Once again...

[curtius]

How do I stop this pattern?

I can see myself at the bottom of this barrel Im in...I know how I got here...I know why (tho I hate repeating it)...but I still feel the need to off myself in disgust.

None of you know whats been going on...

I will fill you in:

For 4 years I worked at that rehab clinic. I loved and hated my job all at once. It had a way of flinging raw humanity into my face that reminded me of how normal I really was. I did enjoy helping people...and I was a part of a few people's lives. I felt needed even if it was miniscule. I worked there long enough we were all a form of family. We went to eachothers 'functions'...Bah mitvahs or however you spell it...weddings, celebrations of any sort...birthdays...

I was my job and my purpose. My bleeding heart purpose.

Then I got burnt out. the stress became too much and I got tired. Things became monotonous and my depression increased. Since I worked there I had 3 suicide attempts...the last one people on this forum here 'saved' me from myself...the problem was it was smeared all over the walls at work. EVERYONE knew. Suddenly I was a patient takeing care of patients...

I had just started to overcome this and decided to go back into school. I was tired of watching everyone below me advance above me... The day i got accepted into school...I got laid off. I was just comeing back from lunch to tell everyone my good news and I saw an awful lot of 'admin' people sitting around...

In a wierd way it was a good thing. Stuff has been falling into place. I am going to school to be a gunsmith, a lady gunsmith. I got hired at my gym as a personal trainer which felt good cause 3 years ago when I joined that gym I was 88lbs heavier than I am now...AND school starts Monday.

I met someone too. He is horrible and perfect all at once. Horrible because I want him so much he leaves me vulnerable...perfect because he makes me FEEL. I even let someone else go...just to be with this man...

Money is OK...and my EX is squirming under my pressure of success LOL. I have my family's respect and I am 'pulling it together'....

I have written 3 books of poetry now...something I never thought I would collect but grudgeingly they created themselves...I dont intend to do a thing with them but put them on my shelf and let them collect dust.

So here I am...successful and makeing it. The problem is:

All I can do is sit here and fantasize about the rifle I am going to build to shoot myself.



?






~C

 

[Sadeyes]

I have always said i feared life more than death...when i feel i am becoming successful, then something can be taken away from me again...my fear of pleasure has been as paralyzing as my depressive ideation...maybe, we know pain more than pleasure and seek the familiar when we are in uncharted waters...i think we have many voices operating at once, and not all of them have to be listened to with the same value...continued success...big hugs

 

[curtius]

yes but how do you stop it?

HOW DO I STOP SABOTAGEING MYSELF?



~C

 

[ace]

curtius the key could be balance and not to put to much pressure on yourself and to do your best to relax as much as you can.Give yourself time and learn to appreciate yourself alot more and be your own best friend not your own worst enemy,I'm not aiming this at you but it appear's to be such a true saying.
Try to work out what you really want all in good time and to identify what the triggers seem to be that land you in such a position.It get's so overwhelming at times that we strugglwe immensely to deal with the toughest of moment's.perhap's as SE said it appear's that we're so used to feeling in such a helpless and sad sought of a way when we tend to feel good about ourselve's or something it strangely doesn't feel right.
I really feel curtius relaxation is the key and try not to put to much pressure on yourself,perhap's take things a little more easier and do thing's in good time and give yourself patience and TIME.

 

[LetItGo]

Curtius I think youve achieved a great deal. Writing 3 books of poetry is nothing to scoff at. Even though you might dream about the "ultimate rifle", you might find your so happy about creating that milestone that you simply want to push forward for greating success. At least I hope thats the case.

I hope the new relationship works out for you

 

[Shackled]

Just wanted to say I found this thread fascinating because after reading this i see a few similar patterns in terms of sabotaging. I wonder if this sabotage thing is linked to depression for many people?

 

[curtius]

I do it all of the time to myself. Its a terrible pattern for me. When I am at a low I kill everything around me...but need it the most. When I am high - I dont need anyone or anything. I can do it all by myself and I am powerful enough to do it.
Its myself esteem that gets in the way.

I guess I keep hopeing I am going to find someone (keyword) to take away my fear for me...

We all know thats the wrong way to go about it...



*sigh*...once again I woke up
Saw they greyness of the sky
I lay and watch the autumn frost
Crisping golden leaves dry...




~C