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Once Again...

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I find myself in the fucking position of questioning my own worth...I'm not sui - but it's so hard sometimes...I can never find the words...not even in poetry corner...I cannot cry and I want to so bad...

I wish I could just help the suicidals here all the time - then I wouldn't have to dwell - I don't know if this place is even good for me any more...fuck I've started occasionally cutting! I never even did that when I was sui...


Will I ever get out of this shitty limbo...in some ways depression was preferable...it was simpler being low all the time rather than these short sharp shocks...I hate this...even the arguing and raging seems advertising right now...because I can't do that now.

God I am such a vain, self-indulgent, masochistic fucker....



Staff Alumni
Hi...you are none of the things you call yourself...you are in a lot of pain and that changes how we act and experience everything...maybe this is the time to talk to someone about what is going on so that you can move forward...and I agree, sometimes, limbo is worse because then you have no idea who you are...have been there many times...big hugs, J
I can't talk to anyone about it...they would panic - and there's nothing they can do - these times come out of nowhere - used to think it was drink but I'm sobre, and I don't want this getting in the way of things.

I thought I'd come to know myself - it seems that's never been the case...fuck...
Meeting my aunt tomorrow - don't know how I'll tell her - but she already know just from looking at me...fuck - do I look like that to everyone...
I'm so scared of everything and everyone....I'm running out of money to keep living independently but there are no jobs - I wanna go back to study for a further career but I'm scared of the faliure, not to mention that it doesn't solve my cashflow problem from my one (great but limited) job.

Fear rules me...I'm inactive and demotivated out of fear of it all going wrong, but I can't seem to get out of this cycle...

Is wanting to have a gun - not for using, just for having - suicidal? I don't know anymore


Staff Alumni
Take a deep breath, write a list of things to do and start doing them...you want to go back to school, plan what you have to do to make that come to fruition...you can do it...J
I have so many goals - now I'm just beaten into submission by a fear of faliure, it doesn't drive me like it has sporadically in the past - now it just terrifies me...
Why are things conspiring against me!? Can't go to Samaritans at Worcester, I'm in training there, so went to Birmingham's one while I was in town - closed - phone only - went over to Brierley Hill today - same situation...

I just wanna talk face to face...
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