Once Again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kelsey, Jul 12, 2008.

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  1. Kelsey

    Kelsey Well-Known Member

    Once again I find myself sitting on the bottom. Things have been slowly tumbling down around me, and as I struggle to hold my head up high it seems others want me to fail. I dont want to give into the temptation I seem to be surrounded with, yet the battle to fight is becoming harder with every passing moment. I constantly am changing my behavior as maybe my behavior is the problem, but when no changes are coming about I have to ask myself is all the effort truly worth it. I know the typical answer as I have given it many times myself to others here. Why when we seem to need to take our own advice that we give, its the hardest time to do so. I dont see any other way out, I am looking and will continue to look for a different way, until there are no more sunrises in my life. Until that time I sit here in agony, carrying my burdens because I am unwilling to allow anyone else suffer on my behalf.
     
  2. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    You seem very creative, because your writing almost sounds like unintended poetry. Are you artistic? There you are, sitting on the bottom, and people are looking down at you, hindering you and blocking you from achieving in life. It's almost like you can't breath, because you're being surrounded and aren't given the chance.

    Of course, it's difficult to give yourself advice. It's scary to judge yourself in order to offer pertinent advice, because it involves deflating your ego.
     
  3. Kelsey

    Kelsey Well-Known Member

    The closest thing I have to creativity is the music I once played with a dear friend of mine. I just write what my heart feels, or at least I make the effort to. It is indeed very scary to judge yourself, the one judgement someone should find easiest to handle is their own, because it is their own opinion, yet it seems to be most peoples worst enemy.
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kelsey you have come so far these past few years. I am sorry that whatever it is that you feel keeps bringing you down won't go away. You don't need to change who you are for anybody. You are a beautiful person just as you are. Should you decide you need someone to listen, send a PM or find me on MSN. I will offer whatever support I can. :hug:
     
  5. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Some days we do feel the fight is pointless Kelsey, but we carry on because we will never know sweetie what might be if we dont, i cant relate to your words, but try to continue your battle and allow those here that care to help you ,myself included.

    Hugs
     
  6. Kelsey

    Kelsey Well-Known Member

    You are very right Dawn, you never know what the next day or for that matter the next hour holds. I do what I can to continue fighting, but like everyone at somepoint I just want to lay down and not get up. It is a continuous battle indeed to keep on living life.
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Kelsey,
    I agree that life SUCKS!! the problem is you don't get to pick and choose who you are. The only thing you can do about it is to focus on what helps you to keep going.
    You know that we have your back! Whatever we are able to do to help you, just ask us. We will do our best to give you the support that you need. Always keep it in mind we are here for you. Take Care!!:chopper:!!
     
  8. Kelsey

    Kelsey Well-Known Member

    The kind words that you have all said, are very much appreciated. I understand that at times life does suck yes. As I have said to many on here that you need to use all your resources before you giveup, and that is one piece of advice I am attempting to take myself. I have taken the first steps in moving forward andon with my life, just waiting for all the rest to fall into place. Again thank you all for your kindness.
     
  9. Kelsey

    Kelsey Well-Known Member

    I have tried to move on, on more than one occassion. I have spoken to many of you and done what I was capable of doing for you. It has taken some time to notice that I am no longer capable of helping others, or myself. It is time that I want to lay down and quit fighting.
     
  10. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Kelsey pm anytime or im happy to talk with you on MSN Sweetie
     
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kelsey it is not time for you to lie daown and quit fighting. I know you are having to dig down deep within yourself to keep going on, but there is still fight left. Don't give up the battle. You are still able to help others, but I think you need to turn that help toward yourself. We are still here for you. You know what you have accomplished. You can continue to do this. Please stay safe hun. :hug:
     
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No not yet my friend. There are so many hands outstretched waiting for you to grab on!!! But we can only reach so far hun. It's up to you to grab. You help so many and are so gueniune in the love and care you offer to those lucky enough to find you in their dark places of desperation. You've done it for me countless time. Now it's you turn Kelsey. Let others that care about you, help pull you through this and hold your head above the kaos and commotion for a little while til you have recaptured some of that endless strength you seem to possess. Hun just because some dont seem to be able to get past their problems, even with you there to help them through, doesnt in the least mean that you havent helped. But you need love and support too. It's there hun, be willing to let it in. "Just" is one of your favorite words. Well JUST let the help in Kelsey. I'm fine, no worries, I'll be ok. Heard them so many times. Now it's time to change them to I'm great, no need to worry and I'll be here because I'm fighting!!! You are a wonderful person hun so please dont give up on others and certainly never give up on yourself!!!
     
  13. Kelsey

    Kelsey Well-Known Member

    The outstretched hands and love from others is appreciated more than you all will ever know. I always tell people, "it's always a pleasure". Well it is always a pleasure and has been for almost 3 years now. I was saying the other night, how I cant believe that it is the end of July already. Time passes by so quickly, yet so little change has been coming out of that wonderful word, time. I use it so often myself, telling people just give it time, things will get better...That is what my words have turned into, and Im ashamed of that. Having the ability years back to reach into my heart and find the words someone needed to hear at the time, is now something of the past. Those words are no more, and I am very sad for that.
     
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Kelsey,
    I know you feel down and I hope it passes soon. You said you don't want to bring any pain to others. You need to stop and think. If you go thru with it you will leave your family greiving. Even the thought of guilt might show itself.
    You help so many on the forum, so why are you finding it hard to join us and to bring about that change that will help you to feel better about yourself.
    Will you please call your doctor and see if you can get in to see him. Tell them it is an emergency if you have to. When you get in to see him tell him everything. It might put you in the hospital, but I wouldn't worry about it. My opinion is that is where you need to be right now, so you don't harm yourself, and so they can monitor your meds because it doesn't sound like they are working.You are on meds aren't you? If not , then he might want to put you on some to help you better manage your thoughts. I hope you decide to stay with us!!!:chopper:!!!
     
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