

Odnax

Well-Known Member
#13
Hey @BlackCatBlue. My job has been my entire life for the last 5 or so years. I liked what I do and had interest in helping my department succeed. While I'm not wanting to see my company fail, I'm not the supporter they used to have a week ago. And they don't seem that interested in helping improve morale. So I suspect that there will be more people leaving than just those laid off. I may be among them. My former boss (I hate saying that) told me a week or so ago, that this company is completely different than 2 years ago. Completely new management, mission, business model. And while I understand businesses need to make money to keep shareholders happy, layoffs are still shitty. The only thing I can do right now is help my team understand that their visions of staying here for years and retiring, doesn't really exist any more and they need to detach from the company and start taking care of themselves. Not sure they all will, but I can try.

I was on fluoxetine for a bit and am talking to another doctor about refilling that prescription. I don't want to be on it long term, but I do think right now it's going to be worth it.

Thanks again everyone. This has been hard for a couple of reasons and while I know things will be better, right now I just feel adrift.
 
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