Once Again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JobForAVictim, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. JobForAVictim

    JobForAVictim Well-Known Member

    I am a fractured and bizarre caricature of a person.
    Most everybody else seems to actually have some coherent identity.
    I swing between volatile moods, and I get angry really easily. I feel empty all the time. If those were my only problems, I might be able to tolerate life. But those aren't my only problems.
    Relationships are nearly impossible for me, because I switch between loving and hating so easily. One day I think someone is wonderful and perfect, and the next I hate their guts. I cannot seem to exercise enough mental self-control to actually have normal relationships. I have enough trouble keeping friends, much less anything closer than that.
    My personality is fucked up too. I switch my beliefs, ideals, and behaviours at the drop of a hat. I also seem to absorb personality and identity traits from those around me. Over the past two months or so, I have been a Catholic convinced I was going to become a Jesuit, a green anarchist who hated civilization, a paleoconservative UFO believer, and a Deleuze junkie.
    Why don't I have the strength of will to hold together some sort of personality?

    It doesn't help that I'm terrified of being abandoned.

    Wow, I sound like a whiny fucking idiot even writing this. But I'm going to post it anyway, for exactly that reason. Maybe you all will hate me as much as I hate myself.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have also had rather dramatic mood swings in my life, and found that the new medication I am on has truly improved them...have you spoken to a professional about this? if not, why not give it a try??? I know that these changes in mood can be crazy making...just my thoughts, J
     
  3. JobForAVictim

    JobForAVictim Well-Known Member

    I see a psychiatrist and a counselor every two weeks. It hasn't helped.
    Of course, it doesn't help that I often lie to them, and have occasionally tried to scam drugs off my psychiatrist. I cannot seem to control myself enough to actually get any benefit from therapy. And my medication has never helped at all, despite the fact that every month I'm being prescribed more and more stuff.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If you are not being yourself, who is being treated? it has taken me yrs to find some respite...plez do not give up...mood swings are very difficult, i know...I have also changed my diet, added excercise, meditate, etc. which have also had an enormous postive impact...plez PM me if I can help in any way...all the best, J
     
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear jobforavictim Can I ask are you diagnosed with Bi Polar?I have those same problems with my moods so I was just wondering.
     
  6. JobForAVictim

    JobForAVictim Well-Known Member

    My psychiatrist does say I have bipolar disorder, and that's what she's treating me for.
    But since the medication and therapy for bipolar never helped, I'm beginning to seriously doubt the diagnosis.
     
  7. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Yeah Bi Polar is tough I know I've had it for ages also and is very difficult to treat,I've had several different mood stabilizers but none have really helped so it makes it alot harder.
     
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Have you spoken to them about the diagnosis and about the fact that you think it's not helping. Tell them what you have to us.
    All the best.
     
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